...

Soon I'll be turning 19, and I just wasted another year. Even if it took years to go full time I'd love to just have HRT already, get laser done, etc. Even if I had to still live as male, just being able to look how I like and maybe get people mistaking my gender would be enough for me now.

I feel I can't do it

 I used to feel so excited when I'd think about transitioning, but now I almost cannot picture myself doing that. I feel I've lost a good chunk of the small bit of hope I have to one day be happy about myself. Even if HRT does it's wonders some parts of my body will never change, and they will always show to everybody I'm transgender. I'll never be able to freely pick any cute women's shoe I want because my feet are awful. If I let my hands become very visible it will be clear to anyone those are the hands of a man.

 Right now all I want is for my parents to allow me to quit college and stay at home. Then by the time I'm in my late 20s I'll decide if I can still live a little longer or should kill myself. I'm terrified of growing older, having to be a responsible adult, looking older and uglier, not being a young person anymore. I'll never be able to pay for a good lifestyle by myself, and I'll probably never get married anyway, so I'll have to depend on my family.

 I don't even know what to write, I have lots of college things to do, but after this week my summer vacation starts.

Nothing much to say

  Only that I still feel awful, I had the day free today because of a holiday, but I already got things to do for college. And the extended weekend went so quick, I hate that. My computer is a mess and because I need to use it for everything college related I'm screwed.

  I said in another post about building up confidence, etc. Now I'm not sure if the "I might look good after HRT/FFS" is just wishful thinking. I would look good if I didn't had male puberty, but now I'm almost sure it's too late. And it sucks because in theory I have features similar to what my ideal face would be. It's like if I could tweak my face like in The Sims 4 to change size of certain things, their position,etc I'd be able to achieve my ideal face, which is how I imagine I'd look like if I had female puberty.

  If I had female puberty my body would be close to my ideal to, a Top Hourglass shape. It's like the regular hourglass only the hips aren't as large, so the shoulders are wider.  But now my chest is too wide for that, I have zero hips. I have fairly long legs for a male my height(5'9 1/4), but they're shorter than most women my height. Not forgetting to mention my hand and feet that will never look female.

  At some point in my life I'll have to let go of that idealized version of myself, all the fantasy lives she lives,etc Because they will never happen, and to be honest I don't think I'll ever let go of that. If I had any willpower to practice lucid dreaming I would, I guess it's the closer I'll get to actually live those scenarios. And I keep trying to make a visual reference of what this idealized version of me looks like, I have vague ideas, like flashes of mental images of what she looks like, and tried to recreate them using MorphThing, The Sims 4, etc they come close but never look exactly how I picture.

  The idea of dealing with transition feels overwhelming, but at the same time I'd love to at least be on hormones already, I've heard you can get some changes in your hips before you turn 24. I honestly cannot picture myself looking good or happy after transition, the way my parents have been dealing with this makes me dread to touch the subject, I don't like to imagine what would be like to be full time near them, or just deal with anything related to transition.

  I already feel pretty dependent on my family for everything, so it kills me they're just gonna omit themselves like that, that what I get from my father's "study,work and do everything you want" speech that is supposed to be motivational but for me is like a big "fuck you". I know they care but when it comes to social anxiety, depression and dysphoria they act like is nothing, that I can just get up and work things out, and they get angry at me for not being able to handle my issues.

  And my hair is falling, my skin is super dry, my teeth are awful as usual.... And I'm supposed to start interning next year (should be doing it already,actually), I swear I'll have a breakdown if I have anymore stress in my life. I wish I could slip in the bathroom and smash my head on the sink or something, pass out and be able to relax for a while. Or just drop dead and be death already.

Feeling like crap. When I stop to think about my future I honestly cannot see a good thing,even if I transition. I'll never be able to function near other people,I'll always be the awkward loner with a shitty job,no personality and no life. The only good futures I can see are imaginary,where I was born female,or where better looking and would have a very successful transition at a younger age.

I've been building up some confidence by looking at myself in the mirror. I can see how I might look great after HRT does it's work on my face. But then when I try to take a picture of myself I look awful. I look bloated,my jaw area look award,my mouth looks weird and my nose looks gigantic and crooked. And even my eyes,pretty much the only features I really like,look pretty but dead.

And it's so weird because my identical twin is good looking,so how come I'm so ugly? I could look so good if I had started hormones before,my shoulders and chest were no so wide,I'd develop hips,etc. And things will only get worse as I get older,my face will get wrinkles,my nose will get larger,my cheeks will start to fall,etc.

I got this grammar test yesterday. One of the few good things in my life is the weekend,and now I'm loosing that now tomorrow. I'm so tired,I'm getting fed up of feeling like shit everyday.

