tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75093523566425096842024-03-13T16:30:10.981-03:00Trans in distressA Blog about my transition as a Mtf transexualSiulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.comBlogger131125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-12551617678258633502019-11-11T19:19:00.001-03:002019-11-11T19:20:31.365-03:00I Miss 2012<div style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: white;">I was 16, it was the last year of high school. My school had two different buildings in different parts of the city, the first had from kindergarten to the second year of high school while the other one was high school only so if you wanted to keep studying there you had to go to the other building during your last year. At first I hated it, I liked the other building and got used to it and the teachers, which save for one were all different in the other building. The neighborhood was pretty nice too so it was sad to go after two years studying there. I remember one afternoon in particular where the chemistry teacher had extra classes for those struggling with it, very few people showed up, then my mother came to pick me up and we went to a supermarket next to the school, it was a very pleasant afternoon.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: white;">The classes in the other building had a cram school style, so classrooms were larger and had no windows and we didn't have homework anymore. It felt like a prison for me initially, but I ended up getting used to it. Plus it was in a really nice street in the downtown area, which felt really cool and grown up.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: white;">I'm ashamed to say but I didn't study as hard as I should for the end year tests to get into university, so I had a lot of free time. I think I got into tumblr around this time, watched a few Ghibli films for the first time, got a 3DS, got into The Sound of Music, still had plans for what to post on my Deviantart page, etc.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: white;">I didn't had any friends other than my brother and this weird guy I ended up befriended in the first year who turned out to be a pain in the ass. But overall it was ok, I was a shy geeky teenager through and through and it felt nice. I was still depressed and anxious, but I had hope for the future.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-bottom: 0.357143em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: white;">I think it was the year where I finally grew into myself as a person, in the sense that I don't feel very different from who I was back then, save for the hope for the future. The next year I started college, which I also miss despite the fact it was the lowest point of my mental health by the end of it. I just miss going to classes, seeing the same faces everyday, going to lectures and events and being younger.</span></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.42857em; margin-top: 0.357143em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="color: white;">But as much as I look back with rose tinted glasses I know I completely wasted those years due to depression, I didn't live them up as I should have, so my teen years went to the trash and so will my early twenties once I turn 24 next month. I know my live won't ever be the way I want it so this feeling will only keep getting worst as I get older.</span></div>
Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-24746252178980601202019-06-20T20:48:00.002-03:002019-06-20T20:48:34.570-03:00I Still LiveIt's that time of the year where I start missing my teenage years, nevermind the fact that was the moment my life went to shit, the beginning of the end. And it makes me remember this blog, I haven't updated in a while so I figure I'd make a quick post.<br />
<br />
I do have some life updates, I've started therapy again last year, my parents forced me but I enjoy it, the therapist is kind and friendly unlike the one from the past, and it's been good having her to talk about my issues. It took me some sessions to open up about my identity, I've been mostly working on other things. I've started dental treatment from scratch at the end of last year, I'm very hopeful that this time it will finally work. I started seeing a psychiatrist last month, I saw her briefly and she prescribed me some medicine for depression and anxiety, it's been both good and bad, I'm supposed to see her again soon.<br />
<br />
I've lost a lot of weight too which is nice, I'm still not at my target weight but I'm doing great progress towards it. In bad news I'm still severely depressed and unsure about if I'm ever going to transition, lately I've been considering just getting rid of my facial & body hair, taking hormones to become slightly more feminine while presenting as male in public. I'm still addicted to daydreaming, and I keep perfecting my dream life to a point where I'm really pleased with it, my dream self even have a boyfriend now! And my fear of aging keeps getting worse, it becomes more and more evident that I won't be young forever and that scares me.<br />
<br />
This is definitely more positive than the past few posts, and overall I do feel a tiny bit better, but I'm a work in progress.Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-36071764926597364702018-05-12T01:36:00.001-03:002018-05-12T01:36:47.349-03:00I liveHaven't posted since July 2017, that's a new record for me. Things haven't really changed, if I were to put any effort in this post it would be just a repetition of the last few ones. I know because I just re-read my blog from the start, I haven't updated in ages and have been feeling nostalgic about my shitty teenage years so that happened.<br />
