sexta-feira, 29 de julho de 2011

My Parents Reaction and Talk

My father called my brother and I,showed the letter and started talking.He says
that he wants to help me,wants me to be happy and want to go to therapy together.My mother said some really mean things,and showed that doesn't know nothing about being transsexual,wants me to go to church,pray and live as a guy(or at least gay),that I think turning into a woman is "cool" because of the media and Internet,thinks I'm too young,that all transwomen are prostitute or have bad jobs,that I will regret,that I never showed nothing that would make her think that I'm trans(she thinks I would need to be super girlish or something,and didn't want to read anything about transsexualism.Them both think I've been a little manipulated by the people I talk in the Internet,and I tried to explain that is not like that.
They don't want me to talk to these people,but I will still do that,and I hope that the therapist will help them to understand.
It surprised me that my father was calm and my mother was the mean one.After the talk she is treating me the loving way as always.I made a list of questions and points to give to the therapist,one of them is to not have two many months to therapy,because I don't want to get super manly at 18,then transition will be pointless.
Can't wait to therapy next week(at least my father said)

I Came Out

This morning,I was thinking with myself "It's the end of the year already,and this was supposed to be the year were I would come out and start transitioning."
Thinking of that,I got the letter(my parents was looking for a remote control in my room and almost found it)put it on the table with a pink crocodile pin(the ones for food bags)so it would draw attention.I was not thinking at that point,I just did what I had too.
At school,I was anxious.Sometimes,I would think "I did it?I let the letter for them to read?am I dreaming?".
When I got in the car to go to lunch,my mother(who is a happy talkative person)was kinda sad and quiet,but still loving(asked about school,gave me a little massage on my hair,etc).
At the letter I wrote that my parents should wait until them both were at home,so she didn't said anything about(she is right next to me).I also said that I don't believe in God anymore in the letter,and now she asked if I pray before sleep in a very calm way.
I can't wait for tonight,maybe my parents will talk to me about it.My brother doesn't know that I did it.

segunda-feira, 25 de julho de 2011

Crossdressed in front of my mother

So,I got a new haircut since last week.Its kinda weird,because it looks like a bit like this image above(Remus Farseer from Guin Saga).but only in the front.But is messy(its very lightly wavy).If I brush it it looks straight.So,I started to let it brushed for fun at home,because it looks really funny.Today when I did that(just some minutes ago)I wore a scarf,my mothers glasses and her jacket.She and my brother laughed a lot.I have to admid that I looked funny,but cute^^
She said that my father would be mad to see me like that.I believe so.

quinta-feira, 21 de julho de 2011

My Mother

So,in the last few years I've been noticing that my mother,in a friendly and not threatening way,that she have two sons,that are men and are going to date woman.
She says that in a friendly way and sometimes in random occasions(at least she doesn't say that too much,very few times).For me it looks like she really want a good future to me,but unfortunately,is not the future I want to myself.
Yesterday I said that it annoys me when she says that,and she didn't understood why(I didn't said why).
Should I wait till she says that again and talk to her(and then come out)?
Yesterday she also said that she wish to be born a man in her next live(of course,a joke because of period and stuff),and I almost said that if she wanted we could trade our "parts" XD
I should have said something....
good news:

terça-feira, 19 de julho de 2011

That Guy

You know that guy I talked about,the one who is best friends of that girl(I want to be friends with them),that I talk with and anonymous formspring?I don't know if my feelings are a crush or something like that,sometimes I really wish to date him.He is good looking(in a cute/hot way,I wish I could put a photo of him here so you guys could know but I think is not fair with him,he have a natural body for a 15 years old),funny,polite,a little bit shy,have some similar views on dating(think is wrong to hook up with anyone you see),he is that type of cute friend(from what I see),he is not that type of guy that be friends with girl with others intentions,he is very sweet and respectful.Sometimes I wish that everybody could know how much of a great person he is.But still I think he deserve a better person,much more good looking than me(I'm not ugly,just my low self esteem,but I'm not gorgeous too).
Sorry for this,I just needed to rant

