quarta-feira, 22 de fevereiro de 2012

Thinking about my life,my old Fantasy World

 Looking at myself now,I still can't believe that I'm already 16,I feel like 13 years old.I have no experience when it comes to dating,but still I think that even as a cisgender girl I would wait for the right guy,hooking up with thousand of guys doesn't seem nice to me.But other experiences,going out in a party,going to the mall or to an event like a Haru Matsuri or something like that in a park with friends,I thought I would have at least a close and fun friend beside my brother.I had two imaginary boyfriends.One I would had met at 13,he was new to the school I used to study before high school.He was 14/15,tall,dark blonde and fair skin with blue eyes.The other one was recent,a younger version of Bradley Cooper,a bisexual and friendly guy that I would meet at my old therapist.I feel stupid thinking about it,but still,I never had these fun teen episodes in my life,I spend my whole day at home,and if I go out is with my parents.
 Untill 13 my life was happy.I studied so long in the same school that it looked like that I pent much more time of my life there,and even thought that time would not pass,and my life would be like that for the eternity.I was friends with everybody in my class,was much more outspoken,but still shy(small school,tiny class).During the day I would go to this perfect world,were I was a girl,a beautiful girl that looked a lot like my aunt(mother side,looks like Kate Capshaw in Indiana Jones).I was smarter then I already was(the school was pretty easy,I didn't studied at all and was one of the top in my class),I was way more confident,I would stand up for myself and speak my mind,but still being polite most of the time.At 14,the new school was bigger,different people and was way harder,so I had to focus on studying.I lost my best friend,I could not speak in front of the class like I did before,and worst,my body became much more masculine.In my head,I was this delicate and feminine girl,but now my hand and feet got larger,more hair started to cover my body,I got wider,etc,etc.I thought that somehow,I would not turn into a grown guy,that someway I would turn into this girl of my dreams.I still escaped to this dreamland.I was friend with my crush and his female best friend,I talked a little with everyone and would say my opinion in discussions,not only listen.
 I started to realize that only dreaming and waiting would not help me.I started looking for information about coming out and the whole transition process.Now I knew that you can't fully transition in a matter of months,that getting hormones is not easy,that transsexuals could be average and decent people.I created a youtube channel and started watching videos,how much they helped me.I could relate to a lot of things those girls were saying,my favorite vlog being jesslyngirl87.How I would love to be like her,and to start my own transition.It took me months to come out,almost a year I guess.My mothers reaction only got me more distant from my dream,and my father saying that I was being manipulated by internet people hurted a lot,it was like being called dumb.Even my mother told me once that she admires that I'm not the mindless teen that changes and follows whats "hot",but now they told me this.I asked for my father to talk to a therapist,but he said he would find another one,he said it would have experience in trans subject.When I get to my first appointment,she never treated a transsexual.She seemed open minded,but the therapy was getting in a different course,being about how I became transsexual,and again,I felt more and more distant from my dream.
I found a GT now,and I'm waiting for my father's response.I admit that I still go to this dreamland,but now I'm just like my real me,but started transition earlier.I admit that I should accept my sittuation,but it helps me to sleep something,imaging a better version of my life.
 All I want is to be happy,is to be me,finally.I know that the years I lost will never comeback,no matter how much I dream of having happy 2 years of high school.But still,as soon I start hormones,sooner I will get to live as me,my goal now is start college,even having less than a year for hormones effects,let's hope I have good genetics.
Just wanted to vent about this,it could be a biography if I wanted,but writing again about my childhood it would be useless,it was happy,I wasn't a tough boy but still not visibly too feminine.Thanks for reading,it makes me feel so good to write things down,I don't have someone to talk face to face about it,I hope I will get in those transsexual group meetings.I have to admit,this online searching that started as "how to tell my parents I'm transgender" in Google to a blog,youtube channel and account at Laura's(I've been looking for a forum like this since my first searchs online,I wish I found it earlier than last year)was better than any therapy,I watched and read things that made me think about myself and my life that no therapy will be able to do.Thanks all of you who helped me in this journey,who is just about to start if everything goes well,I'm even talking(anonymously) to that female best friend in msn,and I'm planning to come out to her.
A little update and "rant"

ps:sorry for bad writting and grammar :)

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