terça-feira, 13 de dezembro de 2011

New Goal

Since I didnt came out earlier to get my high school years as a girl,I cant hope to pass without at least a year of hormones,so next year(my last year of high school)will be as a guy,sadly.
My Physical Ed teacher wanted the students of this year to write a letter to a important someone like it was written in 2016.In this year we will reunite and open this letter,and see if we made our dreams come true and what changed(we dont have high school reunions here I believe...)
My new goal is to be full time at 2016 or at least on hormones,but I hope to get there before,I want to live as a girl in university at least...

quarta-feira, 30 de novembro de 2011

New School

My school(I've been here since last year)have since kindergarden and second year of high school(here in Brazil we have 3 high school years)so I have to leave.This school have another building in other area of my city,but the teachers are not the same(only one teach in both)it's sad,I'm used to these teachers and this school,the one that I will go now have a cold feeling to it,the one I'm now have a more "family" feel to it.
I regret not trying to be friends with people,and regret not coming out before so I could enjoy these 2 years as myself and with the friends I wish I had...
At least I came out this year...
I have a new goal now,I'll post it later

ps:here in Brazil,school year start in february and ends in december

sexta-feira, 21 de outubro de 2011

Mother reaction is not getting better

Ok,so today after leaving the therapist's room and going to her reception area,my mother asked her if she didn't agree that I should cut my hair because is messy,then my therapist say that my mother should ask me why I don;'t want to cut my hair and said that we would talk next friday(may sound rude when I'm typing this but she was nice and polite).
My mother then asked me while whe were leaving,I said that is because I want long hair,she made it sound impossible to get long hair,but I could see at one point that she was quite sad,then while at the car she said that sometimes she feels like she is not living this,that I could be "happy" and everything.While it makes me sad,it makes me angry that she don't try to understand me,she thinks that I chose this to me and make herself as the victim in the hole thing.

quarta-feira, 19 de outubro de 2011

Female Clothing I will wear

I already said that I love nice looking and fitting casual clothing,but I do with to wear female clothing when full time,I'm currently obsessed with high waist skirt or pencil skirt with tops,I think those are gourgeous.Short dresses with panyhoe and boots too,like those in the pictures.I'm in love with this green skort too*-*

just wanted to share,bye^^


 My father wants me to keep at my current psychologist.I'm thinking of printing some theories about causes of transsexualism and show to her then,maybe say that I think it is kinda pointless to get to know where this start since if is biological or mental because it is all theory.
I feel kinda sad about that,I hope I can start hormones soon,no matter who is going to say that I can have them

sábado, 15 de outubro de 2011

On Therapy

So,now my therapist want me to "remember" what made me want to be a girl.I said that I really doesn't think that someone made me think like that.And she think that I need to know when this started to do the family session I was hoping for.I know now that in Brazil there is not right age for hormones and no right time to therapy before hormones,it depends on the therapist.
I will talk to my father to change to that therapist I have the number,she may be better to me

sexta-feira, 7 de outubro de 2011

Mom I Need to be A Girl

A lady that read one of my comments in a brazilian transblog(Diário de Giselle,made by Giselle Vuitton) and sent me the book "Mom I Need To Be A Girl",written by Just Evely.It is a book about  the truth story of  Danielle Lindenmuth and her transition at 15 years old to her SRC at 18.
Is pretty good,I can relate to a lot of it and I'm planning to show it to my family latter.I will use some quotes of it for the family session(I already wrote about hormones at young age to them.
I'm thinking of posting a picture at Laura's Playground,is pretty safe...

sexta-feira, 9 de setembro de 2011

Therapy :)

 Next week will be my third time in therapy(holiday this week),and in the session there is still the awkward silence,but it is getting better,I guess.So,my therapist(who is not a gender therapist) want me to remember some events in my life that maybe have something to do with me being transsexual.I believe she thinks that it have to do with the fact that I spend more time with my mother,but I really don't think so.I really believe that is something biological/genetical,but my therapist don't think so because I have a non-trans twin brother,but Wal Torres(ts doctor)said that it can happen,because is neuro-endocrine so it can happen with a twin and not with the other.
She didn't said anything about changing to a gender therapist or something,but I already said that I really want to start hormones soon,that I feel disgusted and uncomfortable with a male body,that I always felt that I should/wanted to be a girl and stuff.

sexta-feira, 19 de agosto de 2011

How Therapy Was

I had therapy today,started at 3:00pm and ended at 4:00 something.It was kinda awkward because I'm shy and never had any type of therapy.The therapist Is pretty nice,but she never had treated anyone with gender dysphoria.We talked about my childhood,turning into teen,friends,family,feelings with my body and sexuality.
She will talk with my family and my father said that she will send me to a specialist in gender,but I don't want to have to wait too much with therapy(I will say this to her next friday)

sábado, 6 de agosto de 2011

Didn't Start Therapy Yet

I'm going to try to e-mail a lgbt group that work in my city,maybe they can help me find a therapist in case my father take to long to find one

quarta-feira, 3 de agosto de 2011

My Mother's Fear

I kinda understand my mother denial about the fact that I'm transsexual.She is afraid that I will never get a decent job,that I will be made fun of all the time,that I will be alone for the rest of my life,ugly,fat,and she thinks that I will be super girly(when I said that will be easier to talk to people when I will feel better about me,she imitated a flamboyant and very girliysh girl)and today when we saw a pretty un-classy lady,with drag-like make up and very fake hair color,my brother said that she looked like a tranny,and my mother said something of me wanting to be transsexual.She believe that I will look like that,I hope I can explain to her that I will not change who I am,just my appearance.