<br />
My heart breaks for the girl I used to be, that naive girl with shitty english and writing that still had hope for the future and really thought her life was going to get better, her family would accept her, she'd get hot and live the life she wanted to live. I'm a thing. It's so depressing to see that girl lose hope post after post until she becomes what I am today. Not a girl anymore, not even a person really. A thing that happens to look like a person. I'm so sorry that our worst nightmare and all of our predictions for the future came true.<br />
<br />
My plan of doing nothing with my life until I kill myself at my late 20s still stands, only I feel like I'll have to make it clear to my parents so they'll stop pestering about me getting a life. They'll probably never understand how they caused all of this, they thought I'd be a lost cause if I transitioned but look at me now.<br />
<br />
<br />Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-12769040893323303092017-06-09T02:28:00.000-03:002017-06-09T02:28:16.426-03:00Nothing muchWow it's already the middle of the year, I hate how fast time goes by. But it's not like I have any plans for what to do with my life, I think I've come to the realization that even if I could live a pretty good life if I worked on myself and worked hard to become a functioning person and transition but that's not the life I want to live. Not transitioning is not the life I want to live either, don't get me wrong. The life from my dreams is the only life I want to live, safe for shorter fantasy-themed daydreams.<br />
<br />
The closest thing to a goal I have right now is that I'm planning to live until my late twenties and then killing myself. I'll probably have not achieved nothing by then but I have media I want to consume and things I want to keep up. Some are artists I want to see grow and be happy. It sounds silly but they give me so much hapiness, to know they're hardworking and earnest kids that had so many dreams and achieved some of them.<br />
<br />
It makes me happy knowing not everyone has to be a miserable piece of shit like me. At the same time I have a hard time believing life doesn't turn to shit once you get older, and that even in my dream life I'd be severely depressed as I grew older. Maybe I'm a bit jaded because that's what I see on my personal life with the people around me, relatives, coworkers, etc.<br />
<br />
Still I would have liked to have a happy youth, travel, meet people, fall in love. Even if in my ideal life I'd get depressed at least I'd have real memories to things that actually happened to look back to, and by being famous maybe I'd get to live through people's memories and imagination for a long time after my death.<br />
<br />
I'm in near constant emotional pain but every now and then I have a moment where I realize there's no espacing my life, that the life I dream so much about will never happen, and it kills me.<br />
<br />
Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-35135540078310773962017-04-24T23:09:00.001-03:002017-04-24T23:09:46.357-03:00My Attitude is Whatever I barely left the house for the past few months, it's kinda what I always wanted but at the same time I start freaking out about my future, I heard people will take in consideration how long you went without a job when they hire you.<br />
<br />
I'm stuck in a fantasy world in my head where I'm my ideal self, I have a cute boyfriend and we live happily. It's a new guy this time around, a singer instead of an actor. He's younger than me too, that's a first. I don't think I'll write the name this time since this is embarrassing and pathetic as fuck.<br />
<br />
There are times that life seems so real, like real life is the dream and that one is the reality. I almost feel at peace about everything because I think how it doesn't matter how pathetic and worthless my life is now, because it's not my real life. But then I snap out of it and feel like shit.<br />
<br />
I'm tired of life and being in pain all the time. I want to fall asleep and never wake up.<br />
<br />
<br />Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-40955143866630595542017-03-26T00:53:00.001-03:002017-03-26T00:53:46.237-03:00May sorrow break these chainsI have nothing to report, I just keep noticing that if I don't keep my mind occupied I feel like shit, I get a glimpse of awareness that there's no escaping this, that this is my lot in life, no dreaming or wishing will change it. Death and the idea of nothingness after it scares me but I'm not sure if I can keep going like this.<br />
<br />
I wish I could have life-like daydreams where I'd be able to fully live my daydreams, I think that would help keeping the pain away, but the end result would be the same. Me keeping miserable and doing nothing to fix my problems because I don't believe it's even worth trying.<br />
<br />
I'm mourning the life I know I'll never had, all the memories I'll never get to make, the emotions and sensations I can only dream about and the people I'll never meet. Truly living a normal life sounds like a outlandish fantasy to me. Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-77933130758063971852017-02-03T01:59:00.001-02:002017-02-03T01:59:52.571-02:00A faraway place with the wind I was just thinking of time passing, in the few pictures I have on my facebook there are a couple I took with my teachers in 2012 and it is so weird to think how in those pictures I was 16, soon to be 17, and now I'm 21. Ended up checking the facebook and instagram of this girl I met on a fanpage, she is a model, travels, has a boyfriend and seems to have a pretty nice life.<br />
<br />