Feel like I'm about to explode

I had very strong thoughts of suicide this Tuesday. All I wanted at that moment was to be dead,I don't think I ever felt so intensely about it before,it was scary. The rest of the time I feel so stressed,every little things bothers me,I feel like yelling and breaking things. I daydream about lashing out on people. I'm not sure how long until I actually end up freaking out,specially in public.

I wish I could sleep and be in a constant lucid dream,making up realities and switching between them once I got bored. It really kills me that no matter I wish for different lives I'll never really live them and will always be stuck with my boring one.

Writing would be cool

I wish I had the talent for it. I struggle to make a small comment that flows nicely,most of the time it will have awkward stops and different ideas just threw after the other. I'd love to have talent for drawing,painting,singing,etc but I can't do any of those things.

They're all things that could benefit from my depression and daydreams,so there would be a good side of them. And having any of those skills would make me a more interesting person. I feel that even if I were to be happy and everything there would be no reason for people to be friends with me.

Maybe I just can't remember what is like to have a actual personality. I don't even know what is like to go out with friends as a teenager,go to a part as a teenager,etc. Who knows how it will be like as a young adult? I just find it hard to believe that one day I might be in good terms with my body.

I try to picture myself at full time,post laser,SRS,etc and even after all of that certain things in my body will never change,like my hand and feet,they will always be super masculine looking. I can't see myself feeling comfortable around women or scrawny men,it will probably highlight my own features. I'll always have to make sure any guy I might date have larger hand and feet than me,and that sucks.

Oh,I had a test but it seemed easy. I almost threw a fit at a class,the teacher was late and I'm already not a huge fan of him,I can't stand him so every new shit he pulls it just to add to the list. It's been so long since I felt that angry at someone,I was about to do something stupid. I already said this,but I just wish I'd snap already.

I'm feeling a little dizzy,my left hand hurts a little. I'm terrified of developing a bad posture and then being too late when I try to fix it. I have tons of things to do for college.

Thoughts

I've mentioned that I started to have suicidal thoughts lately,but un/fortunately I'm too scared to do it. As ridiculous as it sounds,I feel trying to do it would be the only way for my family to take me serious and drop the "go out,talk to people,etc" argument. Like I also said before I feel taking a break from my routine in a mental hospital could be good,but I don't want to miss college,in a few months the school year will end and I'll be in my summer vacations.

I had really bad anxiety today at class,I had to go to the bathroom and stay there a while. I'm slightly over my ideal weight,and I was wearing only a shirt(no hoodie as usual) because it was hot,maybe that's why. I'm not over-thinking the aging thing,even after time passing being mentioned in a class and bumping into a online discussion about turning 30.

This week will be pretty uneventful,except for this class with this shitty software I can barely use. My first work for this class was super shitty,I uploaded it in the lowest possible quality. Next will have to do something even more complicated,but I'll have to work my ass off to make up for the first one.

My hair is falling badly,the scalp is super visible if I part my hair in the middle. And the skin in my chest looks red almost all the time,I hate it. It looks old lady-ish. And my skin overall is super dry,patches of scaly skin and all.

Had A Amazing Conversation

  I just had a amazing conversation online,I needed to vent badly and this person was being so genuine,they'd read what I've wrote and keep the conversation going. I don't have someone to talk about my problems like that,my thoughts keep repeting themselves and it get's overwhelmed. I feel much lighter,not anxious or hopeless.

  I'm not overthinking all that's wrong or will go wrong in my life,and it feels awesome. It just shows how sometimes all you need is a person who is interested in what you have to say,not just to say something nice and forget about you the next minute.

  This got me thinking now that no matter how awkward it's gonna be,I need therapy. Yes I still have tons of issues to work on,and it's a long road ahead of me,but at least I can feel more positive about it. I know I'll probably go back to crappy moods soon,but at least tonight I feel fine.

I was Feeling Better (Or How I Turned a Short Post Into a Long Rambling Mess)

  But now all the negativity is coming back. I'm completely unmotivated,I should be doing something for college but I'm exhausted. I was supposed to have a test today,but it was changed for the next week,and I was so anxious before the teacher said that,maybe that's what made me so tired today.

  I wish I had something to say,it's nice to post here again. I don't get as many replies as I get on reddit,but it feels more personal. I wonder how many people find my blog and are turned off it because of my bad writing(I'd edit older posts but they're too many and I'm lazy) or because there's no happy ending in my story.

  I think it's weird how people who met me in the past 5 years probably think being super awkward and depressed is just part of my personality. I feel like I've lost a good part of my personality,not only because of depression,dysphoria and social anxiety;because I also don't have friends to make each other's traits more pronounced. I'm friends with my brother,but we never talk about serious things,and I have people I talk a bit in college,but we're not really friends.