Thoughts,Very Random Thoughts

 Next week,school is back.If I could choose,I will be in my home without going out forever.It disgust me that everyone sees me as a guy and have no idea of my feelings of my body or that I like guys.I hate my body almost all the time,but I still believe if I get hormones fast enough I can "pass"(hate that word).
 I have no desire to talk to people,most of the time I have no desire to laugh.Still,I wish I had a group of friends.Since I was 7 I had a friend,he was my best friend(my brother's too)and I always imagine me as being the girl of the group,but still tomboyish.He stopped talking to us since last year and now thinks that other guys are his friends,but they only make fun of him.My parents talk all the time to cut my hair,because like I said before is thick and I let it messy all of the time.the bad part is that is not even long,but is not very short also.
 Some days I feel like I'm ready to come out and tell my parents everything,but the next day I feel that maybe another day,I feel stupid.Sometimes I think of making a blog in portuguese or just make a post in english and other in portuguese.

quinta-feira, 14 de julho de 2011

Thoughts and Searching

 It's being a while since I started thinking of this,of how different Mtf and FtM are,like,I know how is the feeling of hating your body and thinking that you should have been born in the other gender,but still is very hard to try to think of how is like to want to be a guy,or hating to be a girl.It's funny,because if is hard to me to understand,it must be really hard to cisgender people to get it too,and it's even worst because they don't have the feeling of wrong body.
Just a random thought.The Laura's Playground Forum is great,I'm reading a lot of topics about coming out and HRT,and made some of my own,even thinking of posting this one there,maybe
Trying to search for therapists in the beginning of this year I found a female therapist that doesn't answer my e-mails,only put the number of her clinic.I don't know if I should call her,but my brother is always at home.I'm triyng to ask to some FtM sites(in one of them I found this therapist) because they are brazilian and maybe know some professionals who work in Curitiba.

domingo, 10 de julho de 2011

What I want to say when I get a therapist

When I get a gender therapist(after coming out,of course),there are somethings that I want to make clear(of course,not in a rude way^^):
  • I know that I'm transsexual,I have no doubts about it;
  • I have depression that it comes from my feelings of my body;
  • I want to start HRT as soon as possible to avoid new effects of puberty;
  • I feel attracted to boys,and my attraction to girl are some kind of "admiration" or a wish of being like them;
There are also some topics that I want to discuss:
  • My views on my body since a little kid;
  • Depression and Male Puberty
  • Relationship with other people;
  • Family;
  • Constant imagine myself in a female version of me(either looking like my aunt-mom's sister-or looking like how I would look if I had female puberty instead of male),like existing girls around my age or creating girls in my mind that I could be or even boys that would start transitioning,but more androgynous looking);
  • Female characters in tv/movies/video games(always play as a women if I can,usually identify with females in movies or tv shows).
This is what I have for now.I wish that I wrote it because I was going to have a therapy session tomorrow or something,I want it so bad.But now like I said before,its 2 weeks of vacation that can be very awkward if I come out.
ps:It is wrong to write "transexual" in english?

