sexta-feira, 21 de dezembro de 2012

Update Time/Happy Christmas

                   FELIZ NATAL

When shopping three days in a row for Christmas.I'm feeling good,until I get to see my full body reflection on a mirror,that makes me feel like crap.I can daydream almost the whole day that I'm actually female and such,almost like an illusionary layer,but the minute I see myself,the truth comes out,I realize that I'm still male.

High school is officially over.Great,just threw 3 years that I was supposed to had great times and make friends for a life time in the thrash can.I want to do the third year again,but as preparation to get into the best college.The one I got is great,but is paid and not as good as the other one,which is free.My mother wants me to do the one I got in,she says a it would be a waste of waste of a year to do the year again,even though lots of students do that.

I keep throwing away my time daydreaming,mostly about crushes,being one of my teacher and the guy from since the first year of high school.I keep thinking to myself how to describe them,specially the guy my age,to people know he is indeed a amazing guy,smart,funny,down to earth,etc.Even I'd never show a picture of him or tell his name to online friends,because I think it would be mean.

I will travel for Christmas,to my father's siblings as usual.I wanted to stay at home.So,in advance,Happy Christmas to you all,my lovely readers.


domingo, 16 de dezembro de 2012

Siul a Run

I love celtic music,and to find out that my internet name,Siul,means "to walk" in irish was very cool,I thought it had no meaning.Here's my song then,hehe

sexta-feira, 30 de novembro de 2012


I started to think about this yesterday,to me,if I could create a place to live eternally,it would be a rather small town,like those cute ones in England or Germany,in a landscape,vast fields with trees,mountains and lakes like in Switzerland.There would be no measurement of time,but a hazy concept.There would be other cities,but traveling would be uncommon.There would be internet,but people would not spend the whole day on it.Lot's of dancing, partying and fairs.People would work and gain money from it,but would enjoy their jobs.

quarta-feira, 21 de novembro de 2012

I am done

I was forced to get a haircut yesterday.As I went back to my house,my father started to yell saying that it was enough,that if I wanted to cut my dick off it was okay,that he is not going to intrude my life anymore.All because according to him my hair was the same,and that I asked to the hairdresser to not cut much.

My mother came home,and then they started the speech.That I'm too shy to be transgender,that a surgery will not solve my problems,that if I keep like this I'll have no money or job.And just to finish it,said that I should get blessed by a priest or something,just to see if it works.

Really,they pretty much told me they didnt paid attention to what I wrote,that I'm a liar.

I am done with this,all I want is to stay on my bed every single day,avoid the mirror,not to see my body getting more and more deformed...I just wish I could be happy and normal.

sexta-feira, 16 de novembro de 2012

Time for a update

The Lady of Shaloty-1888-J.W. Waterhouse

Regular classes already ended,now it's only for those who need for preparation for entering college.I attended the Geography one,because I like it very much,and planning on going on others too.Thing is,I believe I didn't passed the college test,the public college,the best one.My choices are either try again next year,doing this year again for preparation(what I want to,because I'm not really ready for college,and would love one more year with awesome teachers) or to go to paid college,which I passed.

I have a test tomorrow,last one.All subjects,like it's been all this year,but only 3 hours.I really need great grades on Physics and Chemistry,and I know I'm screwed,so much to think I may fail this year,and then,be forced to re-do it again,but as a regular year,not just preparation.

Looking back,the year seemed long,maybe because it was a new routine and school(like said before,same school but different building/area),but still I have that feeling it just flew away from my reach.I regret not trying making friends,and trying getting closer to teachers.I have my top 3 favorites,but they're all nice,and I do have a bit of a crush in one of the Biology ones.

Lot's of awful feelings over my body,my facial hair,manly hands...I wish I could had started hormones and could go full time next year.No therapy,my parents must pretend nothing's wrong.I'm just very sad about how this year turned out to be in some aspects,I wish I could be a normal girl.

sábado, 3 de novembro de 2012

quarta-feira, 10 de outubro de 2012


 Sorry for not posting much,and when I post is dumb,unrelated crap.Like I said in older posts,no transition until I'm 18 or my parents change mind.

Just a quick post,Hugs.

segunda-feira, 8 de outubro de 2012

If I could sing...

