sexta-feira, 4 de março de 2016


I was just thinking about this now, so I want to write it down right away so I won't have this stuck in my head for the weekend. After paying attention to some people at college and taking a look at this reporter/book writer's instagram page. He's in his mid thirties and it got me thinking that his life now is sort of how I see some of my colleagues in the future. By then they will have traveled to so many places, worked on really great projects in amazing agencies, have fun with long-time friends, etc.

I wish I had that sort of lifestyle. Laid back, working with something creative like design, having friends from different groups for different activities and hobbies, traveling to new places, having all kinds of new life experiences.

Those people enjoy life, they get to do interesting things, meet interesting people, make memories, etc. I don't think I'll ever have that kind of life. I'll always be that person that speaks very little with everyone else at works (working somewhere shitty too), goes straight back home and never does anything fun. And by the time I'm in my mid thirties I will probably have achieved nothing, no friends, no travels, no life experiences.

It makes me sad I'll never have a youth to remember and will be even more depressed and jaded by the time I'm over 20. I'll envy that kind of people so much more because they will still be getting enjoyment out of life while I'll feel old and disgusting and regretful I didn't had a blast at college and it's been 15 years and I haven't evolved one bit.

Being young is the only thing I got going for me, I don't how I'll handle loosing that.

quarta-feira, 2 de março de 2016


College is back and my anxiety is getting hard to handle. I'll be in class and start thinking how my college experience is ending, missing the last few years and wishing I could have been able to live all that as myself. I get anxious about how busy this year is going to be too.

I know I can come back after transitioning but will not be the same thing, I've said this one hundred times but even if I don't ever speak with most people in my class I'm used to have them as classmates, hearing their drama and everything. I hate the feeling that's all over and that I'll regret not enjoying myself for the rest of my life.

Had something shitty happen where I intern, I was pretty much yelling and cursing in my head for nearly 2 hours straight by how angry that made me feel. I had one good thing happen a few days before so it feels things are just balancing out to be shitty again.

It's bizarre to think three years passed by so quickly, I try to remember which class I had in which semester and I keep mixing things up. Now changing subjects I just wish we could live in a extremely convincing lucid dream after dying, I could live out all the fantasies I have, the mundane, the impossible and the fantastical ones.

I'm tired of feeling negative emotions most of the time, to be so uncomfortable and miserable. I don't want to feel all this pain.