I've lost so many years, it kills me to know we're in 2017 already, I feel like I stopped in 2012/2013. I feel like a old loser. I'll graduate in a few weeks and I'm dreading it, I hate how I look, the last thing I want is to be in a social situation like that.<br />
<br />
I don't want to lose more years, but I can't see myself in a better place, improving and learning to be happy. It doesn't matter if I transition or not, I'll be the same mediocre, miserable waste of space, never the person I wish I was. At this point I just want to be left alone to rot in my bedroom.Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-61898930524926642082017-01-02T00:53:00.000-02:002017-01-02T00:53:03.455-02:00Happy New YearI haven't posted in a while, so I figured I should do a update/rant. I managed to finish my project and I'm graduating in a couple of months. I don't feel happy about it, another four years of my life just passed by me and I'm still the same, no progress on transitioning, no friends made, etc. And I hate the fact that it's 2017 already, 2010 was 7 years ago, the years will just keep passing and soon I'll be old and much uglier than now.<br />
<br />
I'm freaking out about what I'm going to do after graduating, I'm terrified of fully entering the adult world by starting a full time job and all. There's no way in hell I can be a self sufficient, functioning adult. And I know my lack of social life and drive will only keep getting more apparent as I grow older.<br />
<br />
I don't even see the point of transitioning now. I'll look ugly as fuck and will never pass, there's no fixing my unpleasant and unlikable personality, I can never be happy again. I want my daydreams to become true, to be able to truly live all those moments I keep playing in my head where I look the way I want, I have friends, a boyfriend, a career, a happy and fulfilling life.<br />
<br />
I'm tired of emotional pain, of emptiness, of freaking out about how meaningless life is, how the universe is everything but makes so sense. I want to live in a bubble where time doesn't exist.Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-82700839412976967772016-10-16T15:58:00.000-02:002016-10-16T15:58:36.643-02:00My lifeGot my last project before graduating, haven't even started even though I have less than a month to do it. I'm getting more and more caught up in my fantasy world instead of trying to do something. A few days ago I started to think something to myself, like how cool is that I got to visit this and that country, only to realize that's something from my dream world. It never happened in real life and it never will.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure how long I can take knowing I'll never live that life, that everyday is going to be a disappointment, I'll never have the looks I want, the job, the life, anything. Knowing everyday I'll wake up miserable, ugly, fat, toothless, balding, with crocodile skin and no accomplishments. I'll just keep getting older and even fatter and ugglier.<br />
<br />
I really wish I could just die already, my life is only getting worse, there's no fixing it and I don't want to stick around to find out what kind of pathetic looser I'll become.<br />
<br />
<br />Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-27517346133633046442016-08-16T22:32:00.001-03:002016-08-16T22:40:45.034-03:00Lost hopeI always say I'm clinging to one small hope of being able to have a happy life as myself in the future, but I'm pretty sure that hope is gone now. I can't see myself transitioning successfully, ever. I'll just stay as I am, living a mediocre life as a man while living in my head to try to make myself feel better. I can't even browse trans forums without getting angry at all the 13-17 year olds getting support from their parents and have a chance I'll never have.<br />
<br />
Even if I transition I'll never have anyone's support. And even if my parents would support me now I'll never forgive them for the way they handled things since I came out. The way they ignored my pain and did the absolute least so they can say they tried and now it's all on me. This could have been a opportunity to bring us together and makes us a stronger family. Even if they were to tell me tomorrow that they support me and will help me out with everything I don't think I'll ever want a actual relationship with them beside being cordial with each other.<br />
<br />
They always bragged with others on how much of a amazing kid I was, that I was smart, polite, never got into trouble. The one time I become "troubled"I get zero support and harsh words. Reading past entries I still can't believe some of the shit I've heard from them on their many hissy fits. I opened up to them and got nothing in return. They still act clueless and just complain about how emotionless I am or how I lack drive.<br />
<br />
My brother didn't show much support, he's not transphobic but he had a immature reaction to me coming out, makes jokes from time to time that hurt my feelings and sometimes will jokingly try to get my mother angry at me, even though he's aware of all the problems we have. Sometimes when I'm talking he'll roll his eyes or just be plain rude for no reason.<br />
<br />
At least I can say I was a happy kid until I was 14ish, and of course my mother loves to throw that in my face and wonder why I am the way I am today. My parents are difficult people to live with, you have to walk in eggshells everyday and hope you don't set them off, so I'd probably have a shitty relationship with them even if I was cis.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I want to make a huge coming out facebook post just to get them angry, and so that if I kill myself people will know the reason. I wonder what bullshit excuse they would use if that happened, and how much they would claim they tried their best to help me only for people to comfort them that they have no blame, etc.<br />
