terça-feira, 16 de agosto de 2016

Lost hope

I always say I'm clinging to one small hope of being able to have a happy life as myself in the future, but I'm pretty sure that hope is gone now. I can't see myself transitioning successfully, ever. I'll just stay as I am, living a mediocre life as a man while living in my head to try to make myself feel better. I can't even browse trans forums without getting angry at all the 13-17 year olds getting support from their parents and have a chance I'll never have.

Even if I transition I'll never have anyone's support. And even if my parents would support me now I'll never forgive them for the way they handled things since I came out. The way they ignored my pain and did the absolute least so they can say they tried and now it's all on me. This could have been a opportunity to bring us together and makes us a stronger family. Even if they were to tell me tomorrow that they support me and will help me out with everything I don't think I'll ever want a actual relationship with them beside being cordial with each other.

They always bragged with others on how much of a amazing kid I was, that I was smart, polite, never got into trouble. The one time I become "troubled"I get zero support and harsh words. Reading past entries I still can't believe some of the shit I've heard from them on their many hissy fits. I opened up to them and got nothing in return. They still act clueless and just complain about how emotionless I am or how I lack drive.

My brother didn't show much support, he's not transphobic but he had a immature reaction to me coming out, makes jokes from time to time that hurt my feelings and sometimes will jokingly try to get my mother angry at me, even though he's aware of all the problems we have. Sometimes when I'm talking he'll roll his eyes or just be plain rude for no reason.

At least I can say I was a happy kid until I was 14ish, and of course my mother loves to throw that in my face and wonder why I am the way I am today. My parents are difficult people to live with, you have to walk in eggshells everyday and hope you don't set them off, so I'd probably have a shitty relationship with them even if I was cis.

Sometimes I want to make a huge coming out facebook post just to get them angry, and so that if I kill myself people will know the reason.  I wonder what bullshit excuse they would use if that happened, and how much they would claim they tried their best to help me only for people to comfort them that they have no blame, etc.

I wish I was brave enough to at least attempt suicide with pill overdose. I'll get to be on the hospital for a while, in a shared room though. They would probably make it all about themselves, my father would finally get me in that past memories bullshit therapy he's dying to get me in. My mother would take any opportunity to use it to hurt me in arguments and my brother would joke about it. And then things would go back to how they are now.

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