  • Dark Waltz
  • The Prayer
  • Summer Fly
  • My Heart Belongs To You
  • Wuthering Heights
  • Over The Rainbow
  • Summer Rain
  • Abide With Me
  • Time To Say Goodbye
  • Both Sides Now
  • Dell'amore non si sa

  • May It Be
  • Siuil A Run
  • Lascia Chi'o Pianga
  • You Raise Me Up
  • Scarborough Fair
  • Nella Fantasia
  • The Last Rose of Summer
  • She Moves Through The Fair
  • You'll Never Walk Alone
  • The Water is Wide

  • Wave
  • Pela Luz dos Olhos Teus
  • Garota de Ipanema
  • Devolva-me
  • Num Corpo So
  • Aguas de Marco
  • Bachianas Brasileira N.5
  • Cara Valente
  • Encontros e Despedidas
  • Aquarela do Brasil
  • Insensatez
  • O Barquinho
  • Meu Mundo Caiu

  • Mana Mou Ta Louloudia Mou
  • Anthismeni Amigdala
  • I Varka Gyrise Mon
  • Guns of Navarone
  • I Feel Pretty
  • If My Friends Could See Me Now
  • Sound of Music
  • Edelweiss

segunda-feira, 17 de setembro de 2012

Travel List


sábado, 8 de setembro de 2012

See you all when I'm 18

Today after class(yes,I have a extra class on Saturday and Monday) I went to the mall with my family.It started with my mother forcing me to wear shorts.I have to wear them ever since my legs started to get really hairy,and she still forces me to do it.Also,I could not wear a hoodie or jacket because it's too hot,so I felt really unconformable.
 We ate first in a nice restaurant,I really liked the food.My brother and I went to the bookstore while my parents went see things for the house.Some time later we found them in the bookstore,and they started to show books to us.One was about lacking D vitamin caused depression,like it would make me happier out of sudden.Proceding,my father found a drawing tutorial book for kids,and showed me,I took a quick look at it,I was pretty much sad/bored since we left the house.He then flipped for me being emotionless,and then we left.
 At the car,he and my mother started to argue on many things,with me being of course,the one who caused all of this.He started talking about how I only got worst after coming out,that I needed to change for whatever I wanted to do.My mother said I talk to frustrated people online,that me being like this must be a curse or punishment,that she should have become a whore instead of being a respectful woman,that I was raised right and some kids are not and turn into normal men,and kept denying I have any problem,and that I'm too shy to do something so radical,that I'll be deformed.My father then made sounds like of a mentally retarded,trying to imitate how I am all the time.He said that he tried helping me with a therapist(non GT) and that I need lots and lots of physiological tests with a trustful therapist,not a biased one(it's how he refers GT,and when I found one he did not wanted me to do therapy with her).He agrees I have a problem,but that is complicated and not even I understand,but gladly he knows is not something I choose.He kept saying hormones,silicon,surgery will not be my saviors,he just don't get it.
 Apparently there's no way to convince them I'm not mentally handicapped,that being transsexual is not all of that they think it is,they think they own the truth on very single subject,not only in gender identity.If I get the so called therapist my father said that he still is looking for,is not going to be GT.I'm not sure either if I will still be browsing any trans-related website,sure they give me hope,but after today I'm all alone with transition,and I will probably get really un-passable when I'm 18.I just wish I could have my dream live,living as myself,with friends,getting into a nice college in design course,finding a nice job,moving to a apartment designed how I like,traveling around Europe and Japan,but it probably will not happen,not with me hating myself.

sábado, 18 de agosto de 2012

Quanto aos comentários em relação a noticia de Luma Andrade

 Hoje eu achei um artigo na pagina do sobre a professora transsexual Luma Andrade,sendo a primeira mulher transsexual doutora do Brasil.Me assustei com a ignorância tipica dos comentários desse site.Falta a educação básica do respeito nas casas brasileiras.
 Pessoas sem nenhum nível de respeito ao próximo,que fazem ameaças de morte,usam nomes maldosos para se referir a outro ser humano, que por ser diferente,parece merecer tudo de pior,ate sendo comparado a um assassino ou pedófilo.É comum não saber muito sobre transsexualidade,quando não se faz parte do grupo,mas não é correto criar pré conceitos sobre pessoas que passam por situações difíceis,muitas vezes sem apoio nenhum.Claro,é mesmo complicado entender como que alguém,nascido de um sexo,sente como se fosse do outro,mas não é por isso que merecem tanta hostilidade.
 Apesar do que a maioria das pessoas pensa,uma pessoa não acorda querendo ser de outro sexo,nem quer "mudar de sexo" pois se sente excitado por isso.Transsexuais tem todo o tipo de personalidade de sexualidade,existem mulheres transsexuais de personalidade pouco feminina, lésbicas,muito femininas, hétero,bissexuais,etc.O mesmo com os homens transsexuais.A transição leva tempo,é complicada,exaustiva mental e fisicamente,para poder enfim,sentir-se bem consigo mesmo.
 Não que transsexuais mereçam pena,mas apenas respeito. Não precisa achar certo,bonito,apenas respeite,trate uma pessoa transsexual com o respeito que você trataria qualquer outra.Lembre-se de que se for uma mulher transsexual(nascida homem) use os pronomes femininos,e se for um homem transsexual,trate-o com pronomes masculinos.

