sábado, 22 de novembro de 2014

I feel I can't do it

 I used to feel so excited when I'd think about transitioning, but now I almost cannot picture myself doing that. I feel I've lost a good chunk of the small bit of hope I have to one day be happy about myself. Even if HRT does it's wonders some parts of my body will never change, and they will always show to everybody I'm transgender. I'll never be able to freely pick any cute women's shoe I want because my feet are awful. If I let my hands become very visible it will be clear to anyone those are the hands of a man.

 Right now all I want is for my parents to allow me to quit college and stay at home. Then by the time I'm in my late 20s I'll decide if I can still live a little longer or should kill myself. I'm terrified of growing older, having to be a responsible adult, looking older and uglier, not being a young person anymore. I'll never be able to pay for a good lifestyle by myself, and I'll probably never get married anyway, so I'll have to depend on my family.

 I don't even know what to write, I have lots of college things to do, but after this week my summer vacation starts.

3 comentários:

  1. When I was your age the thing that scared me most was living because I didn't want to spend it on my own. I couldn't find a girlfriend and I was living as a boy when I knew that I wanted to live as a girl. I felt that I'd rather be dead than live the life that was ahead of me.

    30 years later and I'm now living as the woman I should have been all along. I have a partner and a son to share my life.

    I did reach the point where I decided that I couldn't go on and tried to take kill myself. It was the scariest thing I ever did and it made me realise that I actually wanted to live more than I wanted to end my life.

    Enjoy your summer vacation and stick with college. Get your qualifications so that you can go on to build the a life you are happy with.

    Nobody knows what the future is going to bring. In 10 years time you could be living the life you want.

  2. Thank you for your comment. I'm pretty much holding into the hope that life might get better. At the same time it feels scary to think about the future, specially being so anxious about time passing and aging, but it's what keeps me going.

  3. Hi,
    I'm also trans and to my personal regret 2.07m big (7 foot ?) which is a real curse and I totally get what you are going through it is hard (I live in tolerant Berlin but still...) but you are still young and yes there is no easy solution to you problems but there are some methods to decrease your problems and HRT is definitely one of them. A friend of mine did it (when she was 21) and she is very happy now. She left college for a year and went back to it as a woman and it seems that she is quite happy now. What I want to say is if you are not walking around in a giant bio machine as I do then go for it ! Find some strong supporters (family or/friends) who are totally behind you and I guarantee you things will get better !