quinta-feira, 4 de setembro de 2014

Was it all worth it?

  I started to think about this lately,if coming out to myself at 14 was a good thing. I remember there was a comment in my coming out letter that I knew more about myself at that age than some older people. But I was happy before,all I needed was to daydream of being a girl and be at peace. My body was already affected by puberty at some point,but it was not as bad as it is now.

  Depression,dysphoria and anxiety are getting worst to handle. I have no one to talk to about it,and even if I had social anxiety keeps me from being able to openly talk to others. I feel less in touch with myself,as if it's my way of not having to deal with my problems,because I don't see them as really mine.

  I also realized I might have anxiety attacks. Every now and then,for different reasons or none at all,I'll become very anxious,as if I was about to do something important,I start to regret things I've done and things I will do,I feel extremely depressed and hopeless,it's awful. My chest feels heavy and my breathing get worst too,I feel like I'm about to throw up or cry,and the whole thing may last a hour(or more,I suck at guessing time).

  I want to cry but I can't. I'm a emotional person(and I love throwing myself a pity party) but for some reason I cannot cry myself to sleep about my whole situation. It must feel so good to let it all out,but I have to force myself to some light sobbing. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to live to all of those negative emotions and thoughts.

  I can't see myself really happy in the future,even if I transition successfully. I'm going to have a mediocre life,if I end up with a partner he will probably be just as mediocre and miserable as me,no contact with family,shitty job,etc. We will only be together so we can avoid being completely lonely. And that if I don't end up all alone. I can picture my grand nephews and nieces hearing the news of my death and be "Oh" for a second and then go back to their lives. That is if I live so long and don't kill myself before or die in a accident by not paying attention as always.

  I'm not a strong person,I feel depression has left a permanent mark on me. Real life will never be as good as the fantasy worlds I escape when my mind dozes off,and I'm not sure one day I'll accept that. I never thought so much about suicide before,I'm scared of dying but I'm not sure how long I can take of being constantly feeling so bad about myself.

  I know people probably don't read my blog anymore,it got interesting(if you're into shitty writing) after I came out,started therapy,etc but it went downhill after I dropped therapy. It's not the "2 year later and I'm so happy about myself and can finally be me" blog,things didn't got any better and will probably never will. The one thing I could have made of all of this was to improve my writing and maybe write down some stories I have in my mind(thank you maladaptive daydreaming!) but I could not even done that.

2 comentários:

  1. Hi Siul,
    Still out here reading your blog posts.
    Depression is a horrible thing to have to deal with. Do you have anyone that you can talk to about your feelings? Especially the thoughts about dying.

  2. They do have therapists you can talk to in my college,but I'm terrified of asking for help. My father keeps mentioning doing some regression therapy(the childhood memory kind,not the past life one) but I'd rather have regular therapy. But it's probably like his "search" for a therapist,he will keep saying that and there will be no therapist.

    My former therapy was nice but the whole thing was so awkward,there was tons of silent moments,so even though I want to have therapy I know it will be hard because of my social anxiety.

    I really appreciate your comment.