domingo, 31 de agosto de 2014

Long time no see

  It's been so long since I write anything here. My transition is still stuck,and so is the rest of my life. College is already stressing,specially with dysphoria,depression and social anxiety. I'm too scared and lazy to actually kill myself but in a lot of days I wish I'd be caught in some accident and die.

  I also realized I have maladaptive daydreaming,which is excessive daydreaming. And it's the dumbest thing because I follow a tumblr on that but never connected the dots. I don't want to give up daydreaming completely,but I can see how it being excessive is bad,god knows how many opportunities in life I'll miss because of that. I actually never stopped to think about puberty before as a kid because just daydreaming being a girl was enough,and i always though something was going to happen and I'd wake up as a girl the next day. Sleeping and daydreaming are pretty much the only good things I have,those are the only moments I'm at peace.

  In other news,my hair have never been longer. For some reason my parents are allowing me to keep it growing,it's shoulder lenght now(passing,but it's wavy and poofy). But because nothing good can happen in my life,it's falling very badly,I'm very very very far from balding,but the scalp is visible on the top of my head,specially in bathroom-like lights.
  My skin continues to be very dry,I have symptons similar to of a retina detachment but I did a mapping and my doctor says I'm fine. One of my biggest fears is to loose my sight,and if it ever happens I'll probably kill myself.

  I did some cleaning up on my teeth. I have been on braces since I was 13,but another doctor of mine(she does the cleaning) said I should see another dentist's opinion on my progression,and it seems my former dentist wasn't well prepare for my case(very complicated,I have fewer teeth than average). For the first time in my life I had caries,and one was a pain to take it off.

  I took my braces at the end of last year,and will soon have to start braces all over again with this new doctor. He seems great and my other doctor that suggested him,but I can't stand having to go back to the beginning of the treatment. My former doctor almost got implants in me(he did took about 6 teeth of mine to aid in the progress of others,so I barely have teeth on the side),so it could have been worst.

 It's so much to me,I feel I'm about to have a mental breakdown at the middle of class or something. My family may care about me but they definitely don't care about my depression and dysphoria,they know I'm shy but they'd probably say I'm over reacting if I told them I have social anxiety disorder.

 I've been daydreaming about trying to kill myself and going to some institution for a while,even if it's just to take a break from daily life,and show my parents I'm serious about depression.

I watched Ordinary People at friday,it's a amazing movie,and I can relate so much with it,definitelly became one of my favorite movies of all time.