segunda-feira, 24 de abril de 2017

My Attitude is Whatever

I barely left the house for the past few months, it's kinda what I always wanted but at the same time I start freaking out about my future, I heard people will take in consideration how long you went without a job when they hire you.

I'm stuck in a fantasy world in my head where I'm my ideal self, I have a cute boyfriend and we live happily. It's a new guy this time around, a singer instead of an actor. He's younger than me too, that's a first. I don't think I'll write the name this time since this is embarrassing and pathetic as fuck.

There are times that life seems so real, like real life is the dream and that one is the reality. I almost feel at peace about everything because I think how it doesn't matter how pathetic and worthless my life is now, because it's not my real life. But then I snap out of it and feel like shit.

I'm tired of life and being in pain all the time. I want to fall asleep and never wake up.


domingo, 26 de março de 2017

May sorrow break these chains

I have nothing to report, I just keep noticing that if I don't keep my mind occupied I feel like shit, I get a glimpse of awareness that there's no escaping this, that this is my lot in life, no dreaming or wishing will change it. Death and the idea of nothingness after it scares me but I'm not sure if I can keep going like this.

I wish I could have life-like daydreams where I'd be able to fully live my daydreams, I think that would help keeping the pain away, but the end result would be the same. Me keeping miserable and doing nothing to fix my problems because I don't believe it's even worth trying.

 I'm mourning the life I know I'll never had, all the memories I'll never get to make, the emotions and sensations I can only dream about and the people I'll never meet. Truly living a normal life sounds like a outlandish fantasy to me.

sexta-feira, 3 de fevereiro de 2017

A faraway place with the wind

I was just thinking of time passing, in the few pictures I have on my facebook there are a couple I took with my teachers in 2012 and it is so weird to think how in those pictures I was 16, soon to be 17, and now I'm 21. Ended up checking the facebook and instagram of this girl I met on a fanpage, she is a model, travels, has a boyfriend and seems to have a pretty nice life.

I've lost so many years, it kills me to know we're in 2017 already, I feel like I stopped in 2012/2013. I feel like a old loser. I'll graduate in a few weeks and I'm dreading it, I hate how I look, the last thing I want is to be in a social situation like that.

I don't want to lose more years, but I can't see myself in a better place, improving and learning to be happy. It doesn't matter if I transition or not, I'll be the same mediocre, miserable waste of space, never the person I wish I was. At this point I just want to be left alone to rot in my bedroom.

segunda-feira, 2 de janeiro de 2017

Happy New Year

I haven't posted in a while, so I figured I should do a update/rant. I managed to finish my project and I'm graduating in a couple of months. I don't feel happy about it, another four years of my life just passed by me and I'm still the same, no progress on transitioning, no friends made, etc. And I hate the fact that it's 2017 already, 2010 was 7 years ago, the years will just keep passing and soon I'll be old and much uglier than now.

I'm freaking out about what I'm going to do after graduating, I'm terrified of fully entering the adult world by starting a full time job and all. There's no way in hell I can be a self sufficient, functioning adult. And I know my lack of social life and drive will only keep getting more apparent as I grow older.

I don't even see the point of transitioning now. I'll look ugly as fuck and will never pass, there's no fixing my unpleasant and unlikable personality, I can never be happy again. I want my daydreams to become true, to be able to truly live all those moments I keep playing in my head where I look the way I want, I have friends, a boyfriend, a career, a happy and fulfilling life.

I'm tired of emotional pain, of emptiness, of freaking out about how meaningless life is, how the universe is everything but makes so sense. I want to live in a bubble where time doesn't exist.

domingo, 16 de outubro de 2016

My life

Got my last project before graduating, haven't even started even though I have less than a month to do it. I'm getting more and more caught up in my fantasy world instead of trying to do something. A few days ago I started to think something to myself, like how cool is that I got to visit this and that country, only to realize that's something from my dream world. It never happened in real life and it never will.

I'm not sure how long I can take knowing I'll never live that life, that everyday is going to be a disappointment, I'll never have the looks I want, the job, the life, anything. Knowing everyday I'll wake up miserable, ugly, fat, toothless, balding, with crocodile skin and no accomplishments. I'll just keep getting older and even fatter and ugglier.

I really wish I could just die already, my life is only getting worse, there's no fixing it and I don't want to stick around to find out what kind of pathetic looser I'll become.


terça-feira, 16 de agosto de 2016

Lost hope

I always say I'm clinging to one small hope of being able to have a happy life as myself in the future, but I'm pretty sure that hope is gone now. I can't see myself transitioning successfully, ever. I'll just stay as I am, living a mediocre life as a man while living in my head to try to make myself feel better. I can't even browse trans forums without getting angry at all the 13-17 year olds getting support from their parents and have a chance I'll never have.

Even if I transition I'll never have anyone's support. And even if my parents would support me now I'll never forgive them for the way they handled things since I came out. The way they ignored my pain and did the absolute least so they can say they tried and now it's all on me. This could have been a opportunity to bring us together and makes us a stronger family. Even if they were to tell me tomorrow that they support me and will help me out with everything I don't think I'll ever want a actual relationship with them beside being cordial with each other.

