Another venting post. I can't picture myself actually going through the whole process of transition and actually feeling fine at the end. I feel like all the opportunities I had to become the person I think I should be were either gone the moment I was born as a transgender woman or for not being able to transition sooner(not even sure if it's possible here in Brazil).
I keep going back to my fantasy worlds. Because I feel being born cis and looking good and being happy was a bit too much of luck for me in most of those fantasy scenarios I'm a woman with CAIS. And even though women with CAIS feel a lot of pain due to their condition, it would be heaven compared to what I got as a trans woman, before or after transition.
In all those worlds I have a actual personality, even though I deal/dealt with depression and anxiety I'm in a comfortable position, sort of over it and able to handle it. I have achievable goals and I work to achieve them. I talk to people, I have friends, practice hobbies, work with something I love, etc. I'm able to spend my time improving myself, reading and learning about the world and making opinions that I'm comfortable defending and that I'm completely sure of.
Next year is my final year at college, I feel exactly the same. Except graduation is getting closer and I'll have to start interning and doing things to get those annoying extra hours. If I didn't had to deal with the consequences I'd love to drop out and stay at home. If I had any skill I could even spend my time working on them and maybe make cool illustrations, paint, sing, write a book or something. I'm getting slower each day, I have to make a effort to understand things, I keep messing up my words, etc.
I can't picture myself getting older too. I can't answer those "where you wanna be in the next x years?", sometimes I think it's because I'll never get that far or will be some sort of adult-child that never grows up mentally. I'm terrified of transitioning but I'm more scared about turning 30 without transitioning. And sometimes I think transitioning is pointless because I'll never actually be the person I want to be, and will never live the life I want and this will always bother me.
And it came to a point where I'm almost feeling okay about all of this. Like being like this is normal and there's nothing to worry about, a "been down so much it looks up to me" sort of thing. Maybe that's how my life is supposed to be, I'll just keep daydreaming and watching other people being happy, like the Lady of Shalot.
I'm so sick of "myself", it all feels like a sick joke that should be over a long time ago. But just like always I'll keep clinging to the hope things will magically change and meanwhile will be stuck in daydreams pretending my problems aren't really mine. Then I'll have a "waking" moment that will last for a while and go back to this.