My life

Got my last project before graduating, haven't even started even though I have less than a month to do it. I'm getting more and more caught up in my fantasy world instead of trying to do something. A few days ago I started to think something to myself, like how cool is that I got to visit this and that country, only to realize that's something from my dream world. It never happened in real life and it never will.

I'm not sure how long I can take knowing I'll never live that life, that everyday is going to be a disappointment, I'll never have the looks I want, the job, the life, anything. Knowing everyday I'll wake up miserable, ugly, fat, toothless, balding, with crocodile skin and no accomplishments. I'll just keep getting older and even fatter and ugglier.

I really wish I could just die already, my life is only getting worse, there's no fixing it and I don't want to stick around to find out what kind of pathetic looser I'll become.

Lost hope

I always say I'm clinging to one small hope of being able to have a happy life as myself in the future, but I'm pretty sure that hope is gone now. I can't see myself transitioning successfully, ever. I'll just stay as I am, living a mediocre life as a man while living in my head to try to make myself feel better. I can't even browse trans forums without getting angry at all the 13-17 year olds getting support from their parents and have a chance I'll never have.

Even if I transition I'll never have anyone's support. And even if my parents would support me now I'll never forgive them for the way they handled things since I came out. The way they ignored my pain and did the absolute least so they can say they tried and now it's all on me. This could have been a opportunity to bring us together and makes us a stronger family. Even if they were to tell me tomorrow that they support me and will help me out with everything I don't think I'll ever want a actual relationship with them beside being cordial with each other.

They always bragged with others on how much of a amazing kid I was, that I was smart, polite, never got into trouble. The one time I become "troubled"I get zero support and harsh words. Reading past entries I still can't believe some of the shit I've heard from them on their many hissy fits. I opened up to them and got nothing in return. They still act clueless and just complain about how emotionless I am or how I lack drive.

My brother didn't show much support, he's not transphobic but he had a immature reaction to me coming out, makes jokes from time to time that hurt my feelings and sometimes will jokingly try to get my mother angry at me, even though he's aware of all the problems we have. Sometimes when I'm talking he'll roll his eyes or just be plain rude for no reason.

At least I can say I was a happy kid until I was 14ish, and of course my mother loves to throw that in my face and wonder why I am the way I am today. My parents are difficult people to live with, you have to walk in eggshells everyday and hope you don't set them off, so I'd probably have a shitty relationship with them even if I was cis.

Sometimes I want to make a huge coming out facebook post just to get them angry, and so that if I kill myself people will know the reason.  I wonder what bullshit excuse they would use if that happened, and how much they would claim they tried their best to help me only for people to comfort them that they have no blame, etc.

I wish I was brave enough to at least attempt suicide with pill overdose. I'll get to be on the hospital for a while, in a shared room though. They would probably make it all about themselves, my father would finally get me in that past memories bullshit therapy he's dying to get me in. My mother would take any opportunity to use it to hurt me in arguments and my brother would joke about it. And then things would go back to how they are now.

Brand new exciting post

So I've been watching this on repeat for almost a hour or maybe more while listening to Madeleine Peyroux, Ella Fitzgerald, Joni Mitchell, etc and it's just a continuation of my last post with more of my usual pathetic complains. It just hit me I'll never have that, that first pure love, the perfect life I want, no matter how many time I waste daydreaming and wishing so hard for it to come true one day, it will never will. I wonder if I'll ever be able to let go of those fantasies, reality is ugly and I'm afraid I'll never embrace it.

The daydreams will never be enough, I can't fully create a life in my head, specially the one I want to live. They might hold me back and prevent me from doing anything, but what is worth in life without them? I don't want to transitions and end up ugly, depressed and not well adjusted. I don't want to hear people's nasty opinions about me, I don't want to have a mediocre life looking like trash.

I want to stop the pain, I can't stand being numb all day only to get a rush of anxiety at night. I want to break things, I want to cry for hours, yell as loud as I can for as long as I can, I want to say things I've been holding back, I want to explode and fly away.

I used to be happy, I had such a happy childhood, why do I have to be like this now? I wish I had a happy early adulthood at least. I want life to be exciting and happy, I don't want to have such a awful view of the world, I'm tired of feeling like this all the time. I'm tired of obsessing over things and people to fill my pathetic life with some meaning. I'm tired of having the body I have with all it's flaws.

How long will I be able to handle everything if the bad outweigh the good. I don't want to feel like this until I die, but I don't think I'm strong enough to fight, I always give up if things are too hard, I have no confidence in myself, I'm lazy. What's point of existing if this is how I'm supposed to feel.

I can't stop thinking about time passing, about how meaningless and claustrophobic the universe is and how after I die I'll return to nothing as if all of my life never even happened. Why can't I have a normal happy life where I never have those thoughts. I hate myself for sometimes thinking that maybe that's how everyone is supposed to feel and I can't stand it, it's such a smug stupid though. As if I needed more reasons to hate myself and be unlikable to people.