sexta-feira, 29 de julho de 2011

My Parents Reaction and Talk

My father called my brother and I,showed the letter and started talking.He says
that he wants to help me,wants me to be happy and want to go to therapy together.My mother said some really mean things,and showed that doesn't know nothing about being transsexual,wants me to go to church,pray and live as a guy(or at least gay),that I think turning into a woman is "cool" because of the media and Internet,thinks I'm too young,that all transwomen are prostitute or have bad jobs,that I will regret,that I never showed nothing that would make her think that I'm trans(she thinks I would need to be super girlish or something,and didn't want to read anything about transsexualism.Them both think I've been a little manipulated by the people I talk in the Internet,and I tried to explain that is not like that.
They don't want me to talk to these people,but I will still do that,and I hope that the therapist will help them to understand.
It surprised me that my father was calm and my mother was the mean one.After the talk she is treating me the loving way as always.I made a list of questions and points to give to the therapist,one of them is to not have two many months to therapy,because I don't want to get super manly at 18,then transition will be pointless.
Can't wait to therapy next week(at least my father said)

I Came Out

This morning,I was thinking with myself "It's the end of the year already,and this was supposed to be the year were I would come out and start transitioning."
Thinking of that,I got the letter(my parents was looking for a remote control in my room and almost found it)put it on the table with a pink crocodile pin(the ones for food bags)so it would draw attention.I was not thinking at that point,I just did what I had too.
At school,I was anxious.Sometimes,I would think "I did it?I let the letter for them to read?am I dreaming?".
When I got in the car to go to lunch,my mother(who is a happy talkative person)was kinda sad and quiet,but still loving(asked about school,gave me a little massage on my hair,etc).
At the letter I wrote that my parents should wait until them both were at home,so she didn't said anything about(she is right next to me).I also said that I don't believe in God anymore in the letter,and now she asked if I pray before sleep in a very calm way.
I can't wait for tonight,maybe my parents will talk to me about it.My brother doesn't know that I did it.

segunda-feira, 25 de julho de 2011

Crossdressed in front of my mother

So,I got a new haircut since last week.Its kinda weird,because it looks like a bit like this image above(Remus Farseer from Guin Saga).but only in the front.But is messy(its very lightly wavy).If I brush it it looks straight.So,I started to let it brushed for fun at home,because it looks really funny.Today when I did that(just some minutes ago)I wore a scarf,my mothers glasses and her jacket.She and my brother laughed a lot.I have to admid that I looked funny,but cute^^
She said that my father would be mad to see me like that.I believe so.

quinta-feira, 21 de julho de 2011

My Mother

So,in the last few years I've been noticing that my mother,in a friendly and not threatening way,that she have two sons,that are men and are going to date woman.
She says that in a friendly way and sometimes in random occasions(at least she doesn't say that too much,very few times).For me it looks like she really want a good future to me,but unfortunately,is not the future I want to myself.
Yesterday I said that it annoys me when she says that,and she didn't understood why(I didn't said why).
Should I wait till she says that again and talk to her(and then come out)?
Yesterday she also said that she wish to be born a man in her next live(of course,a joke because of period and stuff),and I almost said that if she wanted we could trade our "parts" XD
I should have said something....
good news:http://tinyurl.com/3s7fnmn

terça-feira, 19 de julho de 2011

That Guy

You know that guy I talked about,the one who is best friends of that girl(I want to be friends with them),that I talk with and anonymous formspring?I don't know if my feelings are a crush or something like that,sometimes I really wish to date him.He is good looking(in a cute/hot way,I wish I could put a photo of him here so you guys could know but I think is not fair with him,he have a natural body for a 15 years old),funny,polite,a little bit shy,have some similar views on dating(think is wrong to hook up with anyone you see),he is that type of cute friend(from what I see),he is not that type of guy that be friends with girl with others intentions,he is very sweet and respectful.Sometimes I wish that everybody could know how much of a great person he is.But still I think he deserve a better person,much more good looking than me(I'm not ugly,just my low self esteem,but I'm not gorgeous too).
Sorry for this,I just needed to rant

Thoughts,Very Random Thoughts

 Next week,school is back.If I could choose,I will be in my home without going out forever.It disgust me that everyone sees me as a guy and have no idea of my feelings of my body or that I like guys.I hate my body almost all the time,but I still believe if I get hormones fast enough I can "pass"(hate that word).
 I have no desire to talk to people,most of the time I have no desire to laugh.Still,I wish I had a group of friends.Since I was 7 I had a friend,he was my best friend(my brother's too)and I always imagine me as being the girl of the group,but still tomboyish.He stopped talking to us since last year and now thinks that other guys are his friends,but they only make fun of him.My parents talk all the time to cut my hair,because like I said before is thick and I let it messy all of the time.the bad part is that is not even long,but is not very short also.
 Some days I feel like I'm ready to come out and tell my parents everything,but the next day I feel that maybe another day,I feel stupid.Sometimes I think of making a blog in portuguese or just make a post in english and other in portuguese.

quinta-feira, 14 de julho de 2011

Thoughts and Searching

 It's being a while since I started thinking of this,of how different Mtf and FtM are,like,I know how is the feeling of hating your body and thinking that you should have been born in the other gender,but still is very hard to try to think of how is like to want to be a guy,or hating to be a girl.It's funny,because if is hard to me to understand,it must be really hard to cisgender people to get it too,and it's even worst because they don't have the feeling of wrong body.
Just a random thought.The Laura's Playground Forum is great,I'm reading a lot of topics about coming out and HRT,and made some of my own,even thinking of posting this one there,maybe
Trying to search for therapists in the beginning of this year I found a female therapist that doesn't answer my e-mails,only put the number of her clinic.I don't know if I should call her,but my brother is always at home.I'm triyng to ask to some FtM sites(in one of them I found this therapist) because they are brazilian and maybe know some professionals who work in Curitiba.