<br />
I wish I was brave enough to at least attempt suicide with pill overdose. I'll get to be on the hospital for a while, in a shared room though. They would probably make it all about themselves, my father would finally get me in that past memories bullshit therapy he's dying to get me in. My mother would take any opportunity to use it to hurt me in arguments and my brother would joke about it. And then things would go back to how they are now.<br />
<br />
<br />Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-41895747090876213142016-08-09T01:29:00.001-03:002016-08-09T01:38:02.781-03:00Brand new exciting post So I've been watching <a href="http://www.infinitelooper.com/?v=tysCtsJ_daE&p=n#/7;18" target="_blank">this</a> on repeat for almost a hour or maybe more while listening to Madeleine Peyroux, Ella Fitzgerald, Joni Mitchell, etc and it's just a continuation of my last post with more of my usual pathetic complains. It just hit me I'll never have that, that first pure love, the perfect life I want, no matter how many time I waste daydreaming and wishing so hard for it to come true one day, it will never will. I wonder if I'll ever be able to let go of those fantasies, reality is ugly and I'm afraid I'll never embrace it.<br />
<br />
The daydreams will never be enough, I can't fully create a life in my head, specially the one I want to live. They might hold me back and prevent me from doing anything, but what is worth in life without them? I don't want to transitions and end up ugly, depressed and not well adjusted. I don't want to hear people's nasty opinions about me, I don't want to have a mediocre life looking like trash.<br />
<br />
I want to stop the pain, I can't stand being numb all day only to get a rush of anxiety at night. I want to break things, I want to cry for hours, yell as loud as I can for as long as I can, I want to say things I've been holding back, I want to explode and fly away.<br />
<br />
I used to be happy, I had such a happy childhood, why do I have to be like this now? I wish I had a happy early adulthood at least. I want life to be exciting and happy, I don't want to have such a awful view of the world, I'm tired of feeling like this all the time. I'm tired of obsessing over things and people to fill my pathetic life with some meaning. I'm tired of having the body I have with all it's flaws. <br />
<br />
How long will I be able to handle everything if the bad outweigh the good. I don't want to feel like this until I die, but I don't think I'm strong enough to fight, I always give up if things are too hard, I have no confidence in myself, I'm lazy. What's point of existing if this is how I'm supposed to feel.<br />
<br />
I can't stop thinking about time passing, about how meaningless and claustrophobic the universe is and how after I die I'll return to nothing as if all of my life never even happened. Why can't I have a normal happy life where I never have those thoughts. I hate myself for sometimes thinking that maybe that's how everyone is supposed to feel and I can't stand it, it's such a smug stupid though. As if I needed more reasons to hate myself and be unlikable to people.<br />
<br />
But I'm a idiot who will continue to live my life the same way until I die. I'll keep hiding in my head, living through my daydreams until I get murdered, run over by a car, have a heart attack, etc. Everybody sees me as fat sack of meat with no personality that's just a burden to people and I should be ashamed of myself. I feel like a parasite. I want to stop existing but I don't want to die. I don't add a thing to the world by being alive.<br />
<br />
But don't worry that despite being suicidal I'll never kill myself, beside of being afraid of death, as I said, I'm lazy and quit when things start to get difficult, so that's never happening. I hate being somewhat a stereotype but sometimes I wish I'd just take a bunch a pills so I'd have to be taken to the hospital.<br />
<br />
That probably would only give me more problems but at least it would be something new. Unlike this post which is a variation of all my recent posts complaining about the same things. I'm tired of being myself and having to deal with my bullshit everyday. At least it's raining now and I have no classes tomorrow <span style="font-size: xx-small;">(don't get me started on the whole "have no idea what to do for my last project/4 years went by so fast/didn't lived college life to the fullest/made no friends/don't want it to be over/etc/etc/etc)</span> so I'll try to have a nice night of sleep.<br />
<br />
If there's something I wish more than anything is that when you die you go to live in a lucid dream. You can live out all your fantasies, and take some "time" to rest in between. At least all my suffering would have a pay off and I'd have something to look forward to that would make me happy again for the first time in years.<br />
<br />Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-88663159017434437412016-08-07T02:59:00.003-03:002017-04-24T23:04:41.198-03:00RomanceI've said this before here but I don't really think I'll ever live a romance. Either because I'll never love someone and surely because no one will ever love me in a romantic way. I like to listen to music with romantic lyrics to create this scenarios where I'm a girl and those lyrics are for my loved one.<br />
<br />
