sexta-feira, 26 de setembro de 2014

Feeling like crap. When I stop to think about my future I honestly cannot see a good thing,even if I transition. I'll never be able to function near other people,I'll always be the awkward loner with a shitty job,no personality and no life. The only good futures I can see are imaginary,where I was born female,or where better looking and would have a very successful transition at a younger age.

I've been building up some confidence by looking at myself in the mirror. I can see how I might look great after HRT does it's work on my face. But then when I try to take a picture of myself I look awful. I look bloated,my jaw area look award,my mouth looks weird and my nose looks gigantic and crooked. And even my eyes,pretty much the only features I really like,look pretty but dead.

And it's so weird because my identical twin is good looking,so how come I'm so ugly? I could look so good if I had started hormones before,my shoulders and chest were no so wide,I'd develop hips,etc. And things will only get worse as I get older,my face will get wrinkles,my nose will get larger,my cheeks will start to fall,etc.

I got this grammar test yesterday. One of the few good things in my life is the weekend,and now I'm loosing that now tomorrow. I'm so tired,I'm getting fed up of feeling like shit everyday.

3 comentários:

  1. Hi hon,

    I just started reading your blog, starting with your most recent posts. I wanted to drop you a line after reading the last few.

    I'm sorry you're feeling such intense loneliness and pain right now. It's terrible to feel that way. It feels endless, I know; I've been there. But I can tell you this:

    It is NOT endless. Things get better. For now, focus on doing your best moment by moment, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. Take care of yourself, and other things will start to fall into place.

    And remember: you are NEVER alone. There is a whole community out here who are going through or *have* gone through the same things as you are right now. People want to help. We are a small community, so it's extra important to take care of one another. Don't be afraid to reach out, OK (that goes for me too, btw!). :D

    I can tell you that the smartest thing I ever did was start therapy. I literally would not be where I am today if I had not done so. I do hope you begin yourself; it is hard work, but the rewards are so, so worth it. You're investing in yourself, which is the smartest thing you can do.

    I will stop rambling now! lol Be good to yourself, sweetie, OK? And again, remember: you are NOT alone! Ever. :D


    P.S. I wanted to mention that I *like* how you write, btw. I make my living as a writer, and I recognize someone who is speaking from the heart. That is precisely what you do. So keep on blogging, girl, OK? :c)

  2. Thank you so much for your comment. I try telling myself to keep some short-term goals so I don't get anxious by thinking about long-term ones,but it's so hard.

    I want to start therapy,but at the same time I'm scared,when I went to a non-GT it was so awkward,lots of silent moments. And now I feel my depression and anxiety are getting worst,they're problems of their own now,almost sepparate from dysphoria.

    But I've having good and bad days,sometimes it can get very overwhelming,sometimes I can go through the day feeling almost okay.

    I spent a lot of time away from the blog,I post on the transgender subs on reddit,but I like having this space here,feels more personal. And thank you so much for the compliment on my writing :p

  3. Hi hon,

    Thank you for the reply. :) Glad you're feeling a bit better.

    I cannot recommend therapy highly enough. I know exactly how you feel; I too have suffered through depression, anxiety, and GD simultaneously. It's an awful, awful feeling. I thought it would never end.

    But you know what? It did. I got through it. And you will too. The first step is to start seeing a GT. He/she will understand the unique battles we fight, and be trained to help you manage them.

    Also, silence is perfectly acceptable in a session; you aren't paying by the word, after all! lol Sometimes you just need to reflect. That's all.

    I do hope you go, and I do hope the good days quickly overwhelm the not-so-good, and they become a distant memory. You CAN do this, sweetie. Just take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time when necessary. And again, feel free to drop me a line anytime you want, OK? :c)

    Finally, you are very welcome regarding my compliment about your writing. I calls 'em as I sees 'em, hon! :D

    Be good to yourself, girl! Write when you feel like it, and remember: girls rule!!!! :c)