quinta-feira, 11 de setembro de 2014

I was Feeling Better (Or How I Turned a Short Post Into a Long Rambling Mess)

  But now all the negativity is coming back. I'm completely unmotivated,I should be doing something for college but I'm exhausted. I was supposed to have a test today,but it was changed for the next week,and I was so anxious before the teacher said that,maybe that's what made me so tired today.

  I wish I had something to say,it's nice to post here again. I don't get as many replies as I get on reddit,but it feels more personal. I wonder how many people find my blog and are turned off it because of my bad writing(I'd edit older posts but they're too many and I'm lazy) or because there's no happy ending in my story.

  I think it's weird how people who met me in the past 5 years probably think being super awkward and depressed is just part of my personality. I feel like I've lost a good part of my personality,not only because of depression,dysphoria and social anxiety;because I also don't have friends to make each other's traits more pronounced. I'm friends with my brother,but we never talk about serious things,and I have people I talk a bit in college,but we're not really friends.

  I still feel frustrated about my non-transition. It feels everybody gets into the doubt period,goes to a therapist,figures things out,start HRT and then go full time. And here I am,about 5 years after coming out to myself and nothing. I keep imagining how I'd look like if I had started HRT at 14,15,16,17 or a few months ago.

  I saw some pictures of myself as a baby,at about 5 and 12. I was such a pretty child,and while I was sort of awkward at 12 my shoulder/rib cage area was not as wide. I'd be able to grow into my features with female puberty and look beautiful. Now I'll be lucky if I end up being slightly above average. But seeing pictures of my before depression makes me feel awful,I feel bad for the younger me to have to deal with this now.

  I miss being a child or young teen. I could have used my free time to learn some instruments,develop some cool skills,etc. I like how people were more protective of me,adults were nicer,etc. I think because I come across as naive/innocent/shy some people still will treat me like that.

  I keep wondering if I'll ever be able to live on my own,have a group of friends,deal with life like other people,etc. It start to get into my daydreams,even in the different perfects versions of my life,I wonder if I'd still be happy,if I'd be okay about growing older and such. In most of the fantasy lives I have AIS,because I should not be so lucky to be biologically female and be a actress or to have a nice life.

  My favorite daydreams are the island ones,where I get stuck in this island(Ireland looking,not the tropical ones) with a group of people,usually actors I like. I'd get to hang out with interesting people and have no worries. And this reminds me on how I get obsessed about things(like how I'm mentioning daydreaming all the time). Maybe it's my way of dealing with depression. I'll obsess about a movie,actor,etc for a while and then move on,still admiring or liking the obsession,but in a normal way. My thing now is Timothy Hutton,and I just spend some hours liking cute photos and gifs on my tumblr from this tim-deticated account. I'll not reblogg them all now,though,I don't like when I reblogg stuff from the same actor/singer/movie/etc in a row.

  I have some repetitive thoughts,and one of the ways to stop them is to write them down here or any online forum. They're either depressive thoughts,daydreams or random concepts. I'm reading this line I just wrote,and I hate how weird my writing turns out at times,sounds like I'm half asleep or I barely know english. I cringe at some of the stuff I've written here(why did I kept talking about crushes?),I wonder if I'll cringe of the most recent posts in the future.

 Remember the girl I used to talk anonymously online? We never spoke again,I guess we're both too busy with college,but I miss talking to her. I could not mention Ordinary People(I want to talk to someone about it so badly) because I've liked it on facebook and posted two videos of it. I thought by now I'd be passable and would feel more comfortable revealing myself to her. I wonder if I should tell her or not,she will definitely be nice and supportive,but I don't feel like adding more stuff to handle in my life right now.

  I wish I had the balls to at least try to kill myself,even if it's just a cry for help. I'd probably get made feel shameful about it my whole life afterwards,but there's a possibility I'd be put in a mental hospital for a while. Because of my social anxiety I'd probably feel super uncomfortable,but it would be a break from the stress of college.

  I might have a breakdown soon,I keep playing these scenarios in my head about standing up for myself,yelling at people,breaking things,etc. Or that I just start to cry in front of everybody. While I'm pretty sure my depression and social anxiety come from dysphoria,I feel like I'll have to deal with them for the rest of my life. A part of me will always be disappointed with myself and my life as a whole.

 I was thinking of posting some Ordinary People quotes and gifs to make this post ~~fancy~~ but I'm not in the mood right now. I know I should get a therapist but my sessions were so awkward,it's hard for me to open up and talk about personal feelings with someone in a room.

 And this is what happens when you're overwhelmed and have no one to talk to.

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