quarta-feira, 6 de julho de 2011


I've always been a good student,since I was 5 years old(when I started going to school).Obedient,quiet,sweet to teachers and other studens.Making friends was always kinda har because I'm shy,but it only get worse when I got in a new school(last year and still on it).Is bigger then the others schools I've studied,and maybe because at 14 I could see more effects from puberty then before,I have no confidence and hate my appearance,so I feel retarded when people talk to me because I know they are looking a guy,so I have a huge problem on looking at people's eyes.Before this new school I had one best friend(beside my brother) and some good friends,but the best friend was the only that I really chatted all day or go to each others house(I already went to other 2 guys house,they are nice but I dont talk much to them).Now this"best friend" stopped talking to me since last year,changed alot.I have that weird dirty guy to talke,because sometimes he is fun and normal,but sometimes unearable.
Grade-wise,I've always been a good student too.Me and my brother were the best in classe from 10 years old to 13.At 14 in new school we had trouble with math and chemistry (he is good at physics).Whe never really liked studying,we only studied a bit a day before the test in the other school,now we study a week before.
I'm not bullied or something like that,but people dont talk to me,because I was supposed to try to talk since I was new(Im shy,no way I starting a conversation),but some people say "hi" or something like that.I've always felt bad near girls,because when I compare our appearance I know that I'm in the wrong body,and feel manly.Friend-wise I always had male friends,because before puberty the guys from my other school talked about tv shows and toys and stuff I liked,and almost all girls were too girly.Now ate 15 most girls talk about what I like,since they are less girlysh then the ones from my others school,but of course there are boys who are not the typical dirty teenager XD.
Sorry for bad grammar,Im in a hurry

terça-feira, 5 de julho de 2011

I found a forum and coming out in the internet

I found a forum today,Laura's Playground,and I resgistered in it(just waiting to be able to post)
I'm planning to post about my coming out letter,and use it in my many doubts about HRT and the therapy itself.
Maybe I post my story too.Im already part of a Pokemon forum,and Im going to come out to the members there when Im full time(I think it is better),with new facebook and stuff.So,do you guys already had to come out in the internet?
Bye(Im going to study,I swear!!

Looking for diet

So,im a pretty lazy person,do no exercise AT ALL.I had my chubby phase at 10 to 12 I guess,I was always thin and little before that.At 13 I got more height and lost weight,and now since I do no exercise I have a little belly(very little,only can see without shirt)and I my breasts are kinda prominent(again,very little,can see only without shirt).Im looking forward to start doing exercise(with this) and I want to know if there are diets that are good if you are in HRT.My goal is to lose some weight(Im not fat XD)because there is a big probability to gain it with hormones,and maybe go in a diet that help in the hormone part.
And,Im going to study now(Math,Biology and Chemistry).
Do you guys think that is a good idea to come out now?after this week,Im going to have 2 weeks of winter vacation(i lost this one because of recuperation tests).Maybe leave the letter while Im at school,but I dont know how it will be dealing directly with my parents for 2 weeks about it.

domingo, 3 de julho de 2011

Going to study tomorrow and more

I need to study for Math,Biology and Chemistry for this week(and loose some of my vacation TT^TT),but I hope to get the necessary grade in each one...
Thanks for your comments,Its means a lot to me.
I have a anonymous formspring that I use to talk to a guy and a girl that I want to be friends with(like I said before,they are fun,nice,unique,good looking,not stereotyped or something,they are really nice people),and when I reveal who I am to them,Im thinking of using my formspring(not saying the name of it because is easy to find it if you search in Google,I made up the name so if i put it here,maybe people who shouldn't find this blog...) to answer questions about my transition...
I want to start hormones now...If I start therapy now,maybe I get 3 months of hormones in this year,not what I planned to myself(like I said before)...I imagine myself taking hormones,noticing the effects...

sábado, 2 de julho de 2011

I danced

So,today we had "Festa Junina" in my school,and the students from Secondary school could dance to get a grade in physical education,because this year there were no option like last year(you could choose between a written homework about all world cups or dance,and last year I chosen the homework).The teacher invited me to dance with her so I accepted(last year she danced with her son,that died a moth or two after the dance).It was very quick and even kinda fun(except for my nausea before starting because Im very very shy).
 The Portuguese teacher told my class that in another school she works the boys dressed up as girls and the girls as boys,and I was hoping for it to happen in my school,so I could cross dress(I never actually did it,I think I already wrote about it in a post)and maybe it would not be too weird because everybody would do the same.Some days before the dance that I would not need to dance because there were no place for a new couple in the lines(4 in total).But then she said that I would have to dance,but not with her.At the end I danced with a girl from my class.
If yoy guys want to have a idea of what the dance was like(maybe) search "quadrilha junina" in youtube.