terça-feira, 10 de julho de 2012

Eysenck P-E-N Personality Test

Extroversion (sociability)||||||           21%
Neuroticism (emotionality)||||||||||||||||||72%
Psychoticism (rebelliousness)||||       15%

segunda-feira, 9 de julho de 2012

Looking back

 I was watching some videos I loved to watch of T girls on Youtube.I remember how I felt connected to those people,how I wanted to start my journey and live my life like they did.I was so hoping my parents would be understanding,by my logic I would be almost a year on hormones now,my hair would be shoulder length and I would be looking great.Of course,sadly,nothing of this happened to me,I tried not thinking of being transsexual but I can't.I daydream a lot,pretty much all the time.It can be about me being born female,me being great at singing,me coming out at 10 so I would avoid puberty,me as a whole different person and married to Tom Hiddleston(yes,I still like Bradley Cooper).
 I feel sometimes that if I were born a girl,I would be starting to be less tomboy,but not too girlish either,just in between,like most "normal" girls are.My mother everyday complains about being female,she think it will make me change my mind.Both of my parents doesn't understand the urgency of hormones,my mother said something like "Oh why don't you wait me to die before doing such things" or my father saying I need to graduate.I know,it's getting repetitive always complaining about it,but I can't help it,my teen years are ending.Don't get me wrong;drinking,smoking,having sex and party hard are not my ideas of fun,but how I wish I could get like 3 friends come over,get some snacks and just have fun,watch a movie,etc.
 I just envy so much people who are happy with their lives.At the same time,it makes me feel good for them,knowing that not everyone have to be miserable like me

I just needed to do one of my monthly rants on how my life sucks,how I don't have any friends and how I just hate my body to death.

INFP Personality Type

Introverted (I) 80% Extroverted (E) 20%
Intuitive (N) 55% Sensing (S) 45%
Feeling (F) 67.65% Thinking (T) 32.35%
Perceiving (P) 51.43% Judging (J) 48.57%

Your type is: INFP

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

I love this description here,it's pretty much me:

sábado, 7 de julho de 2012

Living Forever

Everybody did so,and it was something viewed as normal.
I was thinking about it,I live like there's no such thing as the possibility of me dying in a accident,or even dying when I'm older.
I was reading these days about a girl that stayed in a institutions to help teens with depression and things like day,they had a routine and she said she enjoyed it.I started to think,if there was immortality,and we could get a routine like that(sports,watching movies,etc,etc) and not worrying about would not be so bad.
Just rambling.

terça-feira, 3 de julho de 2012

Sometimes It Feels Like Giving Up

 Most of the time I just can't picture myself happy,living a normal life that I wish everyday.I keep looking at myself in the mirror,and wonder how much will I change by the time I'm 18.Like I said a thousand of times,my hands are large with a very masculine shape.The feet are very large too,but they don't appear as much as hands,although I know buying shoes will be awful.My issue is,I look a lot like my father when he was younger,and I have the same body type.I'm tall,very very hairy and my shoulders are getting bigger,while my hips not so much(inverted triangle.although my shoulders are slightly bigger then hips),voice getting deeper.His hands are HUGE.I'm not exasperating,they are not only long,but extremely thick and fat.There is no way someone could pass with his build.
 Besides the looks,I don't know if people will treat me different.I'm very shy,how I'll react to nasty comments or just a polite question?My country does have quite some hate crimes toward gay people,I have to admit it scares me.All I do is just daydream of either having coming out earlier and living as female already,or have being born female,but not fertile,that would be too much luck.
 I feel that I'll be on of those weirdos that people whisper about at break time on their work,or when they go out with their friends.I'll probably be at home all the time,playing video games...
 Small update,my father said that he will be getting a therapist for me soon,but still talked about how most transwomen are prostitutes,and he doesn't believed when I said I stayed away from trans websites,he always thinks he's right and know if I'm lying or not,it's really annoying.