But I'm a idiot who will continue to live my life the same way until I die. I'll keep hiding in my head, living through my daydreams until I get murdered, run over by a car, have a heart attack, etc. Everybody sees me as fat sack of meat with no personality that's just a burden to people and I should be ashamed of myself. I feel like a parasite. I want to stop existing but I don't want to die. I don't add a thing to the world by being alive.

But don't worry that despite being suicidal I'll never kill myself, beside of being afraid of death, as I said, I'm lazy and quit when things start to get difficult, so that's never happening. I hate being somewhat a stereotype but sometimes I wish I'd just take a bunch a pills so I'd have to be taken to the hospital.

That probably would only give me more problems but at least it would be something new. Unlike this post which is a variation of all my recent posts complaining about the same things. I'm tired of being myself and having to deal with my bullshit everyday. At least it's raining now and I have no classes tomorrow (don't get me started on the whole "have no idea what to do for my last project/4 years went by so fast/didn't lived college life to the fullest/made no friends/don't want it to be over/etc/etc/etc) so I'll try to have a nice night of sleep.

If there's something I wish more than anything is that when you die you go to live in a lucid dream. You can live out all your fantasies, and take some "time" to rest in between.  At least all my suffering would have a pay off and I'd have something to look forward to that would make me happy again for the first time in years.

Romance

I've said this before here but I don't really think I'll ever live a romance. Either because I'll never love someone and surely because no one will ever love me in a romantic way. I like to listen to music with romantic lyrics to create this scenarios where I'm a girl and those lyrics are for my loved one.

I think it was two years ago I posted about daydreaming about being on a weekend trip to a small coastal town with a young Timothy Hutton after listening to We've Only Just Begun. I'm over him now, and with a new guy in mind so again I'm making up these scenarios again. (it's a got actor good sis look it up). There's a tiny age difference me and meeting him in my main fantasy life would make sense. It would take luck but it would not be impossible. I don't know if he's just aging weirdly or just needs to loose a little weight to get back to his 2013-2014ish look.

It's kinda greedy for me to want this life, I'd not only be my true self but the best version of it, a exciting career just starting, traveling all over the world, having my first romance. I'd have CAIS but compared to my current situation that would be heaven.

The whole idea of the first romance is so exciting for me. The first time holding hands, first date, first kiss, first time meeting his parents, etc. It's intense but so pure at the same time, even if it start to become a sexual relationship it just seems like to people having a lot of first time experiences together and taking every opportunity to express their love for each other. Actually having such a strong feeling for someone and to have them feel the same, it sounds so nice.

Funny thing I can't really picture a fantasy life in the long run with them, I think the blue eyes, skinny guy with somewhat delicate but sharp features thing only works for me if it's the actual first love or one of the first ones. And I feel like a idiot for posting this, but if I don't I'll keep going this through in my head until I come up with the best way to write it down.

It could make for a good post but I'd rather have a good night of sleep. Didn't went to my classes last week, but I only have 3 days now, since it's the last semester with the big project. I still have no idea what to do, still sad that's it's all going to be over soon and my life has not changed a bit. Maybe with time I'll just get used to being miserable all the time and find peace in some way. I'm tired of feeling like this and looking like this.

💤💤💤

Classes start very soon. We're in August already, the year just passed by so quickly, it still feels like December was just a couple of months ago, the beginning of the year. I really hate feeling all this anxiety about college and time passing on top of the usual dysphoria and depression.

And the whole feeling of not making the most of college, realizing three years (and soon four) passed so quickly, that even though I barely spoke to people I'll miss some of them. Knowing I'll never get those years back as the person I wish I was. I'm still young but how long will I be able to have the "whole life ahead" excuse? My lack of social life will only get worst as I age, god knows what kind of shit place I'll end up working. As I get older I understand the appeal of high school though.

Every student is in "equal ground". You are all students at the same school, all studying the same subjects with mostly similar routine. Your personality, likes, dislikes and quirks are what define you.
You can have all sort of future plans and not have to worry too much because you're still super young. Being successful means having good grades or doing well at a after-school activity like a sport or something. You're enjoying life and figuring things out, you don't have to worry about long-term careers, lack of life experiences, etc.

I'm 20 and I've never traveled outside of the southern part of my country, how long until I get there? I know I'll never see a lot of cool places all over the world in person, I'll miss out on a lot of things. But at 14 that was normal, and it get's sadder each passing year.

Really wish I did had happy high school years, it was when all went to shit in my life, and I'm probably going to miss out my 20s too. I know I have some outlandish fantasy lives in my daydreams but sometimes a simple, content life would be enough. I don't want to be in pain everyday for the rest of my life. I don't want to take 30 years to get some progress.