domingo, 10 de julho de 2011

What I want to say when I get a therapist

When I get a gender therapist(after coming out,of course),there are somethings that I want to make clear(of course,not in a rude way^^):
  • I know that I'm transsexual,I have no doubts about it;
  • I have depression that it comes from my feelings of my body;
  • I want to start HRT as soon as possible to avoid new effects of puberty;
  • I feel attracted to boys,and my attraction to girl are some kind of "admiration" or a wish of being like them;
There are also some topics that I want to discuss:
  • My views on my body since a little kid;
  • Depression and Male Puberty
  • Relationship with other people;
  • Family;
  • Constant imagine myself in a female version of me(either looking like my aunt-mom's sister-or looking like how I would look if I had female puberty instead of male),like existing girls around my age or creating girls in my mind that I could be or even boys that would start transitioning,but more androgynous looking);
  • Female characters in tv/movies/video games(always play as a women if I can,usually identify with females in movies or tv shows).
This is what I have for now.I wish that I wrote it because I was going to have a therapy session tomorrow or something,I want it so bad.But now like I said before,its 2 weeks of vacation that can be very awkward if I come out.
ps:It is wrong to write "transexual" in english?

quarta-feira, 6 de julho de 2011


I've always been a good student,since I was 5 years old(when I started going to school).Obedient,quiet,sweet to teachers and other studens.Making friends was always kinda har because I'm shy,but it only get worse when I got in a new school(last year and still on it).Is bigger then the others schools I've studied,and maybe because at 14 I could see more effects from puberty then before,I have no confidence and hate my appearance,so I feel retarded when people talk to me because I know they are looking a guy,so I have a huge problem on looking at people's eyes.Before this new school I had one best friend(beside my brother) and some good friends,but the best friend was the only that I really chatted all day or go to each others house(I already went to other 2 guys house,they are nice but I dont talk much to them).Now this"best friend" stopped talking to me since last year,changed alot.I have that weird dirty guy to talke,because sometimes he is fun and normal,but sometimes unearable.
Grade-wise,I've always been a good student too.Me and my brother were the best in classe from 10 years old to 13.At 14 in new school we had trouble with math and chemistry (he is good at physics).Whe never really liked studying,we only studied a bit a day before the test in the other school,now we study a week before.
I'm not bullied or something like that,but people dont talk to me,because I was supposed to try to talk since I was new(Im shy,no way I starting a conversation),but some people say "hi" or something like that.I've always felt bad near girls,because when I compare our appearance I know that I'm in the wrong body,and feel manly.Friend-wise I always had male friends,because before puberty the guys from my other school talked about tv shows and toys and stuff I liked,and almost all girls were too girly.Now ate 15 most girls talk about what I like,since they are less girlysh then the ones from my others school,but of course there are boys who are not the typical dirty teenager XD.
Sorry for bad grammar,Im in a hurry

terça-feira, 5 de julho de 2011

I found a forum and coming out in the internet

I found a forum today,Laura's Playground,and I resgistered in it(just waiting to be able to post)
I'm planning to post about my coming out letter,and use it in my many doubts about HRT and the therapy itself.
Maybe I post my story too.Im already part of a Pokemon forum,and Im going to come out to the members there when Im full time(I think it is better),with new facebook and stuff.So,do you guys already had to come out in the internet?
Bye(Im going to study,I swear!!

Looking for diet

So,im a pretty lazy person,do no exercise AT ALL.I had my chubby phase at 10 to 12 I guess,I was always thin and little before that.At 13 I got more height and lost weight,and now since I do no exercise I have a little belly(very little,only can see without shirt)and I my breasts are kinda prominent(again,very little,can see only without shirt).Im looking forward to start doing exercise(with this) and I want to know if there are diets that are good if you are in HRT.My goal is to lose some weight(Im not fat XD)because there is a big probability to gain it with hormones,and maybe go in a diet that help in the hormone part.
And,Im going to study now(Math,Biology and Chemistry).
Do you guys think that is a good idea to come out now?after this week,Im going to have 2 weeks of winter vacation(i lost this one because of recuperation tests).Maybe leave the letter while Im at school,but I dont know how it will be dealing directly with my parents for 2 weeks about it.

domingo, 3 de julho de 2011

Going to study tomorrow and more

I need to study for Math,Biology and Chemistry for this week(and loose some of my vacation TT^TT),but I hope to get the necessary grade in each one...
Thanks for your comments,Its means a lot to me.
I have a anonymous formspring that I use to talk to a guy and a girl that I want to be friends with(like I said before,they are fun,nice,unique,good looking,not stereotyped or something,they are really nice people),and when I reveal who I am to them,Im thinking of using my formspring(not saying the name of it because is easy to find it if you search in Google,I made up the name so if i put it here,maybe people who shouldn't find this blog...) to answer questions about my transition...
I want to start hormones now...If I start therapy now,maybe I get 3 months of hormones in this year,not what I planned to myself(like I said before)...I imagine myself taking hormones,noticing the effects...

sábado, 2 de julho de 2011

I danced

So,today we had "Festa Junina" in my school,and the students from Secondary school could dance to get a grade in physical education,because this year there were no option like last year(you could choose between a written homework about all world cups or dance,and last year I chosen the homework).The teacher invited me to dance with her so I accepted(last year she danced with her son,that died a moth or two after the dance).It was very quick and even kinda fun(except for my nausea before starting because Im very very shy).
 The Portuguese teacher told my class that in another school she works the boys dressed up as girls and the girls as boys,and I was hoping for it to happen in my school,so I could cross dress(I never actually did it,I think I already wrote about it in a post)and maybe it would not be too weird because everybody would do the same.Some days before the dance that I would not need to dance because there were no place for a new couple in the lines(4 in total).But then she said that I would have to dance,but not with her.At the end I danced with a girl from my class.
If yoy guys want to have a idea of what the dance was like(maybe) search "quadrilha junina" in youtube.

quinta-feira, 30 de junho de 2011

I feel bad...

