I have nothing to report, I just keep noticing that if I don't keep my mind occupied I feel like shit, I get a glimpse of awareness that there's no escaping this, that this is my lot in life, no dreaming or wishing will change it. Death and the idea of nothingness after it scares me but I'm not sure if I can keep going like this.
I wish I could have life-like daydreams where I'd be able to fully live my daydreams, I think that would help keeping the pain away, but the end result would be the same. Me keeping miserable and doing nothing to fix my problems because I don't believe it's even worth trying.
I'm mourning the life I know I'll never had, all the memories I'll never get to make, the emotions and sensations I can only dream about and the people I'll never meet. Truly living a normal life sounds like a outlandish fantasy to me.