I feel so betrayed by my family, to have opened up to them about being trans and wanting help for them to make a shitty attempt just to clear their consciousness and sweep it under the rug so they get to give me shit day after day about being lazy, unmotivated, sad all the time, etc. I feel like I'm latching into the idea that you get to live out your dreams once you die.

Life worth living

There's this guy I "follow" on instagram that has such a perfect life. He lives in a big, global city, has a interesting job, busy social life, travels a lot, got lots of friends and seems to get along very well with his family. And take some pretty good pictures too. He's like the poster child for the perfect 30 something high middle class american guy, specially when he posts pictures of him growing up with his family. like something legit out of a sitcom.

It's not a bad envy, I don't hold anything against him, it just makes me wish I had that too. An interesting life that I could look back to when I'm older and feel proud and happy I got to experience those moments. I really doubt I'll ever get there, I'm almost settling for mediocre at best. I'm starting to become more obssessed with age, I'm always counting how long until I'm 30.

I needed to write this down to see if I'll stop thinking about it. I got third place at this competition at college, other than that nothing new to report.

Time Passing

It started to weird me out that I'm 20 already, turning 21 at the end of the year. It's weird thinking people in their early twenties are my age now, not 5 years older. It's weird not being 15 or 17 anymore, back then in 10 years I'd be 25, now I'll be 30. I'm five years older than a 15 year old now, it's weird. I feel like the whole "having your life ahead of you" thing doesn't apply anymore, like any problems I had before were okay because I was only a teen, now I'm 20, 21, 22, 23, etc and I feel like I have to handle everything.

🌟 Happy Places 🌟

I had a "happy place" in my mind ever since I was little. Even though I was a happy child whenever I went to take a shower I would imagine this place, filled with mist and water stream sounds, dome shaped, the size of a small-medium bedroom. One half would be a lake with hot water and only very smooth and clean pebbles on the ground. The other half with be grassy with a tree at the right side and the left side would be covered in bamboo. A few animals like birds, squirrels and a panda would live on that side while I'd relax on the water all the time. To any outsider it would look like a large stone, and it could exist even in space or in case of the universe ending.

I always wanted to be able to go there to run away from my problems, not have to worry about anything, just enjoy the warm water and relaxing sounds to sleep, wake up sleepy only to go back to sleep over and over again.

Because of this I love the american version of Dark Water, I love the gloomy atmosphere, the always rainy cloudy sky, dry trees, dreary and gritty hallways and rooms that have a charm of their own. I can imagine myself and a woman as beautiful as Jennifer Connelly living in a place like that, working in a boring office job only to come to my boring-cozy apartment  to go online while looking at the window. Something about cold, dreary, monotonous, boring places like that attract me.

I'd love to just wake up the next day as a brand new person, a woman of course, and try to adapt to this new life, and this woman being a somewhat lonely person that live in a place like I mentioned sounds exciting. I think the loneliness of the whole thing is what attracted me, that I could live in a place like that all by myself, going trough a easy no-brainer routine and life would go on and I would barely pay attention to time passing. I already life inside my own head so I might as well do it in a more carefree life where I like how I look.

Of course I want a functional happy life in a exciting place ideally but a lot of times all I want is that depressive scenario to be able to relax and be myself. It would be better for me to have that as a life goal since that would be the most positive outcome of my life that way things are going.

Sometimes I wonder if people come across my blog by accident, read some of my stuff and feel down, like they get to take a look at my life at 14-15 when I still had hope and now is one depressed post after the other. Is it something they'll talk about in a AskReddit thread or in a Saturday night chat with their friends? I like to see how so many places in the world have checked my blog, it's the closest I'll ever get of my fantasy of being a moderately famous international actress. If I was pretty I'd definitely vlog about my non-transition. If only I didn't got fucked up by puberty, I'd have a slim build and a actual neck, but now I'm stocky and neckless and hairy with falling hair, super dry scaly skin and 10 shitty teeth.

I know It has nothing to do with the post but it just came up in my head, I ruined a semi-interesting post but I'm not feeling like waiting until tomorrow to post just a paragraph. But writing things out always makes me feel better. That's all for now.

Small happenings

A few weeks ago I had an assignment where I had to draw something using a object as a part of the drawing, so I got a round-ish rock and drew a sea turtle's head and limbs around it so it looked like it's shell. The teacher chose it among other three for all students to pick and make a creative two page ad with one of the drawings. A group used it for a transgender awareness ad, which was very sweet since and a bit funny since they have no idea I was the one who did it(teacher didn't told who drew the ones she picked) and that I'm trans, though they have little idea of who I am anyways since it's my first class with them.