Midyear now.Came out?No.Male hormones still damaging my body?Yes.Feeling good about my self?No.Depression?Yes
My life sucks now.I'm having a bad time at school(I needed to get a grade like 70 in chemistry,but I couldnt),I see new body hair(like I didnt had enough of it),my hair is falling a bit(I can see my head depending on the light on that part right next to the forehad),I'm not in hormones like I wished in this year.In my plannings I was supposed to came out at January...I hate myself for not coming out yet,and now there are going to be the recuperation tests(chemistry,maybe physics or math too)and I dont know if I let the letter to my parents to read while Im on recuperation class(classes in the morning,and test at 2pm)...
My brother doesnt support my coming out at all,he always says that it will "ruin the family",it only makes me feel nervous about it,because like I said before,I really dont know exactly how my parents will react to it.
Sometimes I just wish people know that,or know that I dont like girls,know something.
ps:sorry for bad grammar,Im not in the mood to care

segunda-feira, 27 de junho de 2011

I wore female pants

I was going out with my father and my brother this last Friday,and I made a joke saying that I was going to wear my mother's grayish/purple velvet pants.She laughted a bit but she said "I think it may fit you..."and I tried it on,and it looked good(not too tight but not baggy).I wore a a pale pink long sleeve t-shirt,a steel blue all star sneakers(with ligh blue shoelace) and a fern green hoodie.Now the pants are mine,and I'm planning on using them again.
Changing subject,my father asked me again why I'm so depressed and sad almost all the time,and I still can't answer that.The fact that my parents ask me this may be a good sign,but still don't know how they reaction will be.This is the last week before winter vacation,so I don't know if I should wait the vacation to end or come out this week,and I really want it.

quinta-feira, 23 de junho de 2011

Talk in Second Life

 It was just about some minutes ago that I started to talk with a girl in Second Life,then I asked her if she was trans,and she was.We started to talk about the hormones,dating,my blog,the feelings,therapy,etc.It was a short conversation but I'm feeling so good after that,it was something that I wasn't waiting to happen.Talk to someone about your feelings is great,and if the person have the same feelings,is way better.She is offline now,can't wait to talk more with her.
Second Life is wonderful to me.My first account is a cat(it was a fox) and my second account is a girl,and I play with this most of the time.I really feel more confident in SL because people see me as a woman,but is not enough.I'm going to come out next week(no school this week,so it would be awkward to let my parents to read the letter while I'm home...

quarta-feira, 22 de junho de 2011

Make Up

Like I said in My Story post,in my imaginary world(were Im a girl) I only wear a bit of make up in special occasions.The only time that I used make up were in the beggining of this year(we were on the beach and my mother left some lipsticks in the bathroom)I used a brown one and then cleaned my face.
I like light make up with browns,beiges and in some occasions I think that red lipstick is pretty nice.I also like when people with fair skin like me use a lipstick color that is the same of the foudation.
Only a futile post now...I have no school for the rest of this week^^

sábado, 18 de junho de 2011

Why not posting

I'm not posting as much as I would like,but I'm so busy with school...I think my grades in chemisty are not going to be good.Here in Brazil the Summer Vacation begin on the end of the year and end in the begining of the year,in July the vacation are usually 2 or 3 weeks long,but I want some time to rest,and if I fail in a subject the recuperation tests are in the first week of vacation,and I dont want to loose it TT^TT
My dad is traveling a lot,he is back and I think that it is better to have him home so I can come out to him and to my mother at the same time.
This is it for now,bye

domingo, 5 de junho de 2011


So,I have a bit of facial hair and it bothers me that some started this year...
I used to have that "teen moustache" but now I shave(I can be 3 days without shaving,at least is not everyday),I started to shave the sideburn also and now my biggest problem are that side facial hair,next to the jaw line and neck,it is still very thin and people don't notice it much,but one side is getting a bit bigger.I'm going to buy a electric shaver(is that the name of it?)because I believe it much better then the normal one,and I started to thinking of using bleaching on it,so it maybe doesn't appear much.
I also started to show that I hate my beggining facial hair to my parents,and my hate of my body hair too,and compliment female clothing,trying to make them realize my feminine traits(?)