They always bragged with others on how much of a amazing kid I was, that I was smart, polite, never got into trouble. The one time I become "troubled"I get zero support and harsh words. Reading past entries I still can't believe some of the shit I've heard from them on their many hissy fits. I opened up to them and got nothing in return. They still act clueless and just complain about how emotionless I am or how I lack drive.

My brother didn't show much support, he's not transphobic but he had a immature reaction to me coming out, makes jokes from time to time that hurt my feelings and sometimes will jokingly try to get my mother angry at me, even though he's aware of all the problems we have. Sometimes when I'm talking he'll roll his eyes or just be plain rude for no reason.

At least I can say I was a happy kid until I was 14ish, and of course my mother loves to throw that in my face and wonder why I am the way I am today. My parents are difficult people to live with, you have to walk in eggshells everyday and hope you don't set them off, so I'd probably have a shitty relationship with them even if I was cis.

Sometimes I want to make a huge coming out facebook post just to get them angry, and so that if I kill myself people will know the reason.  I wonder what bullshit excuse they would use if that happened, and how much they would claim they tried their best to help me only for people to comfort them that they have no blame, etc.

I wish I was brave enough to at least attempt suicide with pill overdose. I'll get to be on the hospital for a while, in a shared room though. They would probably make it all about themselves, my father would finally get me in that past memories bullshit therapy he's dying to get me in. My mother would take any opportunity to use it to hurt me in arguments and my brother would joke about it. And then things would go back to how they are now.


terça-feira, 9 de agosto de 2016

Brand new exciting post

So I've been watching this on repeat for almost a hour or maybe more while listening to Madeleine Peyroux, Ella Fitzgerald, Joni Mitchell, etc and it's just a continuation of my last post with more of my usual pathetic complains. It just hit me I'll never have that, that first pure love, the perfect life I want, no matter how many time I waste daydreaming and wishing so hard for it to come true one day, it will never will. I wonder if I'll ever be able to let go of those fantasies, reality is ugly and I'm afraid I'll never embrace it.

The daydreams will never be enough, I can't fully create a life in my head, specially the one I want to live. They might hold me back and prevent me from doing anything, but what is worth in life without them? I don't want to transitions and end up ugly, depressed and not well adjusted. I don't want to hear people's nasty opinions about me, I don't want to have a mediocre life looking like trash.

I want to stop the pain, I can't stand being numb all day only to get a rush of anxiety at night. I want to break things, I want to cry for hours, yell as loud as I can for as long as I can, I want to say things I've been holding back, I want to explode and fly away.

I used to be happy, I had such a happy childhood, why do I have to be like this now? I wish I had a happy early adulthood at least. I want life to be exciting and happy, I don't want to have such a awful view of the world, I'm tired of feeling like this all the time. I'm tired of obsessing over things and people to fill my pathetic life with some meaning. I'm tired of having the body I have with all it's flaws.

How long will I be able to handle everything if the bad outweigh the good. I don't want to feel like this until I die, but I don't think I'm strong enough to fight, I always give up if things are too hard, I have no confidence in myself, I'm lazy. What's point of existing if this is how I'm supposed to feel.

I can't stop thinking about time passing, about how meaningless and claustrophobic the universe is and how after I die I'll return to nothing as if all of my life never even happened. Why can't I have a normal happy life where I never have those thoughts. I hate myself for sometimes thinking that maybe that's how everyone is supposed to feel and I can't stand it, it's such a smug stupid though. As if I needed more reasons to hate myself and be unlikable to people.

But I'm a idiot who will continue to live my life the same way until I die. I'll keep hiding in my head, living through my daydreams until I get murdered, run over by a car, have a heart attack, etc. Everybody sees me as fat sack of meat with no personality that's just a burden to people and I should be ashamed of myself. I feel like a parasite. I want to stop existing but I don't want to die. I don't add a thing to the world by being alive.

But don't worry that despite being suicidal I'll never kill myself, beside of being afraid of death, as I said, I'm lazy and quit when things start to get difficult, so that's never happening. I hate being somewhat a stereotype but sometimes I wish I'd just take a bunch a pills so I'd have to be taken to the hospital.

That probably would only give me more problems but at least it would be something new. Unlike this post which is a variation of all my recent posts complaining about the same things. I'm tired of being myself and having to deal with my bullshit everyday. At least it's raining now and I have no classes tomorrow (don't get me started on the whole "have no idea what to do for my last project/4 years went by so fast/didn't lived college life to the fullest/made no friends/don't want it to be over/etc/etc/etc) so I'll try to have a nice night of sleep.

If there's something I wish more than anything is that when you die you go to live in a lucid dream. You can live out all your fantasies, and take some "time" to rest in between.  At least all my suffering would have a pay off and I'd have something to look forward to that would make me happy again for the first time in years.