Last night I went to bed after watching Rhapsody in August at around 23:40 and woke up suddenly at midnight. I never woke up this scared in my life, last time was when I was around 5 and had a nightmare a snake bit my neck. I remember very little on how I ended up sleeping, though I could remember a dream where I found a note saying something along the lines of "I left the house you're alone you should leave now".

I left the tv on discovery id so it was showing some crime show, and I'm still not sure if it was just me hallucinating from waking up so suddenly but this guy on the talking head part of the show had fully white eyes. I had no idea what was going on for a few minutes, I just looked at the tv and around me absolutely terrified, I never felt so scared before, I kept asking my brother what was going on because I had no idea what was going on.

A few minutes latter I figured out I slept and just woke up scared for some reason but I still went back to sleep scared something was going to happen, like a maniac in a costume would appear and kill everyone.

I should update my dream journal again, but I'm not sure I remember my username on the forum I used to post.

Lifestyle

I was just thinking about this now, so I want to write it down right away so I won't have this stuck in my head for the weekend. After paying attention to some people at college and taking a look at this reporter/book writer's instagram page. He's in his mid thirties and it got me thinking that his life now is sort of how I see some of my colleagues in the future. By then they will have traveled to so many places, worked on really great projects in amazing agencies, have fun with long-time friends, etc.

I wish I had that sort of lifestyle. Laid back, working with something creative like design, having friends from different groups for different activities and hobbies, traveling to new places, having all kinds of new life experiences.

Those people enjoy life, they get to do interesting things, meet interesting people, make memories, etc. I don't think I'll ever have that kind of life. I'll always be that person that speaks very little with everyone else at works (working somewhere shitty too), goes straight back home and never does anything fun. And by the time I'm in my mid thirties I will probably have achieved nothing, no friends, no travels, no life experiences.

It makes me sad I'll never have a youth to remember and will be even more depressed and jaded by the time I'm over 20. I'll envy that kind of people so much more because they will still be getting enjoyment out of life while I'll feel old and disgusting and regretful I didn't had a blast at college and it's been 15 years and I haven't evolved one bit.

Being young is the only thing I got going for me, I don't how I'll handle loosing that.

😢

College is back and my anxiety is getting hard to handle. I'll be in class and start thinking how my college experience is ending, missing the last few years and wishing I could have been able to live all that as myself. I get anxious about how busy this year is going to be too.

I know I can come back after transitioning but will not be the same thing, I've said this one hundred times but even if I don't ever speak with most people in my class I'm used to have them as classmates, hearing their drama and everything. I hate the feeling that's all over and that I'll regret not enjoying myself for the rest of my life.

Had something shitty happen where I intern, I was pretty much yelling and cursing in my head for nearly 2 hours straight by how angry that made me feel. I had one good thing happen a few days before so it feels things are just balancing out to be shitty again.

It's bizarre to think three years passed by so quickly, I try to remember which class I had in which semester and I keep mixing things up. Now changing subjects I just wish we could live in a extremely convincing lucid dream after dying, I could live out all the fantasies I have, the mundane, the impossible and the fantastical ones.

I'm tired of feeling negative emotions most of the time, to be so uncomfortable and miserable. I don't want to feel all this pain.

☾

I want to start this post with a apology to some of the people who's comments I never replied or replied wrong so you probably never got a notification. I didn't meant to be rude or ignore you guys, and I'm sorry that every time you come to my blog it's always the same bulshit.


I wish I had a social life. I'm a bit of a homebody but I can picture myself having fun going out with friends, even on clubs in few times. I always like to imagine what would be like to live in the United States or England or whatever but there's so much to do in my city.

I keep trying to imagine what is like to be a normal person that has friends and goes out and it's all so bizarre to me. Having multiple groups of friends, going to the museum or any new event, being known to people, travelling, etc. It all sounds exciting but so alien to me.

I have this short images on my mind of people having fun and being social and it makes me feel so shitty. It's like a nostalgia for something I haven't experienced, I try to build on those images to daydream but I have no life experience to back it up, so I just try to avoid those thoughts but it makes me so frustrated.

I wish I didn't had to worry about transitioning or anything related to being trans because that only makes it all so much complicated. I want to do all those things as myself, not as I am right now. I have zero social life experience as a teenager or adult and I'm 20 years old. I'll never have that life long tight group of friends when I'm older to meet and chat about new things and the good memories. I won't have candid pictures of me looking silly with my friends at a party or anything like that.

It feels so unfair to me, I wasn't like this from the start, I was a normal kid and now I'm completely destroyed by depression, anxiety and dysphoria. I was never a social butterfly but I could talk to people, make friends and enjoy life.

And things will only keep getting worst as I grow older. Before I was growing but no really getting "older", like I was going from 17 to 18. But now I'll go to 22, 23, 24, 28 , 34, etc. And the older I get the clearer it will be how fucked up I am.