I want to start this post with a apology to some of the people who's comments I never replied or replied wrong so you probably never got a notification. I didn't meant to be rude or ignore you guys, and I'm sorry that every time you come to my blog it's always the same bulshit.
I wish I had a social life. I'm a bit of a homebody but I can picture myself having fun going out with friends, even on clubs in few times. I always like to imagine what would be like to live in the United States or England or whatever but there's so much to do in my city.
I keep trying to imagine what is like to be a normal person that has friends and goes out and it's all so bizarre to me. Having multiple groups of friends, going to the museum or any new event, being known to people, travelling, etc. It all sounds exciting but so alien to me.
I have this short images on my mind of people having fun and being social and it makes me feel so shitty. It's like a nostalgia for something I haven't experienced, I try to build on those images to daydream but I have no life experience to back it up, so I just try to avoid those thoughts but it makes me so frustrated.
I wish I didn't had to worry about transitioning or anything related to being trans because that only makes it all so much complicated. I want to do all those things as myself, not as I am right now. I have zero social life experience as a teenager or adult and I'm 20 years old. I'll never have that life long tight group of friends when I'm older to meet and chat about new things and the good memories. I won't have candid pictures of me looking silly with my friends at a party or anything like that.
It feels so unfair to me, I wasn't like this from the start, I was a normal kid and now I'm completely destroyed by depression, anxiety and dysphoria. I was never a social butterfly but I could talk to people, make friends and enjoy life.
And things will only keep getting worst as I grow older. Before I was growing but no really getting "older", like I was going from 17 to 18. But now I'll go to 22, 23, 24, 28 , 34, etc. And the older I get the clearer it will be how fucked up I am.