My Coming Out Letter

So,I'm going to post my coming out letter here:
 "The reason why I'm so depressed it is more complicated then you thought(or maybe you did).
Since I was young I felt that there were something different about me,because I always imagined myself different from what I was and still am.When I look in the mirror I see something different,it should be a girl(I have Gender Identity Disorder,I'm transsexual).I always identified myself with girls ou female characters,I even waited to see on the news that some girls were born physically male,and that I had it;I would pray before spleep(when I believed in God) to wake up as a girl in the next morning,but it never happened.I started to think that I was gay and that was normal to want to be a girl,and tried to contend myself with being a girl in my imagination,but when puberty came I realized that it wasn't enough,because my body would change and it would become much more distant of what it should be.The voice bothers me,and even pretending that I hated when people thought that I was a girl on the phone before,I always liked it.I believe that you guys must have some misconceptions about what is a transexual and how it works,so I printed those 2 pages about it,and I hope it would answer some of your questions about it.
 I wrote this letter because I didn't know how to start this conversation.I even wrote a e-mail before but I think it was to impersonal.Remember that I still am and going to be the same person,but with the treatment I'm going to be myself,but more confident and happier then now,and also remember that I love you guys and I hope you love me besides everything like you always shown me."
 Then I put the name and phone of and therapist that is on a list of therapists that I found that work with transexual in my city.In Portuguese more words have gender if compared to English,so I avoided words with gender as I could,but the ones with it I used male to not sound weird to my parents.
So,this is my coming out letter,I just hope that I will be able to let it in someplace that they can read...
ps:sorry for any bad grammar,it is a bit hard to me to translate texts from portuguese to english^^

sábado, 4 de junho de 2011

List of possible names

Ok,so I decided to make a post about the names that I like to myself after talking to Brenda^^:
-Betina(my name if I were born as a girl,and my main option)
-Elizabeth(I had a really nice teacher with this name,and I like it)
My first name is the name of my grandfather(mother side) and my second name is the second name of my other grandfather(is a greek name and I like it)so I don't know about changing it,because people usually doesn't know how to say it right or how to write it,and I always like it,but is a male name still...I already thought that I could use my grandmothers name(they had the same name XD)but I don't think that my family would react nicely to that.
I don't know if I should post my male name here(Maybe some of you already figured it out )

sexta-feira, 3 de junho de 2011

Update on style

Here a little list of my favorite type of outfits:click here
also the casual clothes in Zara(some men tshirt are pretty good^^)and some more "romantic" looking jackets and shirts too
Just and update because I don't have nothing to do XD

quarta-feira, 1 de junho de 2011

The Meaning of My Nickanme

I use Siul as some of my internet accounts(the female ones) and I found out that siúl in old irish is "walks","ability to walk" Pretty cool :D

My genitals

One thing that never really bothers me is my genitals.I never felt "disgust" of it and it was not my main problem really.If I could choose to be born with a vagina I would love it,but since it didn't happened,I will have to do the surgery.I never did one and I have plenty of time to think about it.There are risks,about the functionality and the appearance of the vagina,and I will not be happy if it happened and I will not forgive myself for making that choice(same with face surgery,and I really don't think that I need it much).
So,it is something that is not in the top of my list to do about transition(first I need to come out first,then therapy and then hormones).
I don't think that using your penis or not wanting to have surgery don't make you less transwoman,it just part of you and you have the choice of keeping it or not.If it work for you,people should feel happy for you,not hate you.

domingo, 29 de maio de 2011

Depression and a bit more

So, I'm not reading trans blogs as much as I would like,I dont know,I always feels that the day passes too quickly and thaat I miss a lot of things,maybe it is because I have a hard time to concentrate or focus in something...I watch some youtube videos about but usually got myself thinking of thousand of things while I watch a girl and have no idea of what she said,and end up having to watch the video again,and if it is too long,dont watch it until the end,even if I really want to watch it,Im loosing my desire on doing those things more then  before,maybe is the feelings of depression getting stronger.My mom was talking to my grandfather that my brother and I are too alone and that they are worried.I like that they worry about me,I wish I got the strength to explain what is happening to them,or that they force me to do it somehow...
I'm getting tired of living like this,tired of not being able to tell people how I feel.Yesterday,Michel Turtchin(Appeard in a brazilian reality show,works with marketing)had a new profile photo(i think that he is pretty handsome,check his fb to see*-*)and I really wish that I could comment on it(in other photos too).I know that it sound stupid,but I wish that I could write and say what I feel to other people,to know who I am better,so other people could know what I like,dislike...
Maybe my father will travel this week(for work),and maybe it will be good if I come out to my mother only,and then talk with her and then come out with my father with(I hope)my mother's help.It is really stupid that I still do this thing of only say tha I want to come out,but never do it.I feel so retarded,because I know that there is something I can do about my feelings and that Im letting myself turn into the complete opposite of what I always thought that I should be(Like I said before,people say that I look like my father and he is big and manly,and my body is starting to get like that,and already got a bit)...
Writing my feelings in this blog is really helping me,I just want to start therapy and then hormones...
A lot of thing to do for school,and some in groups and with presentation to the entire class(wich I hate)and wating to my chemistry's grade in the last test(worst test so far in this year and maybe in my entire life)...
A lot of thoughts in my head,I wish that I had someone to really trust(that weird annoying guy I told before is cool sometimes but I just can't stand him most of the time,personality and hygiene wise)and that my brother was more accepting of my transition...

sexta-feira, 27 de maio de 2011

Dealing with my feminine traits

So,since I was little I knew that I was not the typical boyish boy,but I wasn't the typical girlish boy too.I didn't liked(and still don't)football,and don't liked very boyish toys,but didn't like te very girly ones,like I said in My Story post.Maybe I have androgynous manners or something like that because I'm more feminine and delicate then other boys of my age,but is not like "Oh he is gay" type of thing,and sometimes I wonder if I can consider myself "a bit of tomboyish" since I'm not a "full hardcore tomboy",maybe "tomboyish with a feminine side"...
Still not out,planning to do it at least this month.

