sexta-feira, 9 de junho de 2017

Nothing much

Wow it's already the middle of the year, I hate how fast time goes by. But it's not like I have any plans for what to do with my life, I think I've come to the realization that even if I could live a pretty good life if I worked on myself and worked hard to become a functioning person and transition but that's not the life I want to live. Not transitioning is not the life I want to live either, don't get me wrong. The life from my dreams is the only life I want to live, safe for shorter fantasy-themed daydreams.

The closest thing to a goal I have right now is that I'm planning to live until my late twenties and then killing myself. I'll probably have not achieved nothing by then but I have media I want to consume and things I want to keep up. Some are artists I want to see grow and be happy. It sounds silly but they give me so much hapiness, to know they're hardworking and earnest kids that had so many dreams and achieved some of them.

It makes me happy knowing not everyone has to be a miserable piece of shit like me. At the same time I have a hard time believing life doesn't turn to shit once you get older, and that even in my dream life I'd be severely depressed as I grew older. Maybe I'm a bit jaded because that's what I see on my personal life with the people around me, relatives, coworkers, etc.

Still I would have liked to have a happy youth, travel, meet people, fall in love. Even if in my ideal life I'd get depressed at least I'd have real memories to things that actually happened to look back to, and by being famous maybe I'd get to live through people's memories and imagination for a long time after my death.

I'm in near constant emotional pain but every now and then I have a moment where I realize there's no espacing my life, that the life I dream so much about will never happen, and it kills me.

segunda-feira, 24 de abril de 2017

My Attitude is Whatever

I barely left the house for the past few months, it's kinda what I always wanted but at the same time I start freaking out about my future, I heard people will take in consideration how long you went without a job when they hire you.

I'm stuck in a fantasy world in my head where I'm my ideal self, I have a cute boyfriend and we live happily. It's a new guy this time around, a singer instead of an actor. He's younger than me too, that's a first. I don't think I'll write the name this time since this is embarrassing and pathetic as fuck.

There are times that life seems so real, like real life is the dream and that one is the reality. I almost feel at peace about everything because I think how it doesn't matter how pathetic and worthless my life is now, because it's not my real life. But then I snap out of it and feel like shit.

I'm tired of life and being in pain all the time. I want to fall asleep and never wake up.


domingo, 26 de março de 2017

May sorrow break these chains

I have nothing to report, I just keep noticing that if I don't keep my mind occupied I feel like shit, I get a glimpse of awareness that there's no escaping this, that this is my lot in life, no dreaming or wishing will change it. Death and the idea of nothingness after it scares me but I'm not sure if I can keep going like this.

I wish I could have life-like daydreams where I'd be able to fully live my daydreams, I think that would help keeping the pain away, but the end result would be the same. Me keeping miserable and doing nothing to fix my problems because I don't believe it's even worth trying.

 I'm mourning the life I know I'll never had, all the memories I'll never get to make, the emotions and sensations I can only dream about and the people I'll never meet. Truly living a normal life sounds like a outlandish fantasy to me.

sexta-feira, 3 de fevereiro de 2017

A faraway place with the wind

I was just thinking of time passing, in the few pictures I have on my facebook there are a couple I took with my teachers in 2012 and it is so weird to think how in those pictures I was 16, soon to be 17, and now I'm 21. Ended up checking the facebook and instagram of this girl I met on a fanpage, she is a model, travels, has a boyfriend and seems to have a pretty nice life.

I've lost so many years, it kills me to know we're in 2017 already, I feel like I stopped in 2012/2013. I feel like a old loser. I'll graduate in a few weeks and I'm dreading it, I hate how I look, the last thing I want is to be in a social situation like that.

I don't want to lose more years, but I can't see myself in a better place, improving and learning to be happy. It doesn't matter if I transition or not, I'll be the same mediocre, miserable waste of space, never the person I wish I was. At this point I just want to be left alone to rot in my bedroom.

segunda-feira, 2 de janeiro de 2017

Happy New Year

I haven't posted in a while, so I figured I should do a update/rant. I managed to finish my project and I'm graduating in a couple of months. I don't feel happy about it, another four years of my life just passed by me and I'm still the same, no progress on transitioning, no friends made, etc. And I hate the fact that it's 2017 already, 2010 was 7 years ago, the years will just keep passing and soon I'll be old and much uglier than now.

