Depression and a bit more

So, I'm not reading trans blogs as much as I would like,I dont know,I always feels that the day passes too quickly and thaat I miss a lot of things,maybe it is because I have a hard time to concentrate or focus in something...I watch some youtube videos about but usually got myself thinking of thousand of things while I watch a girl and have no idea of what she said,and end up having to watch the video again,and if it is too long,dont watch it until the end,even if I really want to watch it,Im loosing my desire on doing those things more then  before,maybe is the feelings of depression getting stronger.My mom was talking to my grandfather that my brother and I are too alone and that they are worried.I like that they worry about me,I wish I got the strength to explain what is happening to them,or that they force me to do it somehow...
I'm getting tired of living like this,tired of not being able to tell people how I feel.Yesterday,Michel Turtchin(Appeard in a brazilian reality show,works with marketing)had a new profile photo(i think that he is pretty handsome,check his fb to see*-*)and I really wish that I could comment on it(in other photos too).I know that it sound stupid,but I wish that I could write and say what I feel to other people,to know who I am better,so other people could know what I like,dislike...
Maybe my father will travel this week(for work),and maybe it will be good if I come out to my mother only,and then talk with her and then come out with my father with(I hope)my mother's help.It is really stupid that I still do this thing of only say tha I want to come out,but never do it.I feel so retarded,because I know that there is something I can do about my feelings and that Im letting myself turn into the complete opposite of what I always thought that I should be(Like I said before,people say that I look like my father and he is big and manly,and my body is starting to get like that,and already got a bit)...
Writing my feelings in this blog is really helping me,I just want to start therapy and then hormones...
A lot of thing to do for school,and some in groups and with presentation to the entire class(wich I hate)and wating to my chemistry's grade in the last test(worst test so far in this year and maybe in my entire life)...
A lot of thoughts in my head,I wish that I had someone to really trust(that weird annoying guy I told before is cool sometimes but I just can't stand him most of the time,personality and hygiene wise)and that my brother was more accepting of my transition...
Bye

Dealing with my feminine traits

So,since I was little I knew that I was not the typical boyish boy,but I wasn't the typical girlish boy too.I didn't liked(and still don't)football,and don't liked very boyish toys,but didn't like te very girly ones,like I said in My Story post.Maybe I have androgynous manners or something like that because I'm more feminine and delicate then other boys of my age,but is not like "Oh he is gay" type of thing,and sometimes I wonder if I can consider myself "a bit of tomboyish" since I'm not a "full hardcore tomboy",maybe "tomboyish with a feminine side"...
Still not out,planning to do it at least this month.
Bye^^

I don't blame society

Unlike some transexual girls out there I really don't think that my feelings have much to do with society.Of course,society says what is feminine and what is masculine and do have a lot of stereotypes around gender and sexuality,but a lot of transexuals(myself included)doesn't fit the stereotype of the "desired" gender,and sometimes act like the complete opposite of it,and still identify as the "desired" gender.I think that this more of a biological thing(it is still a theory)and I really believe that gender dysphoria is caused by biological "defects" or something like that,and not by "feeling like a feminine boy and wanting to be a girl because society says that girls should act like this",because everbody have their own way of being feminine or masculine.
That's it for today,finally wrote a post about this subject
Really doing hard to let a letter to my parents read before they go to work,and then I would wait to everybody be in the house so we could talk.But I have to be braver(this is really a word?).
Bye
Next Post:Dealing with my feminine traits
And btw,now when I search for "Trans in Distress" my blog is on the first page!Yay!