segunda-feira, 23 de maio de 2011

I don't blame society

Unlike some transexual girls out there I really don't think that my feelings have much to do with society.Of course,society says what is feminine and what is masculine and do have a lot of stereotypes around gender and sexuality,but a lot of transexuals(myself included)doesn't fit the stereotype of the "desired" gender,and sometimes act like the complete opposite of it,and still identify as the "desired" gender.I think that this more of a biological thing(it is still a theory)and I really believe that gender dysphoria is caused by biological "defects" or something like that,and not by "feeling like a feminine boy and wanting to be a girl because society says that girls should act like this",because everbody have their own way of being feminine or masculine.
That's it for today,finally wrote a post about this subject
Really doing hard to let a letter to my parents read before they go to work,and then I would wait to everybody be in the house so we could talk.But I have to be braver(this is really a word?).
Next Post:Dealing with my feminine traits
And btw,now when I search for "Trans in Distress" my blog is on the first page!Yay!

quinta-feira, 19 de maio de 2011


My hair(like I said before)is brown(a bit dark but it looks lighter in the sun and it have natural blond highlights because it was blond when I was younger)and it is lightly wavy and is thick,so it is a pain to let grow.It is short but with a tiara I can make it more feminine and cute.I think that my hair will get more wavy as it grows,and maybe will look like this:
I like it that way and I love the color of my hair,but I do like messy and natural straight hair,and I think a platinum blond like this(I love the cut too) would work for me,because I have a fair skin and green eyes(looking from a distance make them look hazel,because of my glasses and mix a bit with the color of my hair).I do like short hair,like the one of the platinum blond picture.
But like I said before,I like the color of my hair and maybe I keep it after go full time.
That's it for today,bye^^

quarta-feira, 18 de maio de 2011

Youtube Girls

Don't forget to check my list of favorite youtube channels for transexuals under the profile and folowers.
Some have great videos to know more about transition,some have daily strugges that can really help you to understand the whole transition,some have hrt effects videos,and some have motivational videos that can really make your day better.
Thanks to Jesslyngirl87,minorqback,ladyvixion1,karmatic1110,urmwhynot,Trannygirl15,BulletForMyValentine,JocelynFreiky and Staciiixful for your awesome youtube channel!
I started with Jesslyn and Lady Vixion videos,then I found the others and I really love their videos,they really make my day and are one of the things that give me hope^^

A little talk in the car

Tuesday my family and I were going to the mall to meet my uncle,his wife and son(they got to their home since yesterday-they live in another state-).My brother always do some jokes(not to be mean,just sibling thing)that I'm gay or wish to be a girl(that's why I thought he already knew)and he said that I wanted to be a drag and leave school(in our home) and after said that we should went to a nice restaurant so I could find a rich husband(in the car)and my father said that he should stop doing those jokes because we(my brother and I)are in a phase of trying things(maybe he think that we don't have a complete sexuality because we are young,maybe he thinks that my brother's jokes may influence my sexuality).
My brother then asked what would be the problem if I was gay(It really surprised me) and my father said that nobody gets happy with a gay son and my mother said that we are man(looks like for her man is a hetero man,gay are just gay)but she hinted that she would love me still,I guess.
Still with the coming out thing in my mind almost all the time,and the thoughts of how my life would be too.
See you next time^^

domingo, 15 de maio de 2011

Uncle in my house

I dont know if my uncle(his wife and his little son)are going to be to much time here in my house,so maybe I won't be able to come out tomorrow...trying to be brave and do it this week,I watch encouraging videos and read about it but I'm still very afraid,sorry for writing the same thing all the time
see you next time^^

sexta-feira, 13 de maio de 2011

In english again

So,I didn't came out yet,still thinking the best way of do it.I really don't know how my parents will react and the rest of the family(I care about my aunt-mother side- and the woman who take care of me since I was a baby).One thing that made me happy was that my mother thought that it was ridiculous that a gay couple was expelled from the theater but at the same time think that being gay is not "natural" and don't like some gay friendly campaign that want to work with little kids...there is a lot going on right now in Brazil about Jair Bolsonaro,a homophobic politician,and the worst thing is that many people think he is right if you check videos about him in youtube,saying that it is okay to be gay,but not in public,that being gay is being promiscuous and that little children shouldn't be taught about gay people because it would make them gay and all this type of bullshit that really make my blood boil(ignorant comments about other things like atheism)
so thats it...can't come out now because my father is traveling for work

quarta-feira, 4 de maio de 2011

Google Translate It

 -If you dont understand Brazilian Portuguese,put this post on google translate,I think you guys will understand it^^
Post em português!Escrevo em inglês mesmo por que assim fica mais fácil para outras pessoas acompanharem o meu blog,mas eu sinto falta de escrever meus sentimentos em português...
Bem,estou pensando em me revelar esse sábado ou amanha...ou sexta mesmo.Estou deixando isso sempre "pra amanha" desde o final do ano passado...eu já podia estar começando a usar hormônios ou quem sabe ainda em terapia,mas pelo menos seria um avanço na minha vida.Daqui a pouco eu e a depressão vamos ter filhos por que se eu não fico no computador ocupando a minha mente ela já vem,eu começo a pensar em todos os momentos especiais da minha vida e como eles podiam ser diferentes e como eu podia estar com amigos legais(tem gente da minha escola que eu quero mesmo ser amigos,principalmente um menino e uma menina da minha turma e de salas diferentes que são bem amigos)e eu tenho a noção que eu seria muito linda se não tivesse passando pela puberdade masculina(ainda tenho chances,pois me acham fofo)mas o corpo já esta peludo e proporcional para um garoto de 15 anos(as mãos são maiores que das meninas mas geralmente menores ou do mesmo tamanho que dos meninos e menores que dos homens adultos,os pés tao enormes)Talvez as mãos sejam uma neura minha e nem sejam tao grandes.Queria ter alguém que me apoiasse,já que meu irmão gêmeo(sempre quis ser a irmão super parecida como nos animes os gêmeos geralmente são) esta meio que negando e aceitando ao mesmo tempo...
Acho que por hoje é isso,pois tenho que dormir daqui a pouco.Quem sabe eu poste em português outra vez,pois como eu vi numa entrevista com o Javier Bardem,quando você fala alguma palavra como "amor"na sua língua natal varias coisas vem em mente,mas quando fala em outra língua não pois você não tem na memoria essa palavra em pratica(momento random)
Ate amanha quem sabe,tchau!