  I still feel frustrated about my non-transition. It feels everybody gets into the doubt period,goes to a therapist,figures things out,start HRT and then go full time. And here I am,about 5 years after coming out to myself and nothing. I keep imagining how I'd look like if I had started HRT at 14,15,16,17 or a few months ago.

  I saw some pictures of myself as a baby,at about 5 and 12. I was such a pretty child,and while I was sort of awkward at 12 my shoulder/rib cage area was not as wide. I'd be able to grow into my features with female puberty and look beautiful. Now I'll be lucky if I end up being slightly above average. But seeing pictures of my before depression makes me feel awful,I feel bad for the younger me to have to deal with this now.

  I miss being a child or young teen. I could have used my free time to learn some instruments,develop some cool skills,etc. I like how people were more protective of me,adults were nicer,etc. I think because I come across as naive/innocent/shy some people still will treat me like that.

  I keep wondering if I'll ever be able to live on my own,have a group of friends,deal with life like other people,etc. It start to get into my daydreams,even in the different perfects versions of my life,I wonder if I'd still be happy,if I'd be okay about growing older and such. In most of the fantasy lives I have AIS,because I should not be so lucky to be biologically female and be a actress or to have a nice life.

  My favorite daydreams are the island ones,where I get stuck in this island(Ireland looking,not the tropical ones) with a group of people,usually actors I like. I'd get to hang out with interesting people and have no worries. And this reminds me on how I get obsessed about things(like how I'm mentioning daydreaming all the time). Maybe it's my way of dealing with depression. I'll obsess about a movie,actor,etc for a while and then move on,still admiring or liking the obsession,but in a normal way. My thing now is Timothy Hutton,and I just spend some hours liking cute photos and gifs on my tumblr from this tim-deticated account. I'll not reblogg them all now,though,I don't like when I reblogg stuff from the same actor/singer/movie/etc in a row.

  I have some repetitive thoughts,and one of the ways to stop them is to write them down here or any online forum. They're either depressive thoughts,daydreams or random concepts. I'm reading this line I just wrote,and I hate how weird my writing turns out at times,sounds like I'm half asleep or I barely know english. I cringe at some of the stuff I've written here(why did I kept talking about crushes?),I wonder if I'll cringe of the most recent posts in the future.

 Remember the girl I used to talk anonymously online? We never spoke again,I guess we're both too busy with college,but I miss talking to her. I could not mention Ordinary People(I want to talk to someone about it so badly) because I've liked it on facebook and posted two videos of it. I thought by now I'd be passable and would feel more comfortable revealing myself to her. I wonder if I should tell her or not,she will definitely be nice and supportive,but I don't feel like adding more stuff to handle in my life right now.

  I wish I had the balls to at least try to kill myself,even if it's just a cry for help. I'd probably get made feel shameful about it my whole life afterwards,but there's a possibility I'd be put in a mental hospital for a while. Because of my social anxiety I'd probably feel super uncomfortable,but it would be a break from the stress of college.

  I might have a breakdown soon,I keep playing these scenarios in my head about standing up for myself,yelling at people,breaking things,etc. Or that I just start to cry in front of everybody. While I'm pretty sure my depression and social anxiety come from dysphoria,I feel like I'll have to deal with them for the rest of my life. A part of me will always be disappointed with myself and my life as a whole.

 I was thinking of posting some Ordinary People quotes and gifs to make this post ~~fancy~~ but I'm not in the mood right now. I know I should get a therapist but my sessions were so awkward,it's hard for me to open up and talk about personal feelings with someone in a room.

 And this is what happens when you're overwhelmed and have no one to talk to.

We've Only Just Begun

  I already wrote here that time passing freaks me out. I love the song "We've Only Just Begun",it's supposed to be a celebration of youth but it always makes me feel awful. I imagine young people(fictional or real) listening to it,being able to relate to it,and in the future(or listening to the song in the past and being older now) they'll only feel nostalgia about that time of their lives.

 By thinking of it I started to daydream about this young couple driving to a coastal town to spend their weekend there. As in the song,it's their first time in that city,so even though it's small they take a while to find a hotel. Later they buy a hat because it's sunny and they didn't brough one,and a t-shirt as a way to remember this day. They walk down the beach,talking about the future. How their first home will be like,how their ideal home will be like,how many kids will they have,what their names will be and how will they look like,etc.

  I was very caught up in this daydream,I felt so much peace and hapiness from it,I could see some quick scenes of each of those scenarios. The girl was a idealized version of myself,and because I've watched Ordinary People recently and I'm having a Timothy Hutton thing,his adorable young self was the boyfriend.

  All of sudden I snapped out of it. I don't know how to explain,but everything felt so harsh. There was no happy feeling now,no cute memories and moments,I was back to being me. I honestly cannot picture myself in a relationship,even less while young. I keep feeling anxious about time passing,thinking of fictional or non fictional people growing old,etc but at least they all have good memories of their youth,I'm not going to have that.

