terça-feira, 16 de agosto de 2016

Lost hope

I always say I'm clinging to one small hope of being able to have a happy life as myself in the future, but I'm pretty sure that hope is gone now. I can't see myself transitioning successfully, ever. I'll just stay as I am, living a mediocre life as a man while living in my head to try to make myself feel better. I can't even browse trans forums without getting angry at all the 13-17 year olds getting support from their parents and have a chance I'll never have.

Even if I transition I'll never have anyone's support. And even if my parents would support me now I'll never forgive them for the way they handled things since I came out. The way they ignored my pain and did the absolute least so they can say they tried and now it's all on me. This could have been a opportunity to bring us together and makes us a stronger family. Even if they were to tell me tomorrow that they support me and will help me out with everything I don't think I'll ever want a actual relationship with them beside being cordial with each other.

They always bragged with others on how much of a amazing kid I was, that I was smart, polite, never got into trouble. The one time I become "troubled"I get zero support and harsh words. Reading past entries I still can't believe some of the shit I've heard from them on their many hissy fits. I opened up to them and got nothing in return. They still act clueless and just complain about how emotionless I am or how I lack drive.

My brother didn't show much support, he's not transphobic but he had a immature reaction to me coming out, makes jokes from time to time that hurt my feelings and sometimes will jokingly try to get my mother angry at me, even though he's aware of all the problems we have. Sometimes when I'm talking he'll roll his eyes or just be plain rude for no reason.

At least I can say I was a happy kid until I was 14ish, and of course my mother loves to throw that in my face and wonder why I am the way I am today. My parents are difficult people to live with, you have to walk in eggshells everyday and hope you don't set them off, so I'd probably have a shitty relationship with them even if I was cis.

Sometimes I want to make a huge coming out facebook post just to get them angry, and so that if I kill myself people will know the reason.  I wonder what bullshit excuse they would use if that happened, and how much they would claim they tried their best to help me only for people to comfort them that they have no blame, etc.

I wish I was brave enough to at least attempt suicide with pill overdose. I'll get to be on the hospital for a while, in a shared room though. They would probably make it all about themselves, my father would finally get me in that past memories bullshit therapy he's dying to get me in. My mother would take any opportunity to use it to hurt me in arguments and my brother would joke about it. And then things would go back to how they are now.

terça-feira, 9 de agosto de 2016

Brand new exciting post

So I've been watching this on repeat for almost a hour or maybe more while listening to Madeleine Peyroux, Ella Fitzgerald, Joni Mitchell, etc and it's just a continuation of my last post with more of my usual pathetic complains. It just hit me I'll never have that, that first pure love, the perfect life I want, no matter how many time I waste daydreaming and wishing so hard for it to come true one day, it will never will. I wonder if I'll ever be able to let go of those fantasies, reality is ugly and I'm afraid I'll never embrace it.

The daydreams will never be enough, I can't fully create a life in my head, specially the one I want to live. They might hold me back and prevent me from doing anything, but what is worth in life without them? I don't want to transitions and end up ugly, depressed and not well adjusted. I don't want to hear people's nasty opinions about me, I don't want to have a mediocre life looking like trash.

I want to stop the pain, I can't stand being numb all day only to get a rush of anxiety at night. I want to break things, I want to cry for hours, yell as loud as I can for as long as I can, I want to say things I've been holding back, I want to explode and fly away.

I used to be happy, I had such a happy childhood, why do I have to be like this now? I wish I had a happy early adulthood at least. I want life to be exciting and happy, I don't want to have such a awful view of the world, I'm tired of feeling like this all the time. I'm tired of obsessing over things and people to fill my pathetic life with some meaning. I'm tired of having the body I have with all it's flaws.

How long will I be able to handle everything if the bad outweigh the good. I don't want to feel like this until I die, but I don't think I'm strong enough to fight, I always give up if things are too hard, I have no confidence in myself, I'm lazy. What's point of existing if this is how I'm supposed to feel.

I can't stop thinking about time passing, about how meaningless and claustrophobic the universe is and how after I die I'll return to nothing as if all of my life never even happened. Why can't I have a normal happy life where I never have those thoughts. I hate myself for sometimes thinking that maybe that's how everyone is supposed to feel and I can't stand it, it's such a smug stupid though. As if I needed more reasons to hate myself and be unlikable to people.

But I'm a idiot who will continue to live my life the same way until I die. I'll keep hiding in my head, living through my daydreams until I get murdered, run over by a car, have a heart attack, etc. Everybody sees me as fat sack of meat with no personality that's just a burden to people and I should be ashamed of myself. I feel like a parasite. I want to stop existing but I don't want to die. I don't add a thing to the world by being alive.