I think it was two years ago I posted about daydreaming about being on a weekend trip to a small coastal town with a young Timothy Hutton after listening to We've Only Just Begun. I'm over him now, and with a new guy in mind so again I'm making up these scenarios again. (it's a got actor good sis look it up). There's a tiny age difference me and meeting him in my main fantasy life would make sense. It would take luck but it would not be impossible. I don't know if he's just aging weirdly or just needs to loose a little weight to get back to his 2013-2014ish look.<br />
<br />
It's kinda greedy for me to want this life, I'd not only be my true self but the best version of it, a exciting career just starting, traveling all over the world, having my first romance. I'd have CAIS but compared to my current situation that would be heaven.<br />
<br />
The whole idea of the first romance is so exciting for me. The first time holding hands, first date, first kiss, first time meeting his parents, etc. It's intense but so pure at the same time, even if it start to become a sexual relationship it just seems like to people having a lot of first time experiences together and taking every opportunity to express their love for each other. Actually having such a strong feeling for someone and to have them feel the same, it sounds so nice.<br />
<br />
Funny thing I can't really picture a fantasy life in the long run with them, I think the blue eyes, skinny guy with somewhat delicate but sharp features thing only works for me if it's the actual first love or one of the first ones. And I feel like a idiot for posting this, but if I don't I'll keep going this through in my head until I come up with the best way to write it down.<br />
<br />
It could make for a good post but I'd rather have a good night of sleep. Didn't went to my classes last week, but I only have 3 days now, since it's the last semester with the big project. I still have no idea what to do, still sad that's it's all going to be over soon and my life has not changed a bit. Maybe with time I'll just get used to being miserable all the time and find peace in some way. I'm tired of feeling like this and looking like this.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-75102537228880286432016-08-01T01:37:00.000-03:002016-08-01T01:37:01.383-03:00💤💤💤Classes start very soon. We're in August already, the year just passed by so quickly, it still feels like December was just a couple of months ago, the beginning of the year. I really hate feeling all this anxiety about college and time passing on top of the usual dysphoria and depression.<br />
<br />
And the whole feeling of not making the most of college, realizing three years (and soon four) passed so quickly, that even though I barely spoke to people I'll miss some of them. Knowing I'll never get those years back as the person I wish I was. I'm still young but how long will I be able to have the "whole life ahead" excuse? My lack of social life will only get worst as I age, god knows what kind of shit place I'll end up working. As I get older I understand the appeal of high school though.<br />
<br />
Every student is in "equal ground". You are all students at the same school, all studying the same subjects with mostly similar routine. Your personality, likes, dislikes and quirks are what define you.<br />
You can have all sort of future plans and not have to worry too much because you're still super young. Being successful means having good grades or doing well at a after-school activity like a sport or something. You're enjoying life and figuring things out, you don't have to worry about long-term careers, lack of life experiences, etc.<br />
<br />
I'm 20 and I've never traveled outside of the southern part of my country, how long until I get there? I know I'll never see a lot of cool places all over the world in person, I'll miss out on a lot of things. But at 14 that was normal, and it get's sadder each passing year.<br />
<br />
Really wish I did had happy high school years, it was when all went to shit in my life, and I'm probably going to miss out my 20s too. I know I have some outlandish fantasy lives in my daydreams but sometimes a simple, content life would be enough. I don't want to be in pain everyday for the rest of my life. I don't want to take 30 years to get some progress.<br />
<br />
I feel so betrayed by my family, to have opened up to them about being trans and wanting help for them to make a shitty attempt just to clear their consciousness and sweep it under the rug so they get to give me shit day after day about being lazy, unmotivated, sad all the time, etc. I feel like I'm latching into the idea that you get to live out your dreams once you die.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-35383223119366555592016-07-16T13:37:00.001-03:002016-07-16T13:38:13.171-03:00Life worth living There's this guy I "follow" on instagram that has such a perfect life. He lives in a big, global city, has a interesting job, busy social life, travels a lot, got lots of friends and seems to get along very well with his family. And take some pretty good pictures too. He's like the poster child for the perfect 30 something high middle class american guy, specially when he posts pictures of him growing up with his family. like something legit out of a sitcom. <br />
<br />
It's not a bad envy, I don't hold anything against him, it just makes me wish I had that too. An interesting life that I could look back to when I'm older and feel proud and happy I got to experience those moments. I really doubt I'll ever get there, I'm almost settling for mediocre at best. I'm starting to become more obssessed with age, I'm always counting how long until I'm 30.<br />
<br />
