quinta-feira, 30 de junho de 2011

I feel bad...

Midyear now.Came out?No.Male hormones still damaging my body?Yes.Feeling good about my self?No.Depression?Yes
My life sucks now.I'm having a bad time at school(I needed to get a grade like 70 in chemistry,but I couldnt),I see new body hair(like I didnt had enough of it),my hair is falling a bit(I can see my head depending on the light on that part right next to the forehad),I'm not in hormones like I wished in this year.In my plannings I was supposed to came out at January...I hate myself for not coming out yet,and now there are going to be the recuperation tests(chemistry,maybe physics or math too)and I dont know if I let the letter to my parents to read while Im on recuperation class(classes in the morning,and test at 2pm)...
My brother doesnt support my coming out at all,he always says that it will "ruin the family",it only makes me feel nervous about it,because like I said before,I really dont know exactly how my parents will react to it.
Sometimes I just wish people know that,or know that I dont like girls,know something.
ps:sorry for bad grammar,Im not in the mood to care

segunda-feira, 27 de junho de 2011

I wore female pants

I was going out with my father and my brother this last Friday,and I made a joke saying that I was going to wear my mother's grayish/purple velvet pants.She laughted a bit but she said "I think it may fit you..."and I tried it on,and it looked good(not too tight but not baggy).I wore a a pale pink long sleeve t-shirt,a steel blue all star sneakers(with ligh blue shoelace) and a fern green hoodie.Now the pants are mine,and I'm planning on using them again.
Changing subject,my father asked me again why I'm so depressed and sad almost all the time,and I still can't answer that.The fact that my parents ask me this may be a good sign,but still don't know how they reaction will be.This is the last week before winter vacation,so I don't know if I should wait the vacation to end or come out this week,and I really want it.

quinta-feira, 23 de junho de 2011

Talk in Second Life

 It was just about some minutes ago that I started to talk with a girl in Second Life,then I asked her if she was trans,and she was.We started to talk about the hormones,dating,my blog,the feelings,therapy,etc.It was a short conversation but I'm feeling so good after that,it was something that I wasn't waiting to happen.Talk to someone about your feelings is great,and if the person have the same feelings,is way better.She is offline now,can't wait to talk more with her.
Second Life is wonderful to me.My first account is a cat(it was a fox) and my second account is a girl,and I play with this most of the time.I really feel more confident in SL because people see me as a woman,but is not enough.I'm going to come out next week(no school this week,so it would be awkward to let my parents to read the letter while I'm home...

quarta-feira, 22 de junho de 2011

Make Up

Like I said in My Story post,in my imaginary world(were Im a girl) I only wear a bit of make up in special occasions.The only time that I used make up were in the beggining of this year(we were on the beach and my mother left some lipsticks in the bathroom)I used a brown one and then cleaned my face.
I like light make up with browns,beiges and in some occasions I think that red lipstick is pretty nice.I also like when people with fair skin like me use a lipstick color that is the same of the foudation.
Only a futile post now...I have no school for the rest of this week^^

sábado, 18 de junho de 2011

Why not posting

I'm not posting as much as I would like,but I'm so busy with school...I think my grades in chemisty are not going to be good.Here in Brazil the Summer Vacation begin on the end of the year and end in the begining of the year,in July the vacation are usually 2 or 3 weeks long,but I want some time to rest,and if I fail in a subject the recuperation tests are in the first week of vacation,and I dont want to loose it TT^TT
My dad is traveling a lot,he is back and I think that it is better to have him home so I can come out to him and to my mother at the same time.
This is it for now,bye

domingo, 5 de junho de 2011


So,I have a bit of facial hair and it bothers me that some started this year...
I used to have that "teen moustache" but now I shave(I can be 3 days without shaving,at least is not everyday),I started to shave the sideburn also and now my biggest problem are that side facial hair,next to the jaw line and neck,it is still very thin and people don't notice it much,but one side is getting a bit bigger.I'm going to buy a electric shaver(is that the name of it?)because I believe it much better then the normal one,and I started to thinking of using bleaching on it,so it maybe doesn't appear much.
I also started to show that I hate my beggining facial hair to my parents,and my hate of my body hair too,and compliment female clothing,trying to make them realize my feminine traits(?)

My Coming Out Letter

So,I'm going to post my coming out letter here:
 "The reason why I'm so depressed it is more complicated then you thought(or maybe you did).
Since I was young I felt that there were something different about me,because I always imagined myself different from what I was and still am.When I look in the mirror I see something different,it should be a girl(I have Gender Identity Disorder,I'm transsexual).I always identified myself with girls ou female characters,I even waited to see on the news that some girls were born physically male,and that I had it;I would pray before spleep(when I believed in God) to wake up as a girl in the next morning,but it never happened.I started to think that I was gay and that was normal to want to be a girl,and tried to contend myself with being a girl in my imagination,but when puberty came I realized that it wasn't enough,because my body would change and it would become much more distant of what it should be.The voice bothers me,and even pretending that I hated when people thought that I was a girl on the phone before,I always liked it.I believe that you guys must have some misconceptions about what is a transexual and how it works,so I printed those 2 pages about it,and I hope it would answer some of your questions about it.
 I wrote this letter because I didn't know how to start this conversation.I even wrote a e-mail before but I think it was to impersonal.Remember that I still am and going to be the same person,but with the treatment I'm going to be myself,but more confident and happier then now,and also remember that I love you guys and I hope you love me besides everything like you always shown me."
 Then I put the name and phone of and therapist that is on a list of therapists that I found that work with transexual in my city.In Portuguese more words have gender if compared to English,so I avoided words with gender as I could,but the ones with it I used male to not sound weird to my parents.
So,this is my coming out letter,I just hope that I will be able to let it in someplace that they can read...
ps:sorry for any bad grammar,it is a bit hard to me to translate texts from portuguese to english^^

sábado, 4 de junho de 2011

List of possible names

Ok,so I decided to make a post about the names that I like to myself after talking to Brenda^^:
-Betina(my name if I were born as a girl,and my main option)
-Elizabeth(I had a really nice teacher with this name,and I like it)
My first name is the name of my grandfather(mother side) and my second name is the second name of my other grandfather(is a greek name and I like it)so I don't know about changing it,because people usually doesn't know how to say it right or how to write it,and I always like it,but is a male name still...I already thought that I could use my grandmothers name(they had the same name XD)but I don't think that my family would react nicely to that.
I don't know if I should post my male name here(Maybe some of you already figured it out )

sexta-feira, 3 de junho de 2011

Update on style

Here a little list of my favorite type of outfits:click here
also the casual clothes in Zara(some men tshirt are pretty good^^)and some more "romantic" looking jackets and shirts too
Just and update because I don't have nothing to do XD

quarta-feira, 1 de junho de 2011

The Meaning of My Nickanme

I use Siul as some of my internet accounts(the female ones) and I found out that siúl in old irish is "walks","ability to walk" Pretty cool :D

My genitals

One thing that never really bothers me is my genitals.I never felt "disgust" of it and it was not my main problem really.If I could choose to be born with a vagina I would love it,but since it didn't happened,I will have to do the surgery.I never did one and I have plenty of time to think about it.There are risks,about the functionality and the appearance of the vagina,and I will not be happy if it happened and I will not forgive myself for making that choice(same with face surgery,and I really don't think that I need it much).
So,it is something that is not in the top of my list to do about transition(first I need to come out first,then therapy and then hormones).
I don't think that using your penis or not wanting to have surgery don't make you less transwoman,it just part of you and you have the choice of keeping it or not.If it work for you,people should feel happy for you,not hate you.