Hair

My hair(like I said before)is brown(a bit dark but it looks lighter in the sun and it have natural blond highlights because it was blond when I was younger)and it is lightly wavy and is thick,so it is a pain to let grow.It is short but with a tiara I can make it more feminine and cute.I think that my hair will get more wavy as it grows,and maybe will look like this:

I like it that way and I love the color of my hair,but I do like messy and natural straight hair,and I think a platinum blond like this(I love the cut too) would work for me,because I have a fair skin and green eyes(looking from a distance make them look hazel,because of my glasses and mix a bit with the color of my hair).I do like short hair,like the one of the platinum blond picture.
But like I said before,I like the color of my hair and maybe I keep it after go full time.
That's it for today,bye^^

Youtube Girls

Don't forget to check my list of favorite youtube channels for transexuals under the profile and folowers.
Some have great videos to know more about transition,some have daily strugges that can really help you to understand the whole transition,some have hrt effects videos,and some have motivational videos that can really make your day better.
Thanks to Jesslyngirl87,minorqback,ladyvixion1,karmatic1110,urmwhynot,Trannygirl15,BulletForMyValentine,JocelynFreiky and Staciiixful for your awesome youtube channel!
I started with Jesslyn and Lady Vixion videos,then I found the others and I really love their videos,they really make my day and are one of the things that give me hope^^
Bye

A little talk in the car

Tuesday my family and I were going to the mall to meet my uncle,his wife and son(they got to their home since yesterday-they live in another state-).My brother always do some jokes(not to be mean,just sibling thing)that I'm gay or wish to be a girl(that's why I thought he already knew)and he said that I wanted to be a drag and leave school(in our home) and after said that we should went to a nice restaurant so I could find a rich husband(in the car)and my father said that he should stop doing those jokes because we(my brother and I)are in a phase of trying things(maybe he think that we don't have a complete sexuality because we are young,maybe he thinks that my brother's jokes may influence my sexuality).
My brother then asked what would be the problem if I was gay(It really surprised me) and my father said that nobody gets happy with a gay son and my mother said that we are man(looks like for her man is a hetero man,gay are just gay)but she hinted that she would love me still,I guess.
Still with the coming out thing in my mind almost all the time,and the thoughts of how my life would be too.
See you next time^^

Uncle in my house

I dont know if my uncle(his wife and his little son)are going to be to much time here in my house,so maybe I won't be able to come out tomorrow...trying to be brave and do it this week,I watch encouraging videos and read about it but I'm still very afraid,sorry for writing the same thing all the time
see you next time^^

In english again

So,I didn't came out yet,still thinking the best way of do it.I really don't know how my parents will react and the rest of the family(I care about my aunt-mother side- and the woman who take care of me since I was a baby).One thing that made me happy was that my mother thought that it was ridiculous that a gay couple was expelled from the theater but at the same time think that being gay is not "natural" and don't like some gay friendly campaign that want to work with little kids...there is a lot going on right now in Brazil about Jair Bolsonaro,a homophobic politician,and the worst thing is that many people think he is right if you check videos about him in youtube,saying that it is okay to be gay,but not in public,that being gay is being promiscuous and that little children shouldn't be taught about gay people because it would make them gay and all this type of bullshit that really make my blood boil(ignorant comments about other things like atheism)
so thats it...can't come out now because my father is traveling for work
bye^^

