Damn

I went to this event at my college that happened every year, they always have people taking pictures of everything going on so they can post on the event's facebook page. Unfortunately I ended up appearing in quite some pictures, and I look horrible in all of them.

I swear to god I don't really see myself looking that bad when I see my reflection. I've been gaining weight for a while now, and my face looks so round and weird. My mouth looks really weird, I think because of my teeth situation it looks like a old's person mouth, specially when I'm smiling.

I already hated my looks before, but after seeing those pictures I'm feeling like shit. I keep daydreaming about having my dream body, being a girl, enjoying college life, dating a cute guy, etc. And the worst is I know that's never happening.

Mirror

A few nights ago I was staring at myself in the mirror, and for a while I could not recognize myself. Everything felt floaty, it was like I was looking at another person and not my reflection. It kills any self confidence I could have to know that's how people see me.

I have two weeks of vacation left. It feels so good to be able to stay at home all day long, not having to worry about deadlines or having to deal with people. It sucks to know pretty much none of my dreams will ever come true, because most are impossible to begin with.

I'll probably never be happy ever, and of course my mother loves to say how happy I was as a kid, as if I didn't know. No one takes my depression seriously, they just pretend I never came out to them, that I asked for help. But of course I should just shrug it off and live my life according to them.

Another no-update

  I'm feeling neutral right now, I was feeling awful a couple of days ago, but I'm a little bit numb now. I wish I had something interesting to write here, but as usual nothing really happened. Each day I feel I'm becoming more aware of how I actually look, because most of the time I have the vivid mental image of my ideal self, and it's awful to realize how far I am from it.

  It's coming to a point where I'm barely recognizing myself in pictures or in front of a mirror. It makes me feel very anxious when I think that's who people see when they see me. There's no point interacting with people because it all feels false, because I can't speak my mind and act like myself.

 I had a minor injury a couple of days ago, stepped on a huge nail on the floor, probably the most exciting thing that happened in a long time. I'm terrified of needles but the tetanus shot doesn't hurt a thing, my arm is very sore from it though.

Progress

Nothing new to report, I made zero progress on pretty much everything, including transition. Each day I feel more hopeless about everything. I'm nearly numb about life in general, I daydream my time away and pretend there's nothing wrong. Just like I was in denial about growing up and going through puberty, now I'm in denial about growing older and having a shitty life. So I'll do nothing about it.

 The worst thing is that occasionally my depression bleeds through my daydreams, and it ruins my mood. It happened recently and now I'm having trouble to daydream about the fantasy life where something bad happened, and even daydream about other things as well. I hope this go away soon, my daydreams are one of the few good things I have.

  And even though I'm numb I'm also very anxious, usually late in the afternoon I'll start feeling jumpy, like I should be doing something, even if it's just walking around the house. I suddenly remember all my responsibilities, deadlines, etc and realize if I don't get out of this vicious cycle my life is going to be miserable.

  Things would be easier if I had my family's support, I'd be on HRT already, I wouldn't feel like I'll have to go through transition on my own.

 

Procrastination

  I had something I needed to do for college this afternoon, I haven't even started it yet. I'm waiting till latter to do it, but if I had started it earlier I would be finishing it by now. It's quite complicated, but not as complicated as I make it seem to be, I always get so anxious before doing a assignment or project for college, and instead of doing it right away I'll keep waiting the last minute to do it. I'm so sick of feeling stressed over college, I have this language test Sunday and it will ruin my weekend. I failed next time so I have to do it again, and I'm afraid I'll fail again.

  I'm feeling so anxious now, it's similar to when I'm laying watching tv at night, I feel this urge to walk around, and a nagging feeling that's something is wrong or is about to go really wrong soon.

Overwhelmed

  I feel tired and disgusting all the time, I don't see the point of trying to keep going. The bad feelings outweigh the good ones, I feel good for a few minutes only to few like crap for days. I'll never look like I want, I'll not have a fun job, a nice group of friends and a significant other. I know I'll never get satisfying results with HRT, the things I hate the most about myself will never change because of it, and there's no surgery to fix them. My hair keeps falling, I'll probably have old man hair in a few years. My skin looks disgusting, the dry patches keep growing and will probably take over my body, and not only that I'll age very badly since my skin is so dry.

  I don't know why I keep posting these. Today we had to do the simplest thing in class and I struggled to do it. It's always like this, I start panicking and won't calm down to try to understand it.

This is getting repetitive

 Another venting post. I can't picture myself actually going through the whole process of transition and actually feeling fine at the end. I feel like all the opportunities I had to become the person I think I should be were either gone the moment I was born as a transgender woman or for not being able to transition sooner(not even sure if it's possible here in Brazil).

 I keep going back to my fantasy worlds. Because I feel being born cis and looking good and being happy was a bit too much of luck for me in most of those fantasy scenarios I'm a woman with CAIS. And even though women with CAIS feel a lot of pain due to their condition, it would be heaven compared to what I got as a trans woman, before or after transition.

 In all those worlds I have a actual personality, even though I deal/dealt with depression and anxiety I'm in a comfortable position, sort of over it and able to handle it. I have achievable goals and I work to achieve them. I talk to people, I have friends, practice hobbies, work with something I love, etc. I'm able to spend my time improving myself, reading and learning about the world and making opinions that I'm comfortable defending and that I'm completely sure of.

 Next year is my final year at college, I feel exactly the same. Except graduation is getting closer and I'll have to start interning and doing things to get those annoying extra hours. If I didn't had to deal with the consequences I'd love to drop out and stay at home. If I had any skill I could even spend my time working on them and maybe make cool illustrations, paint, sing, write a book or something. I'm getting slower each day, I have to make a effort to understand things, I keep messing up my words, etc.

 I can't picture myself getting older too. I can't answer those "where you wanna be in the next x years?", sometimes I think it's because I'll never get that far or will be some sort of adult-child that never grows up mentally. I'm terrified of transitioning but I'm more scared about turning 30 without transitioning. And sometimes I think transitioning is pointless because I'll never actually be the person I want to be, and will never live the life I want and this will always bother me.

 And it came to a point where I'm almost feeling okay about all of this. Like being like this is normal and there's nothing to worry about, a "been down so much it looks up to me" sort of thing. Maybe that's how my life is supposed to be, I'll just keep daydreaming and watching other people being happy, like the Lady of Shalot.

  I'm so sick of "myself", it all feels like a sick joke that should be over a long time ago. But just like always I'll keep clinging to the hope things will magically change and meanwhile will be stuck in daydreams pretending my problems aren't really mine. Then I'll have a "waking" moment that will last for a while and go back to this.