Update

  Nothing new to report, I send I think two weeks on a new years vacation, this time in two different places. It was nice. I'm dreading the end of my summer vacation because it means college will start again, and this year I'll have to start interning. I'm almost confident I'll end up having a major breakdown at some point, I felt pretty close to one last year and now the stress of college+interning is probably going to be overwhelming.

  It's my penultimate year of college, I got very little extra-activity hours and that makes me nervous, I could have to delay my graduation just to get the minimal of those hours, which would suck. I feel my college years will be just like my high school years, thought at least this time I have a small group of acquaintances that are not creepy or weird like my "friend" in high school, but I still only speak with them, and we never meet outside college  or anything.

  I just wish I could be enjoying all the opportunities of being in college as a girl and confident with myself. I'm very scared about my teeth, I'm not taking care of them as a should and they should be in a good state for me to start braces(from scratch, after years, which I'm not excited at all). My hair is slightly pass shoulder length but super dry and falling a lot, and while my hair is still thick and full it's very visible how thin it is on the top of my head, if I part it in the middle it becomes extremelly visible, I'm almost sure I have some bald spots on it.

 Since I'm not leaving the house I'm not shaving to let my skin rest a bit, but I hate the feeling of hair on my face, and I hate the look of it too. It doesn't help that my mother compliments me for doing it, because she says I look good with it.

  All the same complaints in my last posts, nothing done about therapy, etc. I wish I didn't had to worry about all this, I'm also getting really caught up(could get in detail, but I guess I mentioned here that when I tell a story online I always feel compelled to add unnecessary information to avoid confusion, like this one here) with one of my recurring daydreaming life and I'm not sure if I'll ever get over that it will never happen.

...

Soon I'll be turning 19, and I just wasted another year. Even if it took years to go full time I'd love to just have HRT already, get laser done, etc. Even if I had to still live as male, just being able to look how I like and maybe get people mistaking my gender would be enough for me now.

I feel I can't do it

 I used to feel so excited when I'd think about transitioning, but now I almost cannot picture myself doing that. I feel I've lost a good chunk of the small bit of hope I have to one day be happy about myself. Even if HRT does it's wonders some parts of my body will never change, and they will always show to everybody I'm transgender. I'll never be able to freely pick any cute women's shoe I want because my feet are awful. If I let my hands become very visible it will be clear to anyone those are the hands of a man.

 Right now all I want is for my parents to allow me to quit college and stay at home. Then by the time I'm in my late 20s I'll decide if I can still live a little longer or should kill myself. I'm terrified of growing older, having to be a responsible adult, looking older and uglier, not being a young person anymore. I'll never be able to pay for a good lifestyle by myself, and I'll probably never get married anyway, so I'll have to depend on my family.

 I don't even know what to write, I have lots of college things to do, but after this week my summer vacation starts.

Nothing much to say

  Only that I still feel awful, I had the day free today because of a holiday, but I already got things to do for college. And the extended weekend went so quick, I hate that. My computer is a mess and because I need to use it for everything college related I'm screwed.

  I said in another post about building up confidence, etc. Now I'm not sure if the "I might look good after HRT/FFS" is just wishful thinking. I would look good if I didn't had male puberty, but now I'm almost sure it's too late. And it sucks because in theory I have features similar to what my ideal face would be. It's like if I could tweak my face like in The Sims 4 to change size of certain things, their position,etc I'd be able to achieve my ideal face, which is how I imagine I'd look like if I had female puberty.

  If I had female puberty my body would be close to my ideal to, a Top Hourglass shape. It's like the regular hourglass only the hips aren't as large, so the shoulders are wider.  But now my chest is too wide for that, I have zero hips. I have fairly long legs for a male my height(5'9 1/4), but they're shorter than most women my height. Not forgetting to mention my hand and feet that will never look female.

  At some point in my life I'll have to let go of that idealized version of myself, all the fantasy lives she lives,etc Because they will never happen, and to be honest I don't think I'll ever let go of that. If I had any willpower to practice lucid dreaming I would, I guess it's the closer I'll get to actually live those scenarios. And I keep trying to make a visual reference of what this idealized version of me looks like, I have vague ideas, like flashes of mental images of what she looks like, and tried to recreate them using MorphThing, The Sims 4, etc they come close but never look exactly how I picture.