My Parents

About some years(about some time after puberty started) ago my parents started to notice that I am most of the time looking sad or something.And since last year I was even more depressed then before and sometimes they ask me if Im sad or if something happened,and my aunt told me in easter that I look sad and that she feels bad because she feels like she want to help but doesnt know what to do.Last year,because of my bad grades in Math,Physics and Chemistry(Devil's Triad lol)he asked me if there were something wrong in school but I coundnt say "I feel I should be a girl" or something like that...Yesterday they asked me again if I was sad or I was with problems in school...I feel good because this show that they are worried and they want to help me...maybe they will accept me,just dont know much about my brother,because sometimes he doesnt mind talking to me about my feelings but sometimes he says he doesnt want to talk about and is kinda rude...
That's it for today,wish my luck in those tests and see you tomorrow maybe^^

Gay Talk

  That annoying guy from school that I talk(because he think Im his friend,and I feel kinda bad for him) to is kinda homophobic,no matter how many times I say that queer is offensive he still cal gay people like that,and often say he think it gross and that is unnatural,at least he say that he respect(?) gay people.
He told me that he dont know what to talk to a gay guy.I was like wtf,because he said "I cant talk about football and woman" but he doesnt even like football!and he sometimes try to talk about woman and sex with me,and I say I dont like to talk about that,but he sometimes tries to do it.It disgusting,because is very retarded looking and sometimes talk about woman like he is trying to prove me that he is "cool" I guess(because people make fun of him sometimes).
He is bearable,most of the time he is hella annoying,and is kinda homophobic...I have this problem,I have a hard time trying to say what I really think to people,I dont know why(ok I told him my point of view calmly and already told him that he is annoying sometimes)but in the same time I feel bad because he doesnt have friends
Just for the records,Im not bullied(my mother think that Im am and thats why Im depressed)because Im kinda androgynous in manners,and Im just quiet and shy,not weird :)
Sorry if I sound rude in this post

Nothing to say

So,since here in Brazil we cant choose the classes we want to take,I studied this afternoon for a physics test because my grade this bimonthly and a chemistry one in saturday morning...it sucks
Im not trying to say that I suck at this classes because Im trans,but I have almost zero motivation and Im really depressed,and Im trying hard to let the letter in a place that my parents can read when Im at school(they woke up with me and my brother and I and my dad give us a ride to school(then he go back to our house and then go to work),and my mother picks up there(she works almost all day too)so they have time to read it in the morning I guess,and I can wait to talk better when they both are home...but I dont know how lunch would be(my mother lunch with me before getting back to work,so I dont know)
This saturday I have that test,and my brother,mother and father are going to be home I guess,so maybe is a good idea to let the letter there and they all can read it.
My brother still think that I shouldnt come out,that I should wait when I get my own house and stuff,at least he is starting to accept it,and I think that he finally understood that I like man(he thought that I liked woman because I usually talk about that not all trans like man and stuff)

quinta-feira, 28 de abril de 2011

Clothing style

Well,my clothing style is casual,I like to wear jeans and tshirt,but quality ones,usually from Zara or Hering,but I always check more feminine things in clothings stores just to imagine what I would wear beside jeans and tshirt(you know,when I wanted to be more feminine if I was born a girl),so the virtual store is pretty good to me,but even as a girl I would wear jeans and tshirt most of the time
I dont know if I should post about myself that much,but maybe I delete it latter...
So,Still not out...Royal Wedding tomorrow^^ I'm going to watch it

sexta-feira, 22 de abril de 2011


I didn't came out in the "perfect day" because I don't want to ruin my family's easter somehow(I'm atheist,my family is catholic and I don't mind celebrating easter and christmas,but it have a different meaning for me and for my family,but they don't know it)
So I'm thinking of coming out next week,I think about it all the time,I try to show myself that if I wait to long I will never pass,that I will lose my not-so-masculine appearence,lose my youth and don't have the friends I want(a guy and a girl from my school,they are very nice and fun,I wish I could be their friend,but I feel so shy.I made a anonymous formspring account to know them better,and I want to talk to them so hard.They are very good-looking,fun and friendly)I imagined how I would start to talk to them in the beggining of last year,when I changed to their school.
Ah,I just want to be me,and hurry.But the fear is too big...

segunda-feira, 18 de abril de 2011

Tomorrow may be a perfect day

Tomorrow after school I'm going to a university with the school(they are going to show some parts of it)it going to begin at 1:00 pm and end at 5:00pm,so it may be a good opportunity to let the letter to my parents read in the morning,but they work in the afternoon but I think that maybe it works fine.
I hope actually do it this time,but I'm afraid at the same time...

