segunda-feira, 1 de agosto de 2016


Classes start very soon. We're in August already, the year just passed by so quickly, it still feels like December was just a couple of months ago, the beginning of the year. I really hate feeling all this anxiety about college and time passing on top of the usual dysphoria and depression.

And the whole feeling of not making the most of college, realizing three years (and soon four) passed so quickly, that even though I barely spoke to people I'll miss some of them. Knowing I'll never get those years back as the person I wish I was. I'm still young but how long will I be able to have the "whole life ahead" excuse? My lack of social life will only get worst as I age, god knows what kind of shit place I'll end up working. As I get older I understand the appeal of high school though.

Every student is in "equal ground". You are all students at the same school, all studying the same subjects with mostly similar routine. Your personality, likes, dislikes and quirks are what define you.
You can have all sort of future plans and not have to worry too much because you're still super young. Being successful means having good grades or doing well at a after-school activity like a sport or something. You're enjoying life and figuring things out, you don't have to worry about long-term careers, lack of life experiences, etc.

I'm 20 and I've never traveled outside of the southern part of my country, how long until I get there? I know I'll never see a lot of cool places all over the world in person, I'll miss out on a lot of things. But at 14 that was normal, and it get's sadder each passing year.

Really wish I did had happy high school years, it was when all went to shit in my life, and I'm probably going to miss out my 20s too. I know I have some outlandish fantasy lives in my daydreams but sometimes a simple, content life would be enough. I don't want to be in pain everyday for the rest of my life. I don't want to take 30 years to get some progress.

I feel so betrayed by my family, to have opened up to them about being trans and wanting help for them to make a shitty attempt just to clear their consciousness and sweep it under the rug so they get to give me shit day after day about being lazy, unmotivated, sad all the time, etc. I feel like I'm latching into the idea that you get to live out your dreams once you die.

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