segunda-feira, 13 de outubro de 2014

Nothing much to say

  Only that I still feel awful, I had the day free today because of a holiday, but I already got things to do for college. And the extended weekend went so quick, I hate that. My computer is a mess and because I need to use it for everything college related I'm screwed.

  I said in another post about building up confidence, etc. Now I'm not sure if the "I might look good after HRT/FFS" is just wishful thinking. I would look good if I didn't had male puberty, but now I'm almost sure it's too late. And it sucks because in theory I have features similar to what my ideal face would be. It's like if I could tweak my face like in The Sims 4 to change size of certain things, their position,etc I'd be able to achieve my ideal face, which is how I imagine I'd look like if I had female puberty.

  If I had female puberty my body would be close to my ideal to, a Top Hourglass shape. It's like the regular hourglass only the hips aren't as large, so the shoulders are wider.  But now my chest is too wide for that, I have zero hips. I have fairly long legs for a male my height(5'9 1/4), but they're shorter than most women my height. Not forgetting to mention my hand and feet that will never look female.

  At some point in my life I'll have to let go of that idealized version of myself, all the fantasy lives she lives,etc Because they will never happen, and to be honest I don't think I'll ever let go of that. If I had any willpower to practice lucid dreaming I would, I guess it's the closer I'll get to actually live those scenarios. And I keep trying to make a visual reference of what this idealized version of me looks like, I have vague ideas, like flashes of mental images of what she looks like, and tried to recreate them using MorphThing, The Sims 4, etc they come close but never look exactly how I picture.

  The idea of dealing with transition feels overwhelming, but at the same time I'd love to at least be on hormones already, I've heard you can get some changes in your hips before you turn 24. I honestly cannot picture myself looking good or happy after transition, the way my parents have been dealing with this makes me dread to touch the subject, I don't like to imagine what would be like to be full time near them, or just deal with anything related to transition.

  I already feel pretty dependent on my family for everything, so it kills me they're just gonna omit themselves like that, that what I get from my father's "study,work and do everything you want" speech that is supposed to be motivational but for me is like a big "fuck you". I know they care but when it comes to social anxiety, depression and dysphoria they act like is nothing, that I can just get up and work things out, and they get angry at me for not being able to handle my issues.

  And my hair is falling, my skin is super dry, my teeth are awful as usual.... And I'm supposed to start interning next year (should be doing it already,actually), I swear I'll have a breakdown if I have anymore stress in my life. I wish I could slip in the bathroom and smash my head on the sink or something, pass out and be able to relax for a while. Or just drop dead and be death already.