Google Translate It

 -If you dont understand Brazilian Portuguese,put this post on google translate,I think you guys will understand it^^
Post em português!Escrevo em inglês mesmo por que assim fica mais fácil para outras pessoas acompanharem o meu blog,mas eu sinto falta de escrever meus sentimentos em português...
Bem,estou pensando em me revelar esse sábado ou amanha...ou sexta mesmo.Estou deixando isso sempre "pra amanha" desde o final do ano passado...eu já podia estar começando a usar hormônios ou quem sabe ainda em terapia,mas pelo menos seria um avanço na minha vida.Daqui a pouco eu e a depressão vamos ter filhos por que se eu não fico no computador ocupando a minha mente ela já vem,eu começo a pensar em todos os momentos especiais da minha vida e como eles podiam ser diferentes e como eu podia estar com amigos legais(tem gente da minha escola que eu quero mesmo ser amigos,principalmente um menino e uma menina da minha turma e de salas diferentes que são bem amigos)e eu tenho a noção que eu seria muito linda se não tivesse passando pela puberdade masculina(ainda tenho chances,pois me acham fofo)mas o corpo já esta peludo e proporcional para um garoto de 15 anos(as mãos são maiores que das meninas mas geralmente menores ou do mesmo tamanho que dos meninos e menores que dos homens adultos,os pés tao enormes)Talvez as mãos sejam uma neura minha e nem sejam tao grandes.Queria ter alguém que me apoiasse,já que meu irmão gêmeo(sempre quis ser a irmão super parecida como nos animes os gêmeos geralmente são) esta meio que negando e aceitando ao mesmo tempo...
Acho que por hoje é isso,pois tenho que dormir daqui a pouco.Quem sabe eu poste em português outra vez,pois como eu vi numa entrevista com o Javier Bardem,quando você fala alguma palavra como "amor"na sua língua natal varias coisas vem em mente,mas quando fala em outra língua não pois você não tem na memoria essa palavra em pratica(momento random)
Ate amanha quem sabe,tchau!

My Parents

About some years(about some time after puberty started) ago my parents started to notice that I am most of the time looking sad or something.And since last year I was even more depressed then before and sometimes they ask me if Im sad or if something happened,and my aunt told me in easter that I look sad and that she feels bad because she feels like she want to help but doesnt know what to do.Last year,because of my bad grades in Math,Physics and Chemistry(Devil's Triad lol)he asked me if there were something wrong in school but I coundnt say "I feel I should be a girl" or something like that...Yesterday they asked me again if I was sad or I was with problems in school...I feel good because this show that they are worried and they want to help me...maybe they will accept me,just dont know much about my brother,because sometimes he doesnt mind talking to me about my feelings but sometimes he says he doesnt want to talk about and is kinda rude...
That's it for today,wish my luck in those tests and see you tomorrow maybe^^

Gay Talk

  That annoying guy from school that I talk(because he think Im his friend,and I feel kinda bad for him) to is kinda homophobic,no matter how many times I say that queer is offensive he still cal gay people like that,and often say he think it gross and that is unnatural,at least he say that he respect(?) gay people.
He told me that he dont know what to talk to a gay guy.I was like wtf,because he said "I cant talk about football and woman" but he doesnt even like football!and he sometimes try to talk about woman and sex with me,and I say I dont like to talk about that,but he sometimes tries to do it.It disgusting,because is very retarded looking and sometimes talk about woman like he is trying to prove me that he is "cool" I guess(because people make fun of him sometimes).
He is bearable,most of the time he is hella annoying,and is kinda homophobic...I have this problem,I have a hard time trying to say what I really think to people,I dont know why(ok I told him my point of view calmly and already told him that he is annoying sometimes)but in the same time I feel bad because he doesnt have friends
Just for the records,Im not bullied(my mother think that Im am and thats why Im depressed)because Im kinda androgynous in manners,and Im just quiet and shy,not weird :)
Sorry if I sound rude in this post

Nothing to say

So,since here in Brazil we cant choose the classes we want to take,I studied this afternoon for a physics test because my grade this bimonthly and a chemistry one in saturday morning...it sucks
Im not trying to say that I suck at this classes because Im trans,but I have almost zero motivation and Im really depressed,and Im trying hard to let the letter in a place that my parents can read when Im at school(they woke up with me and my brother and I and my dad give us a ride to school(then he go back to our house and then go to work),and my mother picks up there(she works almost all day too)so they have time to read it in the morning I guess,and I can wait to talk better when they both are home...but I dont know how lunch would be(my mother lunch with me before getting back to work,so I dont know)
This saturday I have that test,and my brother,mother and father are going to be home I guess,so maybe is a good idea to let the letter there and they all can read it.
My brother still think that I shouldnt come out,that I should wait when I get my own house and stuff,at least he is starting to accept it,and I think that he finally understood that I like man(he thought that I liked woman because I usually talk about that not all trans like man and stuff)