New Year already

High School is over,and as you know,I'm very depressed about it,all the missed opportunities and the fact I'll still miss it.Like I said,I got into a university,but is a paid one.It's a great uni,but not the best,the best being free.I wanted to do a preparatory course,which would be the last year,only without grades,focusing on studying hard for the best college's SATs.

My mother say it would be a waste of a year,my father says I should try the first month out and then if I still wanted to,drop out and prepare for the SATs.There is still a chance of failing,one of my teachers said I'm still young,I can try out this year,and if I fail,do the SAT of the college I got into this year again and study there.

I want to try,but it won't be the same.It will not be the actual school year,many people that I got used to see,some since 2010,will not be there.Like I said,it's the same school,but in a different location.

I'm very depressed,I'll start classes on February 2,sadly,so my time to rest is almost over.I made no progress talking to that girl I want to be friends with,neither with talking about my feelings with my parents.Oh,and my father says he is still looking for a therapist,non GT,of course.

Update Time/Happy Christmas

                   FELIZ NATAL

When shopping three days in a row for Christmas.I'm feeling good,until I get to see my full body reflection on a mirror,that makes me feel like crap.I can daydream almost the whole day that I'm actually female and such,almost like an illusionary layer,but the minute I see myself,the truth comes out,I realize that I'm still male.

High school is officially over.Great,just threw 3 years that I was supposed to had great times and make friends for a life time in the thrash can.I want to do the third year again,but as preparation to get into the best college.The one I got is great,but is paid and not as good as the other one,which is free.My mother wants me to do the one I got in,she says a it would be a waste of waste of a year to do the year again,even though lots of students do that.

I keep throwing away my time daydreaming,mostly about crushes,being one of my teacher and the guy from since the first year of high school.I keep thinking to myself how to describe them,specially the guy my age,to people know he is indeed a amazing guy,smart,funny,down to earth,etc.Even I'd never show a picture of him or tell his name to online friends,because I think it would be mean.

I will travel for Christmas,to my father's siblings as usual.I wanted to stay at home.So,in advance,Happy Christmas to you all,my lovely readers.

Hugs.

Siul a Run

I love celtic music,and to find out that my internet name,Siul,means "to walk" in irish was very cool,I thought it had no meaning.Here's my song then,hehe

Rambling

I started to think about this yesterday,to me,if I could create a place to live eternally,it would be a rather small town,like those cute ones in England or Germany,in a landscape,vast fields with trees,mountains and lakes like in Switzerland.There would be no measurement of time,but a hazy concept.There would be other cities,but traveling would be uncommon.There would be internet,but people would not spend the whole day on it.Lot's of dancing, partying and fairs.People would work and gain money from it,but would enjoy their jobs.

I am done

I was forced to get a haircut yesterday.As I went back to my house,my father started to yell saying that it was enough,that if I wanted to cut my dick off it was okay,that he is not going to intrude my life anymore.All because according to him my hair was the same,and that I asked to the hairdresser to not cut much.

My mother came home,and then they started the speech.That I'm too shy to be transgender,that a surgery will not solve my problems,that if I keep like this I'll have no money or job.And just to finish it,said that I should get blessed by a priest or something,just to see if it works.

Really,they pretty much told me they didnt paid attention to what I wrote,that I'm a liar.

I am done with this,all I want is to stay on my bed every single day,avoid the mirror,not to see my body getting more and more deformed...I just wish I could be happy and normal.

Time for a update

The Lady of Shaloty-1888-J.W. Waterhouse

Hello
Regular classes already ended,now it's only for those who need for preparation for entering college.I attended the Geography one,because I like it very much,and planning on going on others too.Thing is,I believe I didn't passed the college test,the public college,the best one.My choices are either try again next year,doing this year again for preparation(what I want to,because I'm not really ready for college,and would love one more year with awesome teachers) or to go to paid college,which I passed.

I have a test tomorrow,last one.All subjects,like it's been all this year,but only 3 hours.I really need great grades on Physics and Chemistry,and I know I'm screwed,so much to think I may fail this year,and then,be forced to re-do it again,but as a regular year,not just preparation.

Looking back,the year seemed long,maybe because it was a new routine and school(like said before,same school but different building/area),but still I have that feeling it just flew away from my reach.I regret not trying making friends,and trying getting closer to teachers.I have my top 3 favorites,but they're all nice,and I do have a bit of a crush in one of the Biology ones.

Lot's of awful feelings over my body,my facial hair,manly hands...I wish I could had started hormones and could go full time next year.No therapy,my parents must pretend nothing's wrong.I'm just very sad about how this year turned out to be in some aspects,I wish I could be a normal girl.

Mural Braddict