sábado, 16 de abril de 2011

The name of the blog

Wow,a lot of views if compared with the other days
So,the blog's name is based in the "Damsel in distress",I tried to show in a (what I think it is) creative way that is a transsexual blog,and that I'm a feminist(against the damsel that need to be saved thing)
stupid,right?i know...
That's it,and I didn't came out again,I'm trying to do it but I feel that maybe is not going to worth it

About showing a picture

When i started to think about making a blog,i started to question if it was going to be a good idea,because i dont know if i could handle the idea of videos of myself forever in the internet.So i started to wanting to make a blog,and i did.But now i think if is a good idea to put a picture in my profile or something(after hrt) to show how i am,but maybe someone that i know find the picture and a lot of things can happen,like people that didn't need to know that i'm trans.
Maybe i do a post describing myself lather

quarta-feira, 13 de abril de 2011

Didn't Came Out :(

I know that it sucks,but in tuesday i got sick and i didn't went to school,so i couldn't let the letter in a place that my parents would find,and today I forgot to do it...I'm going to give them the letter tomorrow i hope...I'm very depressed(started last year,when I changed to a new and bigger school),i feel so wrong in my body,it was always in my mind that i should be a girl but last year was that time where i couldn't handle it anymore...i'm having a hard time trying to have friends cuz i feel stupid in the way i look(i just talk to people when they talk to me)at least people just think im shy,and since im kinda androgynous in my manners people dont think i'm gay or trans,and i don't get bullied.But the only person who think is my friend is a weird and annoying guy,and i cant tell him that i dont want to be his friend cuz i feel a bit bad for him,but i try to ignore him when he start to get retarded.
I think that it is all for today,i hope i can come out tomorrow and start therapy and hormones as soon as i can,cuz im starting to feel that my beard is growing in the side(not too much,very little but i can see it,mostly because i dont want it)

terça-feira, 12 de abril de 2011

Talking with my brother and Movies to Watch

Yesterday my brother(he is my identical twin) and I started to talk about my feelings as transexual,and I'm kinda happy with the talk we had,because it seems now that he is accepting the fact that i have this feelings with my self,and we talked a lot if compared with the first attempt.He still don't understand it and still don't want to read about it or see movies about it(i wish I had Girl Like Me and Red Without Blue with portuguese subtitles).He told me that he didn't mind if i go through transition,but he fears for our family if i came out now with 15.He fears that our parentes wouldn't allow it or something like that...
The movie I really want to show to my family is Red Without Blue because is the story of identical twins and one of them is transexual,is a really beautiful movie.watch here
Gwen Araujo Story is pretty touching movie too,it worth watching:
-Girl Like Me:Gwen Araujo Story:Here is Part 1,you can find the others in the sugestion bar
-There is also a Law and Order:SVU(I love this series) episode(Fallacy)about a transexual woman,is pretty touching ans sad too(episodes with portuguese subs if you are brazilian like me):Part 1 you can find the others in the sugestion bar
That's it,if you liked those movies/episode comment,and if you know another good transexual movie or tv episode feel free to tell^^
please check my dragon,i want it to be the blog's pet:

segunda-feira, 11 de abril de 2011

Attraction to a Trans is not gay

Many people believe that a guy who have any kind of romantic relationship with a transwoman is gay,but is not.Because the guy treats her as a girl,see her as a girl and want to have a relationship with her like he would have with any other girl.It´s like,he likes her for her looks and/or her appearance,and she happens to be a trans.

domingo, 10 de abril de 2011

My Story

Since I was a little boy,i realized that were something wrong(because i knew i was a boy,if someone asked me I would answer that I was a boy,but i knew that it was something wrong).The toys I liked to play with were the ones wich both boys and girls could play(stuffed animals,plastic people animals,figures of television and movies,dinosaurs)I played with dolls once and I didn't find that fun,but I secretly wanted to have ponies and a barbie.I never wanted super girly clothes(but didn't like very masculine ones,but  now,sometimes o do think of  dressing more feminine and wearing make up in special occasions),nor a girly bedroom,girly backpack and make up.
Every night I would pray to wake up as a girl in the next morning,or wait to see in the news that some girls were born as boys,and only needed to take some pills to be a girl(I didn't knew about hrt back then).Time passed and I started to think that I was gay and that it was normal to having that feeling of wanting to be a girl,and before sleep or in anytime of the day i would imagine how my day and life would be like as a girl.
Puberty came,and I became more depressed(I was a happy kid) and more shy.I never had problems with my genitalia,I never hated it,but i started to hate my body,now with hair growing,larger hand and feet and a more masculine shape,it was my worst nightmare coming true.
Transexual stories in the internet or tv caught my attention,and i started to search about coming out and about other tgirls in the middle of 2010.I found some great websites,like http://www.tsroadmap.com  and http://www.secondtype.info/index.html . I found some great youtube channels too(they are in the end of the page)
who really helped me understanding more about it,and giving me hope,and i realized that i could do that to,that i could be myself.I started to thinking about coming out and i still didn't,but I'm planning on sending a letter to my parents in this Monday.If i do it,I'm going to post about coming out.
Sorry for three posts in the same day^^

Why not a Vlog

Even with a youtube account and two videos,I didn't want to make a vlog,because I'm not very good at talking to a camera and i don't feel very good about having me in the internet to everyone who want to see(or want to hurt me)but in a blog i have more privacy I guess.
You can check my youtube videos and know more about me in my favorite videos and subs


I've been thinking of making a blog about my transition(even though i didn't started it)because i wanted to share my experiences(that i will gain).So,this is the place were I'm going to do it,and I'm going to write about some trans subjects and maybe other things too.
I hope you guys will enjoy it