terça-feira, 3 de julho de 2012

Sometimes It Feels Like Giving Up

 Most of the time I just can't picture myself happy,living a normal life that I wish everyday.I keep looking at myself in the mirror,and wonder how much will I change by the time I'm 18.Like I said a thousand of times,my hands are large with a very masculine shape.The feet are very large too,but they don't appear as much as hands,although I know buying shoes will be awful.My issue is,I look a lot like my father when he was younger,and I have the same body type.I'm tall,very very hairy and my shoulders are getting bigger,while my hips not so much(inverted triangle.although my shoulders are slightly bigger then hips),voice getting deeper.His hands are HUGE.I'm not exasperating,they are not only long,but extremely thick and fat.There is no way someone could pass with his build.
 Besides the looks,I don't know if people will treat me different.I'm very shy,how I'll react to nasty comments or just a polite question?My country does have quite some hate crimes toward gay people,I have to admit it scares me.All I do is just daydream of either having coming out earlier and living as female already,or have being born female,but not fertile,that would be too much luck.
 I feel that I'll be on of those weirdos that people whisper about at break time on their work,or when they go out with their friends.I'll probably be at home all the time,playing video games...
 Small update,my father said that he will be getting a therapist for me soon,but still talked about how most transwomen are prostitutes,and he doesn't believed when I said I stayed away from trans websites,he always thinks he's right and know if I'm lying or not,it's really annoying.

Just a rant with a update.

5 comentários:

  1. People just THINK that most trans women are prostitutes and that we're destined to live in the margins of society. It's totally not like that. It's him who should be doing his homework instead of sticking to prejudices.

    I think it might be good for you to start hrt in any way you can, even if it's not the proper way. Some doctors may be willing to help even if you aren't referred by a therapist. Or you may be able to get them w/o a prescription. Just be creative. We all go through some of this shit.

    And most of all, don't lose hope. I know that right now you think you'll never pass with this r that characteristic of your body, but in the end passing is easier than it seems. People don't stand scrutinizing your every detail to find out whether you're trans or cis. But well, probably you'll find that out later.

    I wish you all the best, girl!

  2. Thanks for the comment,Brenda :)
    I guess my father is more scared about me having no job,he said he would not be so worried about transition if he could support me financially,in case I could not get a job.
    I'm not sure about the illegal hormones,but I would love to get at least T Blockers,but I have no friend circle or anyone that I know that could help me with it.

    1. Hi again Siul! :)
      Yes, I understand. But really you could try showing him examples of trans people who succeeded in their careers. There are LOTS of examples but people only focus on those who made money through their bodies (either as prostitutes or models, etc). You already know it but people sometimes really don't know that there are trans engineers, doctors, lawyers, accountants, etc. And that their just somewhat stealth or not shouting around their trans-status. It might help him to understand that.

      Also about the hormones/T-blockers... I really don't know how these things work in Brazil. But down here in Argentina it's not like I'm doing anything illegal or faking prescriptions or anything. I just go tho the pharmacist's and buy them. Very very few times over the more than 2 years I've been doing it has it happened to me that they refused to sell me the hormones (and they never refused to sell the spiro bc they just think it's a diuretic only). If I were to do it the "legal" way with a proper prescription and all the only difference for me (besides the obvious safety of doing it right) would be that I might have to pay a bit less for the medicines bc the "obra social" (sort of a part of our social security system) might take some 40% of the cost. Saying "illegal hormones" sounds like something scary where you have to get it from the black market through a Mexican narco or something hahah but it's not always like that! ;) And I certainly didn't need any contacts or influential friends. I know your situation may be different (and you're also quite a bit younger than I am) but sometimes things are easier than they seem.

  3. I really don't know if you need subscription,but being underage don't help much.
    I'll try to find more information about it,at the same time I feel I'll my parents will loose their trust on me if I start hormones without their knowing.
    Anyway,thanks for commenting,I'll see what I can do about hormones :)

    1. Yes, trust is an issue, too. It wasn't for my, as they had already lost all trust in me because "I didn't tell them I was trans as a child so 'they would've cured me'". So, I already didn't give a fuck what they would think when I went on HRT.

      I don't think that being underage is that much of an issue... after all they don't ask you for your ID when you go buy them. And really most people just get creative and get their hormones in the most varied ways... I hear some go and ask for contraceptive pills ("for their girlfriends" if they are presenting male) or something (not that I'd recommend that way of administration, but anyway). Oftentimes all it takes is being determined enough.
      I'm sorry that I can't give you precise advice, but things in Brazil probably work differently than here.