I needed to write this down to see if I'll stop thinking about it. I got third place at this competition at college, other than that nothing new to report.Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-66103537129157294632016-04-30T21:35:00.001-03:002016-04-30T21:35:20.704-03:00Time PassingIt started to weird me out that I'm 20 already, turning 21 at the end of the year. It's weird thinking people in their early twenties are my age now, not 5 years older. It's weird not being 15 or 17 anymore, back then in 10 years I'd be 25, now I'll be 30. I'm five years older than a 15 year old now, it's weird. I feel like the whole "having your life ahead of you" thing doesn't apply anymore, like any problems I had before were okay because I was only a teen, now I'm 20, 21, 22, 23, etc and I feel like I have to handle everything.Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-55040015416836268552016-04-23T00:27:00.001-03:002016-04-23T00:34:20.988-03:00🌟 Happy Places 🌟I had a "happy place" in my mind ever since I was little. Even though I was a happy child whenever I went to take a shower I would imagine this place, filled with mist and water stream sounds, dome shaped, the size of a small-medium bedroom. One half would be a lake with hot water and only very smooth and clean pebbles on the ground. The other half with be grassy with a tree at the right side and the left side would be covered in bamboo. A few animals like birds, squirrels and a panda would live on that side while I'd relax on the water all the time. To any outsider it would look like a large stone, and it could exist even in space or in case of the universe ending.<br />
<br />
I always wanted to be able to go there to run away from my problems, not have to worry about anything, just enjoy the warm water and relaxing sounds to sleep, wake up sleepy only to go back to sleep over and over again.<br />
<br />
Because of this I love the american version of Dark Water, I love the gloomy atmosphere, the always rainy cloudy sky, dry trees, dreary and gritty hallways and rooms that have a charm of their own. I can imagine myself and a woman as beautiful as Jennifer Connelly living in a place like that, working in a boring office job only to come to my boring-cozy apartment to go online while looking at the window. Something about cold, dreary, monotonous, boring places like that attract me.<br />
<br />
I'd love to just wake up the next day as a brand new person, a woman of course, and try to adapt to this new life, and this woman being a somewhat lonely person that live in a place like I mentioned sounds exciting. I think the loneliness of the whole thing is what attracted me, that I could live in a place like that all by myself, going trough a easy no-brainer routine and life would go on and I would barely pay attention to time passing. I already life inside my own head so I might as well do it in a more carefree life where I like how I look.<br />
<br />
Of course I want a functional happy life in a exciting place ideally but a lot of times all I want is that depressive scenario to be able to relax and be myself. It would be better for me to have that as a life goal since that would be the most positive outcome of my life that way things are going.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I wonder if people come across my blog by accident, read some of my stuff and feel down, like they get to take a look at my life at 14-15 when I still had hope and now is one depressed post after the other. Is it something they'll talk about in a AskReddit thread or in a Saturday night chat with their friends? I like to see how so many places in the world have checked my blog, it's the closest I'll ever get of my fantasy of being a moderately famous international actress. If I was pretty I'd definitely vlog about my non-transition. If only I didn't got fucked up by puberty, I'd have a slim build and a actual neck, but now I'm stocky and neckless and hairy with falling hair, super dry scaly skin and 10 shitty teeth.<br />
<br />
I know It has nothing to do with the post but it just came up in my head, I ruined a semi-interesting post but I'm not feeling like waiting until tomorrow to post just a paragraph. But writing things out always makes me feel better. That's all for now.<br />
<br />
<br />Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-74350761372522981112016-04-08T21:10:00.002-03:002016-04-08T21:10:41.564-03:00Small happeningsA few weeks ago I had an assignment where I had to draw something using a object as a part of the drawing, so I got a round-ish rock and drew a sea turtle's head and limbs around it so it looked like it's shell. The teacher chose it among other three for all students to pick and make a creative two page ad with one of the drawings. A group used it for a transgender awareness ad, which was very sweet since and a bit funny since they have no idea I was the one who did it(teacher didn't told who drew the ones she picked) and that I'm trans, though they have little idea of who I am anyways since it's my first class with them.<br />
<br />
Last night I went to bed after watching Rhapsody in August at around 23:40 and woke up suddenly at midnight. I never woke up this scared in my life, last time was when I was around 5 and had a nightmare a snake bit my neck. I remember very little on how I ended up sleeping, though I could remember a dream where I found a note saying something along the lines of "I left the house you're alone you should leave now".<br />
<br />
I left the tv on discovery id so it was showing some crime show, and I'm still not sure if it was just me hallucinating from waking up so suddenly but this guy on the talking head part of the show had fully white eyes. I had no idea what was going on for a few minutes, I just looked at the tv and around me absolutely terrified, I never felt so scared before, I kept asking my brother what was going on because I had no idea what was going on.<br />
<br />