But don't worry that despite being suicidal I'll never kill myself, beside of being afraid of death, as I said, I'm lazy and quit when things start to get difficult, so that's never happening. I hate being somewhat a stereotype but sometimes I wish I'd just take a bunch a pills so I'd have to be taken to the hospital.

That probably would only give me more problems but at least it would be something new. Unlike this post which is a variation of all my recent posts complaining about the same things. I'm tired of being myself and having to deal with my bullshit everyday. At least it's raining now and I have no classes tomorrow (don't get me started on the whole "have no idea what to do for my last project/4 years went by so fast/didn't lived college life to the fullest/made no friends/don't want it to be over/etc/etc/etc) so I'll try to have a nice night of sleep.

If there's something I wish more than anything is that when you die you go to live in a lucid dream. You can live out all your fantasies, and take some "time" to rest in between.  At least all my suffering would have a pay off and I'd have something to look forward to that would make me happy again for the first time in years.

domingo, 7 de agosto de 2016


I've said this before here but I don't really think I'll ever live a romance. Either because I'll never love someone and surely because no one will ever love me in a romantic way. I like to listen to music with romantic lyrics to create this scenarios where I'm a girl and those lyrics are for my loved one.

I think it was two years ago I posted about daydreaming about being on a weekend trip to a small coastal town with a young Timothy Hutton after listening to We've Only Just Begun. I'm over him now, and with a new guy in mind so again I'm making up these scenarios again. (it's a got actor good sis look it up). There's a tiny age difference me and meeting him in my main fantasy life would make sense. It would take luck but it would not be impossible. I don't know if he's just aging weirdly or just needs to loose a little weight to get back to his 2013-2014ish look.

It's kinda greedy for me to want this life, I'd not only be my true self but the best version of it, a exciting career just starting, traveling all over the world, having my first romance. I'd have CAIS but compared to my current situation that would be heaven.

The whole idea of the first romance is so exciting for me. The first time holding hands, first date, first kiss, first time meeting his parents, etc. It's intense but so pure at the same time, even if it start to become a sexual relationship it just seems like to people having a lot of first time experiences together and taking every opportunity to express their love for each other. Actually having such a strong feeling for someone and to have them feel the same, it sounds so nice.

Funny thing I can't really picture a fantasy life in the long run with them, I think the blue eyes, skinny guy with somewhat delicate but sharp features thing only works for me if it's the actual first love or one of the first ones. And I feel like a idiot for posting this, but if I don't I'll keep going this through in my head until I come up with the best way to write it down.

It could make for a good post but I'd rather have a good night of sleep. Didn't went to my classes last week, but I only have 3 days now, since it's the last semester with the big project. I still have no idea what to do, still sad that's it's all going to be over soon and my life has not changed a bit. Maybe with time I'll just get used to being miserable all the time and find peace in some way. I'm tired of feeling like this and looking like this.

segunda-feira, 1 de agosto de 2016


Classes start very soon. We're in August already, the year just passed by so quickly, it still feels like December was just a couple of months ago, the beginning of the year. I really hate feeling all this anxiety about college and time passing on top of the usual dysphoria and depression.

And the whole feeling of not making the most of college, realizing three years (and soon four) passed so quickly, that even though I barely spoke to people I'll miss some of them. Knowing I'll never get those years back as the person I wish I was. I'm still young but how long will I be able to have the "whole life ahead" excuse? My lack of social life will only get worst as I age, god knows what kind of shit place I'll end up working. As I get older I understand the appeal of high school though.

Every student is in "equal ground". You are all students at the same school, all studying the same subjects with mostly similar routine. Your personality, likes, dislikes and quirks are what define you.
You can have all sort of future plans and not have to worry too much because you're still super young. Being successful means having good grades or doing well at a after-school activity like a sport or something. You're enjoying life and figuring things out, you don't have to worry about long-term careers, lack of life experiences, etc.

I'm 20 and I've never traveled outside of the southern part of my country, how long until I get there? I know I'll never see a lot of cool places all over the world in person, I'll miss out on a lot of things. But at 14 that was normal, and it get's sadder each passing year.

Really wish I did had happy high school years, it was when all went to shit in my life, and I'm probably going to miss out my 20s too. I know I have some outlandish fantasy lives in my daydreams but sometimes a simple, content life would be enough. I don't want to be in pain everyday for the rest of my life. I don't want to take 30 years to get some progress.

I feel so betrayed by my family, to have opened up to them about being trans and wanting help for them to make a shitty attempt just to clear their consciousness and sweep it under the rug so they get to give me shit day after day about being lazy, unmotivated, sad all the time, etc. I feel like I'm latching into the idea that you get to live out your dreams once you die.