Life worth living

There's this guy I "follow" on instagram that has such a perfect life. He lives in a big, global city, has a interesting job, busy social life, travels a lot, got lots of friends and seems to get along very well with his family. And take some pretty good pictures too. He's like the poster child for the perfect 30 something high middle class american guy, specially when he posts pictures of him growing up with his family. like something legit out of a sitcom.

It's not a bad envy, I don't hold anything against him, it just makes me wish I had that too. An interesting life that I could look back to when I'm older and feel proud and happy I got to experience those moments. I really doubt I'll ever get there, I'm almost settling for mediocre at best. I'm starting to become more obssessed with age, I'm always counting how long until I'm 30.

I needed to write this down to see if I'll stop thinking about it. I got third place at this competition at college, other than that nothing new to report.

Time Passing

It started to weird me out that I'm 20 already, turning 21 at the end of the year. It's weird thinking people in their early twenties are my age now, not 5 years older. It's weird not being 15 or 17 anymore, back then in 10 years I'd be 25, now I'll be 30. I'm five years older than a 15 year old now, it's weird. I feel like the whole "having your life ahead of you" thing doesn't apply anymore, like any problems I had before were okay because I was only a teen, now I'm 20, 21, 22, 23, etc and I feel like I have to handle everything.

🌟 Happy Places 🌟

I had a "happy place" in my mind ever since I was little. Even though I was a happy child whenever I went to take a shower I would imagine this place, filled with mist and water stream sounds, dome shaped, the size of a small-medium bedroom. One half would be a lake with hot water and only very smooth and clean pebbles on the ground. The other half with be grassy with a tree at the right side and the left side would be covered in bamboo. A few animals like birds, squirrels and a panda would live on that side while I'd relax on the water all the time. To any outsider it would look like a large stone, and it could exist even in space or in case of the universe ending.

I always wanted to be able to go there to run away from my problems, not have to worry about anything, just enjoy the warm water and relaxing sounds to sleep, wake up sleepy only to go back to sleep over and over again.

Because of this I love the american version of Dark Water, I love the gloomy atmosphere, the always rainy cloudy sky, dry trees, dreary and gritty hallways and rooms that have a charm of their own. I can imagine myself and a woman as beautiful as Jennifer Connelly living in a place like that, working in a boring office job only to come to my boring-cozy apartment  to go online while looking at the window. Something about cold, dreary, monotonous, boring places like that attract me.

I'd love to just wake up the next day as a brand new person, a woman of course, and try to adapt to this new life, and this woman being a somewhat lonely person that live in a place like I mentioned sounds exciting. I think the loneliness of the whole thing is what attracted me, that I could live in a place like that all by myself, going trough a easy no-brainer routine and life would go on and I would barely pay attention to time passing. I already life inside my own head so I might as well do it in a more carefree life where I like how I look.

Of course I want a functional happy life in a exciting place ideally but a lot of times all I want is that depressive scenario to be able to relax and be myself. It would be better for me to have that as a life goal since that would be the most positive outcome of my life that way things are going.

Sometimes I wonder if people come across my blog by accident, read some of my stuff and feel down, like they get to take a look at my life at 14-15 when I still had hope and now is one depressed post after the other. Is it something they'll talk about in a AskReddit thread or in a Saturday night chat with their friends? I like to see how so many places in the world have checked my blog, it's the closest I'll ever get of my fantasy of being a moderately famous international actress. If I was pretty I'd definitely vlog about my non-transition. If only I didn't got fucked up by puberty, I'd have a slim build and a actual neck, but now I'm stocky and neckless and hairy with falling hair, super dry scaly skin and 10 shitty teeth.

I know It has nothing to do with the post but it just came up in my head, I ruined a semi-interesting post but I'm not feeling like waiting until tomorrow to post just a paragraph. But writing things out always makes me feel better. That's all for now.

Small happenings

A few weeks ago I had an assignment where I had to draw something using a object as a part of the drawing, so I got a round-ish rock and drew a sea turtle's head and limbs around it so it looked like it's shell. The teacher chose it among other three for all students to pick and make a creative two page ad with one of the drawings. A group used it for a transgender awareness ad, which was very sweet since and a bit funny since they have no idea I was the one who did it(teacher didn't told who drew the ones she picked) and that I'm trans, though they have little idea of who I am anyways since it's my first class with them.

Last night I went to bed after watching Rhapsody in August at around 23:40 and woke up suddenly at midnight. I never woke up this scared in my life, last time was when I was around 5 and had a nightmare a snake bit my neck. I remember very little on how I ended up sleeping, though I could remember a dream where I found a note saying something along the lines of "I left the house you're alone you should leave now".