A few minutes latter I figured out I slept and just woke up scared for some reason but I still went back to sleep scared something was going to happen, like a maniac in a costume would appear and kill everyone.<br />
<br />
I should update my dream journal again, but I'm not sure I remember my username on the forum I used to post.Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-67830303528187493392016-03-04T21:26:00.000-03:002016-03-04T21:26:08.625-03:00LifestyleI was just thinking about this now, so I want to write it down right away so I won't have this stuck in my head for the weekend. After paying attention to some people at college and taking a look at this reporter/book writer's instagram page. He's in his mid thirties and it got me thinking that his life now is sort of how I see some of my colleagues in the future. By then they will have traveled to so many places, worked on really great projects in amazing agencies, have fun with long-time friends, etc.<br />
<br />
I wish I had that sort of lifestyle. Laid back, working with something creative like design, having friends from different groups for different activities and hobbies, traveling to new places, having all kinds of new life experiences.<br />
<br />
Those people enjoy life, they get to do interesting things, meet interesting people, make memories, etc. I don't think I'll ever have that kind of life. I'll always be that person that speaks very little with everyone else at works (working somewhere shitty too), goes straight back home and never does anything fun. And by the time I'm in my mid thirties I will probably have achieved nothing, no friends, no travels, no life experiences.<br />
<br />
It makes me sad I'll never have a youth to remember and will be even more depressed and jaded by the time I'm over 20. I'll envy that kind of people so much more because they will still be getting enjoyment out of life while I'll feel old and disgusting and regretful I didn't had a blast at college and it's been 15 years and I haven't evolved one bit.<br />
<br />
Being young is the only thing I got going for me, I don't how I'll handle loosing that.<br />
<br />Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-41463034697217231692016-03-02T22:19:00.000-03:002016-03-02T22:19:05.047-03:00😢College is back and my anxiety is getting hard to handle. I'll be in class and start thinking how my college experience is ending, missing the last few years and wishing I could have been able to live all that as myself. I get anxious about how busy this year is going to be too.<br />
<br />
I know I can come back after transitioning but will not be the same thing, I've said this one hundred times but even if I don't ever speak with most people in my class I'm used to have them as classmates, hearing their drama and everything. I hate the feeling that's all over and that I'll regret not enjoying myself for the rest of my life.<br />
<br />
Had something shitty happen where I intern, I was pretty much yelling and cursing in my head for nearly 2 hours straight by how angry that made me feel. I had one good thing happen a few days before so it feels things are just balancing out to be shitty again.<br />
<br />
It's bizarre to think three years passed by so quickly, I try to remember which class I had in which semester and I keep mixing things up. Now changing subjects I just wish we could live in a extremely convincing lucid dream after dying, I could live out all the fantasies I have, the mundane, the impossible and the fantastical ones.<br />
<br />
I'm tired of feeling negative emotions most of the time, to be so uncomfortable and miserable. I don't want to feel all this pain.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-33882814422508282752016-02-01T01:11:00.001-02:002016-02-01T01:23:56.415-02:00☾I want to start this post with a apology to some of the people who's comments I never replied or replied wrong so you probably never got a notification. I didn't meant to be rude or ignore you guys, and I'm sorry that every time you come to my blog it's always the same bulshit.<br />
<br />
<br />
I wish I had a social life. I'm a bit of a homebody but I can picture myself having fun going out with friends, even on clubs in few times. I always like to imagine what would be like to live in the United States or England or whatever but there's so much to do in my city.<br />
<br />
I keep trying to imagine what is like to be a normal person that has friends and goes out and it's all so bizarre to me. Having multiple groups of friends, going to the museum or any new event, being known to people, travelling, etc. It all sounds exciting but so alien to me.<br />
<br />
I have this short images on my mind of people having fun and being social and it makes me feel so shitty. It's like a nostalgia for something I haven't experienced, I try to build on those images to daydream but I have no life experience to back it up, so I just try to avoid those thoughts but it makes me so frustrated.<br />
<br />
I wish I didn't had to worry about transitioning or anything related to being trans because that only makes it all so much complicated. I want to do all those things as myself, not as I am right now. I have zero social life experience as a teenager or adult and I'm 20 years old. I'll never have that life long tight group of friends when I'm older to meet and chat about new things and the good memories. I won't have candid pictures of me looking silly with my friends at a party or anything like that.<br />
<br />
It feels so unfair to me, I wasn't like this from the start, I was a normal kid and now I'm completely destroyed by depression, anxiety and dysphoria. I was never a social butterfly but I could talk to people, make friends and enjoy life.<br />
<br />