  The idea of dealing with transition feels overwhelming, but at the same time I'd love to at least be on hormones already, I've heard you can get some changes in your hips before you turn 24. I honestly cannot picture myself looking good or happy after transition, the way my parents have been dealing with this makes me dread to touch the subject, I don't like to imagine what would be like to be full time near them, or just deal with anything related to transition.

  I already feel pretty dependent on my family for everything, so it kills me they're just gonna omit themselves like that, that what I get from my father's "study,work and do everything you want" speech that is supposed to be motivational but for me is like a big "fuck you". I know they care but when it comes to social anxiety, depression and dysphoria they act like is nothing, that I can just get up and work things out, and they get angry at me for not being able to handle my issues.

  And my hair is falling, my skin is super dry, my teeth are awful as usual.... And I'm supposed to start interning next year (should be doing it already,actually), I swear I'll have a breakdown if I have anymore stress in my life. I wish I could slip in the bathroom and smash my head on the sink or something, pass out and be able to relax for a while. Or just drop dead and be death already.

Feeling like crap. When I stop to think about my future I honestly cannot see a good thing,even if I transition. I'll never be able to function near other people,I'll always be the awkward loner with a shitty job,no personality and no life. The only good futures I can see are imaginary,where I was born female,or where better looking and would have a very successful transition at a younger age.

I've been building up some confidence by looking at myself in the mirror. I can see how I might look great after HRT does it's work on my face. But then when I try to take a picture of myself I look awful. I look bloated,my jaw area look award,my mouth looks weird and my nose looks gigantic and crooked. And even my eyes,pretty much the only features I really like,look pretty but dead.

And it's so weird because my identical twin is good looking,so how come I'm so ugly? I could look so good if I had started hormones before,my shoulders and chest were no so wide,I'd develop hips,etc. And things will only get worse as I get older,my face will get wrinkles,my nose will get larger,my cheeks will start to fall,etc.

I got this grammar test yesterday. One of the few good things in my life is the weekend,and now I'm loosing that now tomorrow. I'm so tired,I'm getting fed up of feeling like shit everyday.

Feel like I'm about to explode

I had very strong thoughts of suicide this Tuesday. All I wanted at that moment was to be dead,I don't think I ever felt so intensely about it before,it was scary. The rest of the time I feel so stressed,every little things bothers me,I feel like yelling and breaking things. I daydream about lashing out on people. I'm not sure how long until I actually end up freaking out,specially in public.

I wish I could sleep and be in a constant lucid dream,making up realities and switching between them once I got bored. It really kills me that no matter I wish for different lives I'll never really live them and will always be stuck with my boring one.

Writing would be cool

I wish I had the talent for it. I struggle to make a small comment that flows nicely,most of the time it will have awkward stops and different ideas just threw after the other. I'd love to have talent for drawing,painting,singing,etc but I can't do any of those things.

They're all things that could benefit from my depression and daydreams,so there would be a good side of them. And having any of those skills would make me a more interesting person. I feel that even if I were to be happy and everything there would be no reason for people to be friends with me.

Maybe I just can't remember what is like to have a actual personality. I don't even know what is like to go out with friends as a teenager,go to a part as a teenager,etc. Who knows how it will be like as a young adult? I just find it hard to believe that one day I might be in good terms with my body.

I try to picture myself at full time,post laser,SRS,etc and even after all of that certain things in my body will never change,like my hand and feet,they will always be super masculine looking. I can't see myself feeling comfortable around women or scrawny men,it will probably highlight my own features. I'll always have to make sure any guy I might date have larger hand and feet than me,and that sucks.

Oh,I had a test but it seemed easy. I almost threw a fit at a class,the teacher was late and I'm already not a huge fan of him,I can't stand him so every new shit he pulls it just to add to the list. It's been so long since I felt that angry at someone,I was about to do something stupid. I already said this,but I just wish I'd snap already.

I'm feeling a little dizzy,my left hand hurts a little. I'm terrified of developing a bad posture and then being too late when I try to fix it. I have tons of things to do for college.