Just a rant with a update.

sábado, 21 de abril de 2012

terça-feira, 3 de abril de 2012


 How to start.My father wants to find me a therapist,but not the wonderful one I found,but still,he wants me to do something to loose my shyness first,so I can express myself better.He talked to me about transition one day in the car.He believes most transpeople are depressed because of the surgery,they can't have pleasure and some are so miserable they want to drag people to their suffering,comparing it with drug users.He says that he worries about me and don't want to put me in this world  like this.He said he talked to a hundred of doctors and all said is impossible to do hormones before 18.He lies a lot,I really doubt he really talked with doctors about that.My mother was so mean to me a Saturday morning,she even came to the point of saying that she would rather have the dog as a child,because she will not change her gender,but still she acts normal with me after that.
 My body hair is growing,I'm starting to have chest hair and hair in my back,is disgusting.I started participating in the Social Anxiety Support forums,and is pretty good.If you want to find me there my nickname is Smoothie.I've been escaping to my magical world again,imagining my life as female,or listening to the sound of music all day long.I just want to start hormones soon,I'm afraid that by 18 I will be too manly to pass.If I ever get to be life my father physically then I'm screwed.I look quite like him,my hands are thicker than most 16 year old,but still not as big as an adult's hand,but I still don't know how long they will stay this size.My worst nightmare is to be past 18,no hormones and looking extremely masculine,then I will have no hope to pass...
I supposed not to enter transwebsites,I'm trying my hard,my parents think I'm alienated,that if I stop seeing those things I will change my views,that life isn't just that.The worst is it seems they don't believe when I say I feel like that since young,maybe because I felt like a tomboyish girl I wasn't so flamboyant as most young transsexuals,but they probably will not understand.It makes me disgusted that they probably think I'm having a typical teen identity crisis,I know what I am A WOMAN.I always been the quite perfect son,but it seems like for my mother being trans just overwhelms it all.
I just wanted to post a update after a long time of absence.

segunda-feira, 27 de fevereiro de 2012

First Day on New School

 Today was the first day at my new school(same school since 1st year of high school,but in a different location,all but 3 teachers are different from the last two years).I got a really bad stomach ache but I was fine.The class is huge and cold,there are no windows and the school is downtown,so it is all closed and there is no green,it kinda makes me feel trapped.There were a lot of people from last year but all with their friends,so I sitted next to my brother and that guy I talk to sometimes.Almost 3 months of vacation made this day really tiring.This year I have classes on saturday and have to study hard for Vestibular(
I will wait a little to ask my father about therapy,I know it is going to be tuff to have therapy and having to study everyday but I want it so bad.