And things will only keep getting worst as I grow older. Before I was growing but no really getting "older", like I was going from 17 to 18. But now I'll go to 22, 23, 24, 28 , 34, etc. And the older I get the clearer it will be how fucked up I am.Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-81353025520582971962015-11-07T22:46:00.000-02:002015-11-07T22:46:08.116-02:00DamnI went to this event at my college that happened every year, they always have people taking pictures of everything going on so they can post on the event's facebook page. Unfortunately I ended up appearing in quite some pictures, and I look horrible in all of them.<br />
<br />
I swear to god I don't really see myself looking that bad when I see my reflection. I've been gaining weight for a while now, and my face looks so round and weird. My mouth looks really weird, I think because of my teeth situation it looks like a old's person mouth, specially when I'm smiling.<br />
<br />
I already hated my looks before, but after seeing those pictures I'm feeling like shit. I keep daydreaming about having my dream body, being a girl, enjoying college life, dating a cute guy, etc. And the worst is I know that's never happening.Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-16286203566536110602015-07-21T20:21:00.001-03:002015-07-21T20:21:50.572-03:00MirrorA few nights ago I was staring at myself in the mirror, and for a while I could not recognize myself. Everything felt floaty, it was like I was looking at another person and not my reflection. It kills any self confidence I could have to know that's how people see me.<br />
<br />
I have two weeks of vacation left. It feels so good to be able to stay at home all day long, not having to worry about deadlines or having to deal with people. It sucks to know pretty much none of my dreams will ever come true, because most are impossible to begin with.<br />
<br />
I'll probably never be happy ever, and of course my mother loves to say how happy I was as a kid, as if I didn't know. No one takes my depression seriously, they just pretend I never came out to them, that I asked for help. But of course I should just shrug it off and live my life according to them.<br />
Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-67975248844522268672015-06-03T22:08:00.001-03:002015-06-03T22:08:30.285-03:00Another no-update I'm feeling neutral right now, I was feeling awful a couple of days ago, but I'm a little bit numb now. I wish I had something interesting to write here, but as usual nothing really happened. Each day I feel I'm becoming more aware of how I actually look, because most of the time I have the vivid mental image of my ideal self, and it's awful to realize how far I am from it.<br />
<br />
It's coming to a point where I'm barely recognizing myself in pictures or in front of a mirror. It makes me feel very anxious when I think that's who people see when they see me. There's no point interacting with people because it all feels false, because I can't speak my mind and act like myself.<br />
<br />
I had a minor injury a couple of days ago, stepped on a huge nail on the floor, probably the most exciting thing that happened in a long time. I'm terrified of needles but the tetanus shot doesn't hurt a thing, my arm is very sore from it though.Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-74698829932187034842015-05-08T17:04:00.003-03:002015-05-08T17:04:47.080-03:00ProgressNothing new to report, I made zero progress on pretty much everything, including transition. Each day I feel more hopeless about everything. I'm nearly numb about life in general, I daydream my time away and pretend there's nothing wrong. Just like I was in denial about growing up and going through puberty, now I'm in denial about growing older and having a shitty life. So I'll do nothing about it.<br />
<br />
The worst thing is that occasionally my depression bleeds through my daydreams, and it ruins my mood. It happened recently and now I'm having trouble to daydream about the fantasy life where something bad happened, and even daydream about other things as well. I hope this go away soon, my daydreams are one of the few good things I have.<br />
<br />
And even though I'm numb I'm also very anxious, usually late in the afternoon I'll start feeling jumpy, like I should be doing something, even if it's just walking around the house. I suddenly remember all my responsibilities, deadlines, etc and realize if I don't get out of this vicious cycle my life is going to be miserable.<br />
<br />
Things would be easier if I had my family's support, I'd be on HRT already, I wouldn't feel like I'll have to go through transition on my own.<br />
<br />
Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7509352356642509684.post-52082446108159205282015-04-24T16:36:00.001-03:002015-04-24T16:36:54.193-03:00Procrastination I had something I needed to do for college this afternoon, I haven't even started it yet. I'm waiting till latter to do it, but if I had started it earlier I would be finishing it by now. It's quite complicated, but not as complicated as I make it seem to be, I always get so anxious before doing a assignment or project for college, and instead of doing it right away I'll keep waiting the last minute to do it. I'm so sick of feeling stressed over college, I have this language test Sunday and it will ruin my weekend. I failed next time so I have to do it again, and I'm afraid I'll fail again.<br />
<br />
I'm feeling so anxious now, it's similar to when I'm laying watching tv at night, I feel this urge to walk around, and a nagging feeling that's something is wrong or is about to go really wrong soon.Siulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18258299541136457365noreply@blogger.com0