So I've been watching this on repeat for almost a hour or maybe more while listening to Madeleine Peyroux, Ella Fitzgerald, Joni Mitchell, etc and it's just a continuation of my last post with more of my usual pathetic complains. It just hit me I'll never have that, that first pure love, the perfect life I want, no matter how many time I waste daydreaming and wishing so hard for it to come true one day, it will never will. I wonder if I'll ever be able to let go of those fantasies, reality is ugly and I'm afraid I'll never embrace it.
The daydreams will never be enough, I can't fully create a life in my head, specially the one I want to live. They might hold me back and prevent me from doing anything, but what is worth in life without them? I don't want to transitions and end up ugly, depressed and not well adjusted. I don't want to hear people's nasty opinions about me, I don't want to have a mediocre life looking like trash.
I want to stop the pain, I can't stand being numb all day only to get a rush of anxiety at night. I want to break things, I want to cry for hours, yell as loud as I can for as long as I can, I want to say things I've been holding back, I want to explode and fly away.
I used to be happy, I had such a happy childhood, why do I have to be like this now? I wish I had a happy early adulthood at least. I want life to be exciting and happy, I don't want to have such a awful view of the world, I'm tired of feeling like this all the time. I'm tired of obsessing over things and people to fill my pathetic life with some meaning. I'm tired of having the body I have with all it's flaws.
How long will I be able to handle everything if the bad outweigh the good. I don't want to feel like this until I die, but I don't think I'm strong enough to fight, I always give up if things are too hard, I have no confidence in myself, I'm lazy. What's point of existing if this is how I'm supposed to feel.
I can't stop thinking about time passing, about how meaningless and claustrophobic the universe is and how after I die I'll return to nothing as if all of my life never even happened. Why can't I have a normal happy life where I never have those thoughts. I hate myself for sometimes thinking that maybe that's how everyone is supposed to feel and I can't stand it, it's such a smug stupid though. As if I needed more reasons to hate myself and be unlikable to people.
But I'm a idiot who will continue to live my life the same way until I die. I'll keep hiding in my head, living through my daydreams until I get murdered, run over by a car, have a heart attack, etc. Everybody sees me as fat sack of meat with no personality that's just a burden to people and I should be ashamed of myself. I feel like a parasite. I want to stop existing but I don't want to die. I don't add a thing to the world by being alive.
But don't worry that despite being suicidal I'll never kill myself, beside of being afraid of death, as I said, I'm lazy and quit when things start to get difficult, so that's never happening. I hate being somewhat a stereotype but sometimes I wish I'd just take a bunch a pills so I'd have to be taken to the hospital.
That probably would only give me more problems but at least it would be something new. Unlike this post which is a variation of all my recent posts complaining about the same things. I'm tired of being myself and having to deal with my bullshit everyday. At least it's raining now and I have no classes tomorrow (don't get me started on the whole "have no idea what to do for my last project/4 years went by so fast/didn't lived college life to the fullest/made no friends/don't want it to be over/etc/etc/etc) so I'll try to have a nice night of sleep.
If there's something I wish more than anything is that when you die you go to live in a lucid dream. You can live out all your fantasies, and take some "time" to rest in between. At least all my suffering would have a pay off and I'd have something to look forward to that would make me happy again for the first time in years.