Was it all worth it?

  I started to think about this lately,if coming out to myself at 14 was a good thing. I remember there was a comment in my coming out letter that I knew more about myself at that age than some older people. But I was happy before,all I needed was to daydream of being a girl and be at peace. My body was already affected by puberty at some point,but it was not as bad as it is now.

  Depression,dysphoria and anxiety are getting worst to handle. I have no one to talk to about it,and even if I had social anxiety keeps me from being able to openly talk to others. I feel less in touch with myself,as if it's my way of not having to deal with my problems,because I don't see them as really mine.

  I also realized I might have anxiety attacks. Every now and then,for different reasons or none at all,I'll become very anxious,as if I was about to do something important,I start to regret things I've done and things I will do,I feel extremely depressed and hopeless,it's awful. My chest feels heavy and my breathing get worst too,I feel like I'm about to throw up or cry,and the whole thing may last a hour(or more,I suck at guessing time).

  I want to cry but I can't. I'm a emotional person(and I love throwing myself a pity party) but for some reason I cannot cry myself to sleep about my whole situation. It must feel so good to let it all out,but I have to force myself to some light sobbing. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to live to all of those negative emotions and thoughts.

  I can't see myself really happy in the future,even if I transition successfully. I'm going to have a mediocre life,if I end up with a partner he will probably be just as mediocre and miserable as me,no contact with family,shitty job,etc. We will only be together so we can avoid being completely lonely. And that if I don't end up all alone. I can picture my grand nephews and nieces hearing the news of my death and be "Oh" for a second and then go back to their lives. That is if I live so long and don't kill myself before or die in a accident by not paying attention as always.

  I'm not a strong person,I feel depression has left a permanent mark on me. Real life will never be as good as the fantasy worlds I escape when my mind dozes off,and I'm not sure one day I'll accept that. I never thought so much about suicide before,I'm scared of dying but I'm not sure how long I can take of being constantly feeling so bad about myself.

  I know people probably don't read my blog anymore,it got interesting(if you're into shitty writing) after I came out,started therapy,etc but it went downhill after I dropped therapy. It's not the "2 year later and I'm so happy about myself and can finally be me" blog,things didn't got any better and will probably never will. The one thing I could have made of all of this was to improve my writing and maybe write down some stories I have in my mind(thank you maladaptive daydreaming!) but I could not even done that.

Long time no see

  It's been so long since I write anything here. My transition is still stuck,and so is the rest of my life. College is already stressing,specially with dysphoria,depression and social anxiety. I'm too scared and lazy to actually kill myself but in a lot of days I wish I'd be caught in some accident and die.

  I also realized I have maladaptive daydreaming,which is excessive daydreaming. And it's the dumbest thing because I follow a tumblr on that but never connected the dots. I don't want to give up daydreaming completely,but I can see how it being excessive is bad,god knows how many opportunities in life I'll miss because of that. I actually never stopped to think about puberty before as a kid because just daydreaming being a girl was enough,and i always though something was going to happen and I'd wake up as a girl the next day. Sleeping and daydreaming are pretty much the only good things I have,those are the only moments I'm at peace.

  In other news,my hair have never been longer. For some reason my parents are allowing me to keep it growing,it's shoulder lenght now(passing,but it's wavy and poofy). But because nothing good can happen in my life,it's falling very badly,I'm very very very far from balding,but the scalp is visible on the top of my head,specially in bathroom-like lights.
 
  My skin continues to be very dry,I have symptons similar to of a retina detachment but I did a mapping and my doctor says I'm fine. One of my biggest fears is to loose my sight,and if it ever happens I'll probably kill myself.

  I did some cleaning up on my teeth. I have been on braces since I was 13,but another doctor of mine(she does the cleaning) said I should see another dentist's opinion on my progression,and it seems my former dentist wasn't well prepare for my case(very complicated,I have fewer teeth than average). For the first time in my life I had caries,and one was a pain to take it off.

  I took my braces at the end of last year,and will soon have to start braces all over again with this new doctor. He seems great and my other doctor that suggested him,but I can't stand having to go back to the beginning of the treatment. My former doctor almost got implants in me(he did took about 6 teeth of mine to aid in the progress of others,so I barely have teeth on the side),so it could have been worst.

 It's so much to me,I feel I'm about to have a mental breakdown at the middle of class or something. My family may care about me but they definitely don't care about my depression and dysphoria,they know I'm shy but they'd probably say I'm over reacting if I told them I have social anxiety disorder.

 I've been daydreaming about trying to kill myself and going to some institution for a while,even if it's just to take a break from daily life,and show my parents I'm serious about depression.

I watched Ordinary People at friday,it's a amazing movie,and I can relate so much with it,definitelly became one of my favorite movies of all time.