I'm freaking out about what I'm going to do after graduating, I'm terrified of fully entering the adult world by starting a full time job and all. There's no way in hell I can be a self sufficient, functioning adult. And I know my lack of social life and drive will only keep getting more apparent as I grow older.

I don't even see the point of transitioning now. I'll look ugly as fuck and will never pass, there's no fixing my unpleasant and unlikable personality, I can never be happy again. I want my daydreams to become true, to be able to truly live all those moments I keep playing in my head where I look the way I want, I have friends, a boyfriend, a career, a happy and fulfilling life.

I'm tired of emotional pain, of emptiness, of freaking out about how meaningless life is, how the universe is everything but makes so sense. I want to live in a bubble where time doesn't exist.

domingo, 16 de outubro de 2016

My life

Got my last project before graduating, haven't even started even though I have less than a month to do it. I'm getting more and more caught up in my fantasy world instead of trying to do something. A few days ago I started to think something to myself, like how cool is that I got to visit this and that country, only to realize that's something from my dream world. It never happened in real life and it never will.

I'm not sure how long I can take knowing I'll never live that life, that everyday is going to be a disappointment, I'll never have the looks I want, the job, the life, anything. Knowing everyday I'll wake up miserable, ugly, fat, toothless, balding, with crocodile skin and no accomplishments. I'll just keep getting older and even fatter and ugglier.

I really wish I could just die already, my life is only getting worse, there's no fixing it and I don't want to stick around to find out what kind of pathetic looser I'll become.


terça-feira, 16 de agosto de 2016

Lost hope

I always say I'm clinging to one small hope of being able to have a happy life as myself in the future, but I'm pretty sure that hope is gone now. I can't see myself transitioning successfully, ever. I'll just stay as I am, living a mediocre life as a man while living in my head to try to make myself feel better. I can't even browse trans forums without getting angry at all the 13-17 year olds getting support from their parents and have a chance I'll never have.

Even if I transition I'll never have anyone's support. And even if my parents would support me now I'll never forgive them for the way they handled things since I came out. The way they ignored my pain and did the absolute least so they can say they tried and now it's all on me. This could have been a opportunity to bring us together and makes us a stronger family. Even if they were to tell me tomorrow that they support me and will help me out with everything I don't think I'll ever want a actual relationship with them beside being cordial with each other.

They always bragged with others on how much of a amazing kid I was, that I was smart, polite, never got into trouble. The one time I become "troubled"I get zero support and harsh words. Reading past entries I still can't believe some of the shit I've heard from them on their many hissy fits. I opened up to them and got nothing in return. They still act clueless and just complain about how emotionless I am or how I lack drive.

My brother didn't show much support, he's not transphobic but he had a immature reaction to me coming out, makes jokes from time to time that hurt my feelings and sometimes will jokingly try to get my mother angry at me, even though he's aware of all the problems we have. Sometimes when I'm talking he'll roll his eyes or just be plain rude for no reason.

At least I can say I was a happy kid until I was 14ish, and of course my mother loves to throw that in my face and wonder why I am the way I am today. My parents are difficult people to live with, you have to walk in eggshells everyday and hope you don't set them off, so I'd probably have a shitty relationship with them even if I was cis.

Sometimes I want to make a huge coming out facebook post just to get them angry, and so that if I kill myself people will know the reason.  I wonder what bullshit excuse they would use if that happened, and how much they would claim they tried their best to help me only for people to comfort them that they have no blame, etc.

I wish I was brave enough to at least attempt suicide with pill overdose. I'll get to be on the hospital for a while, in a shared room though. They would probably make it all about themselves, my father would finally get me in that past memories bullshit therapy he's dying to get me in. My mother would take any opportunity to use it to hurt me in arguments and my brother would joke about it. And then things would go back to how they are now.