quarta-feira, 22 de fevereiro de 2012

Thinking about my life,my old Fantasy World

 Looking at myself now,I still can't believe that I'm already 16,I feel like 13 years old.I have no experience when it comes to dating,but still I think that even as a cisgender girl I would wait for the right guy,hooking up with thousand of guys doesn't seem nice to me.But other experiences,going out in a party,going to the mall or to an event like a Haru Matsuri or something like that in a park with friends,I thought I would have at least a close and fun friend beside my brother.I had two imaginary boyfriends.One I would had met at 13,he was new to the school I used to study before high school.He was 14/15,tall,dark blonde and fair skin with blue eyes.The other one was recent,a younger version of Bradley Cooper,a bisexual and friendly guy that I would meet at my old therapist.I feel stupid thinking about it,but still,I never had these fun teen episodes in my life,I spend my whole day at home,and if I go out is with my parents.
 Untill 13 my life was happy.I studied so long in the same school that it looked like that I pent much more time of my life there,and even thought that time would not pass,and my life would be like that for the eternity.I was friends with everybody in my class,was much more outspoken,but still shy(small school,tiny class).During the day I would go to this perfect world,were I was a girl,a beautiful girl that looked a lot like my aunt(mother side,looks like Kate Capshaw in Indiana Jones).I was smarter then I already was(the school was pretty easy,I didn't studied at all and was one of the top in my class),I was way more confident,I would stand up for myself and speak my mind,but still being polite most of the time.At 14,the new school was bigger,different people and was way harder,so I had to focus on studying.I lost my best friend,I could not speak in front of the class like I did before,and worst,my body became much more masculine.In my head,I was this delicate and feminine girl,but now my hand and feet got larger,more hair started to cover my body,I got wider,etc,etc.I thought that somehow,I would not turn into a grown guy,that someway I would turn into this girl of my dreams.I still escaped to this dreamland.I was friend with my crush and his female best friend,I talked a little with everyone and would say my opinion in discussions,not only listen.
 I started to realize that only dreaming and waiting would not help me.I started looking for information about coming out and the whole transition process.Now I knew that you can't fully transition in a matter of months,that getting hormones is not easy,that transsexuals could be average and decent people.I created a youtube channel and started watching videos,how much they helped me.I could relate to a lot of things those girls were saying,my favorite vlog being jesslyngirl87.How I would love to be like her,and to start my own transition.It took me months to come out,almost a year I guess.My mothers reaction only got me more distant from my dream,and my father saying that I was being manipulated by internet people hurted a lot,it was like being called dumb.Even my mother told me once that she admires that I'm not the mindless teen that changes and follows whats "hot",but now they told me this.I asked for my father to talk to a therapist,but he said he would find another one,he said it would have experience in trans subject.When I get to my first appointment,she never treated a transsexual.She seemed open minded,but the therapy was getting in a different course,being about how I became transsexual,and again,I felt more and more distant from my dream.
I found a GT now,and I'm waiting for my father's response.I admit that I still go to this dreamland,but now I'm just like my real me,but started transition earlier.I admit that I should accept my sittuation,but it helps me to sleep something,imaging a better version of my life.
 All I want is to be happy,is to be me,finally.I know that the years I lost will never comeback,no matter how much I dream of having happy 2 years of high school.But still,as soon I start hormones,sooner I will get to live as me,my goal now is start college,even having less than a year for hormones effects,let's hope I have good genetics.
Just wanted to vent about this,it could be a biography if I wanted,but writing again about my childhood it would be useless,it was happy,I wasn't a tough boy but still not visibly too feminine.Thanks for reading,it makes me feel so good to write things down,I don't have someone to talk face to face about it,I hope I will get in those transsexual group meetings.I have to admit,this online searching that started as "how to tell my parents I'm transgender" in Google to a blog,youtube channel and account at Laura's(I've been looking for a forum like this since my first searchs online,I wish I found it earlier than last year)was better than any therapy,I watched and read things that made me think about myself and my life that no therapy will be able to do.Thanks all of you who helped me in this journey,who is just about to start if everything goes well,I'm even talking(anonymously) to that female best friend in msn,and I'm planning to come out to her.
A little update and "rant"

ps:sorry for bad writting and grammar :)

segunda-feira, 13 de fevereiro de 2012

Social Anxiety Suport

I got in this forum:
don't know if is a good idea,but I relate to so much thing that people say,maybe it will
be good for me,I guess,what you guys think?

domingo, 12 de fevereiro de 2012

Maybe not so "Yayness"

 Yesterday I went out with my family to cut my hair.They ask me WHY would I want to get my hair long,like they pretend I never send a letter explaining more then just that.I'm supposed to cut my hair with the same guy,to cut only the points so it not become bad or messy,but I don't know how my hair will grow like that,he cuts too much.
After coming out,going out with my family always end up with some comment about me looking sad and awkward most of the time,and with my mother saying there is nothing wrong with me.

 My father then said that I look worst then before coming out,and that he is looking for therapists.That's the problem,I gave him information about a GT with number,location and everything and he agreed,but now he said that he is looking for therapists.It is akwkard to talk about this with my father but I hope he does get an apoitment with the GT I want.

quarta-feira, 8 de fevereiro de 2012

Annoying Comments and Fun

 It's been quite a bother to have to listen to my mother's comment.I talked just about some minutes about seeing our dermatologist because my hair is falling pretty bad and is very thin in the front,she said that its like that because I "worry too much about stupid things" and that live is short and I'm losing time.I don't think she read my coming out letter at all,she makes no effort to understand and every time she says things like that is like a stab.I never answer,she doesn't accept it,if I try to talk maybe it only gets worse.I think is funny how even my dad still wants me to cut my hair short and doesn't know why I feel embarrassed to be on the pool(okay,I'm slightly over my ideal weight,but is not my main problem).I just want to start therapy soon,he said he only needs to talk with my old therapist before changing,but no answer still(he is traveling a lot,he friend passed away these days,so I'm not asking anything to not be annoying).
 This is my last month of vacation,and my time wasting is go to Bradley Cooper News on Facebook or watch videos with him,my first real celebrity crush.It kills me that I can't post a comment there,I don't want to be seen as gay,to have to explain everything now...
Just needed to right this down

quinta-feira, 19 de janeiro de 2012


The psychologist answered my e-mail,and I will talk to my father about it,I hope he accept it,and maybe I will go to an encounter of transexuals in the transgroup.

quarta-feira, 18 de janeiro de 2012


I found a psychologist from my city that deal with the LGBT community,I will try to talk to her and see with my parents if I can change to her instead of my current one.
Sorry for not been posting