I left the tv on discovery id so it was showing some crime show, and I'm still not sure if it was just me hallucinating from waking up so suddenly but this guy on the talking head part of the show had fully white eyes. I had no idea what was going on for a few minutes, I just looked at the tv and around me absolutely terrified, I never felt so scared before, I kept asking my brother what was going on because I had no idea what was going on.

A few minutes latter I figured out I slept and just woke up scared for some reason but I still went back to sleep scared something was going to happen, like a maniac in a costume would appear and kill everyone.

I should update my dream journal again, but I'm not sure I remember my username on the forum I used to post.

Lifestyle

I was just thinking about this now, so I want to write it down right away so I won't have this stuck in my head for the weekend. After paying attention to some people at college and taking a look at this reporter/book writer's instagram page. He's in his mid thirties and it got me thinking that his life now is sort of how I see some of my colleagues in the future. By then they will have traveled to so many places, worked on really great projects in amazing agencies, have fun with long-time friends, etc.

I wish I had that sort of lifestyle. Laid back, working with something creative like design, having friends from different groups for different activities and hobbies, traveling to new places, having all kinds of new life experiences.

Those people enjoy life, they get to do interesting things, meet interesting people, make memories, etc. I don't think I'll ever have that kind of life. I'll always be that person that speaks very little with everyone else at works (working somewhere shitty too), goes straight back home and never does anything fun. And by the time I'm in my mid thirties I will probably have achieved nothing, no friends, no travels, no life experiences.

It makes me sad I'll never have a youth to remember and will be even more depressed and jaded by the time I'm over 20. I'll envy that kind of people so much more because they will still be getting enjoyment out of life while I'll feel old and disgusting and regretful I didn't had a blast at college and it's been 15 years and I haven't evolved one bit.

Being young is the only thing I got going for me, I don't how I'll handle loosing that.

😢

College is back and my anxiety is getting hard to handle. I'll be in class and start thinking how my college experience is ending, missing the last few years and wishing I could have been able to live all that as myself. I get anxious about how busy this year is going to be too.

I know I can come back after transitioning but will not be the same thing, I've said this one hundred times but even if I don't ever speak with most people in my class I'm used to have them as classmates, hearing their drama and everything. I hate the feeling that's all over and that I'll regret not enjoying myself for the rest of my life.

Had something shitty happen where I intern, I was pretty much yelling and cursing in my head for nearly 2 hours straight by how angry that made me feel. I had one good thing happen a few days before so it feels things are just balancing out to be shitty again.

It's bizarre to think three years passed by so quickly, I try to remember which class I had in which semester and I keep mixing things up. Now changing subjects I just wish we could live in a extremely convincing lucid dream after dying, I could live out all the fantasies I have, the mundane, the impossible and the fantastical ones.

I'm tired of feeling negative emotions most of the time, to be so uncomfortable and miserable. I don't want to feel all this pain.

☾

I want to start this post with a apology to some of the people who's comments I never replied or replied wrong so you probably never got a notification. I didn't meant to be rude or ignore you guys, and I'm sorry that every time you come to my blog it's always the same bulshit.


I wish I had a social life. I'm a bit of a homebody but I can picture myself having fun going out with friends, even on clubs in few times. I always like to imagine what would be like to live in the United States or England or whatever but there's so much to do in my city.

I keep trying to imagine what is like to be a normal person that has friends and goes out and it's all so bizarre to me. Having multiple groups of friends, going to the museum or any new event, being known to people, travelling, etc. It all sounds exciting but so alien to me.

I have this short images on my mind of people having fun and being social and it makes me feel so shitty. It's like a nostalgia for something I haven't experienced, I try to build on those images to daydream but I have no life experience to back it up, so I just try to avoid those thoughts but it makes me so frustrated.

I wish I didn't had to worry about transitioning or anything related to being trans because that only makes it all so much complicated. I want to do all those things as myself, not as I am right now. I have zero social life experience as a teenager or adult and I'm 20 years old. I'll never have that life long tight group of friends when I'm older to meet and chat about new things and the good memories. I won't have candid pictures of me looking silly with my friends at a party or anything like that.

It feels so unfair to me, I wasn't like this from the start, I was a normal kid and now I'm completely destroyed by depression, anxiety and dysphoria. I was never a social butterfly but I could talk to people, make friends and enjoy life.

And things will only keep getting worst as I grow older. Before I was growing but no really getting "older", like I was going from 17 to 18. But now I'll go to 22, 23, 24, 28 , 34, etc. And the older I get the clearer it will be how fucked up I am.