I had a "happy place" in my mind ever since I was little. Even though I was a happy child whenever I went to take a shower I would imagine this place, filled with mist and water stream sounds, dome shaped, the size of a small-medium bedroom. One half would be a lake with hot water and only very smooth and clean pebbles on the ground. The other half with be grassy with a tree at the right side and the left side would be covered in bamboo. A few animals like birds, squirrels and a panda would live on that side while I'd relax on the water all the time. To any outsider it would look like a large stone, and it could exist even in space or in case of the universe ending.
I always wanted to be able to go there to run away from my problems, not have to worry about anything, just enjoy the warm water and relaxing sounds to sleep, wake up sleepy only to go back to sleep over and over again.
Because of this I love the american version of Dark Water, I love the gloomy atmosphere, the always rainy cloudy sky, dry trees, dreary and gritty hallways and rooms that have a charm of their own. I can imagine myself and a woman as beautiful as Jennifer Connelly living in a place like that, working in a boring office job only to come to my boring-cozy apartment to go online while looking at the window. Something about cold, dreary, monotonous, boring places like that attract me.
I'd love to just wake up the next day as a brand new person, a woman of course, and try to adapt to this new life, and this woman being a somewhat lonely person that live in a place like I mentioned sounds exciting. I think the loneliness of the whole thing is what attracted me, that I could live in a place like that all by myself, going trough a easy no-brainer routine and life would go on and I would barely pay attention to time passing. I already life inside my own head so I might as well do it in a more carefree life where I like how I look.
Of course I want a functional happy life in a exciting place ideally but a lot of times all I want is that depressive scenario to be able to relax and be myself. It would be better for me to have that as a life goal since that would be the most positive outcome of my life that way things are going.
Sometimes I wonder if people come across my blog by accident, read some of my stuff and feel down, like they get to take a look at my life at 14-15 when I still had hope and now is one depressed post after the other. Is it something they'll talk about in a AskReddit thread or in a Saturday night chat with their friends? I like to see how so many places in the world have checked my blog, it's the closest I'll ever get of my fantasy of being a moderately famous international actress. If I was pretty I'd definitely vlog about my non-transition. If only I didn't got fucked up by puberty, I'd have a slim build and a actual neck, but now I'm stocky and neckless and hairy with falling hair, super dry scaly skin and 10 shitty teeth.
I know It has nothing to do with the post but it just came up in my head, I ruined a semi-interesting post but I'm not feeling like waiting until tomorrow to post just a paragraph. But writing things out always makes me feel better. That's all for now.