Eysenck P-E-N Personality Test

Extroversion (sociability)||||||           21%
Neuroticism (emotionality)||||||||||||||||||72%
Psychoticism (rebelliousness)||||       15%

Looking back

 I was watching some videos I loved to watch of T girls on Youtube.I remember how I felt connected to those people,how I wanted to start my journey and live my life like they did.I was so hoping my parents would be understanding,by my logic I would be almost a year on hormones now,my hair would be shoulder length and I would be looking great.Of course,sadly,nothing of this happened to me,I tried not thinking of being transsexual but I can't.I daydream a lot,pretty much all the time.It can be about me being born female,me being great at singing,me coming out at 10 so I would avoid puberty,me as a whole different person and married to Tom Hiddleston(yes,I still like Bradley Cooper).
 I feel sometimes that if I were born a girl,I would be starting to be less tomboy,but not too girlish either,just in between,like most "normal" girls are.My mother everyday complains about being female,she think it will make me change my mind.Both of my parents doesn't understand the urgency of hormones,my mother said something like "Oh why don't you wait me to die before doing such things" or my father saying I need to graduate.I know,it's getting repetitive always complaining about it,but I can't help it,my teen years are ending.Don't get me wrong;drinking,smoking,having sex and party hard are not my ideas of fun,but how I wish I could get like 3 friends come over,get some snacks and just have fun,watch a movie,etc.
 I just envy so much people who are happy with their lives.At the same time,it makes me feel good for them,knowing that not everyone have to be miserable like me

I just needed to do one of my monthly rants on how my life sucks,how I don't have any friends and how I just hate my body to death.

INFP Personality Type

Introverted (I) 80% Extroverted (E) 20% Intuitive (N) 55% Sensing (S) 45% Feeling (F) 67.65% Thinking (T) 32.35% Perceiving (P) 51.43% Judging (J) 48.57%

Your type is: INFP

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

I love this description here,it's pretty much me:http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html

Living Forever

Everybody did so,and it was something viewed as normal.
I was thinking about it,I live like there's no such thing as the possibility of me dying in a accident,or even dying when I'm older.
I was reading these days about a girl that stayed in a institutions to help teens with depression and things like day,they had a routine and she said she enjoyed it.I started to think,if there was immortality,and we could get a routine like that(sports,watching movies,etc,etc) and not worrying about time.it would not be so bad.
Just rambling.

Sometimes It Feels Like Giving Up

 Most of the time I just can't picture myself happy,living a normal life that I wish everyday.I keep looking at myself in the mirror,and wonder how much will I change by the time I'm 18.Like I said a thousand of times,my hands are large with a very masculine shape.The feet are very large too,but they don't appear as much as hands,although I know buying shoes will be awful.My issue is,I look a lot like my father when he was younger,and I have the same body type.I'm tall,very very hairy and my shoulders are getting bigger,while my hips not so much(inverted triangle.although my shoulders are slightly bigger then hips),voice getting deeper.His hands are HUGE.I'm not exasperating,they are not only long,but extremely thick and fat.There is no way someone could pass with his build.
 Besides the looks,I don't know if people will treat me different.I'm very shy,how I'll react to nasty comments or just a polite question?My country does have quite some hate crimes toward gay people,I have to admit it scares me.All I do is just daydream of either having coming out earlier and living as female already,or have being born female,but not fertile,that would be too much luck.
 I feel that I'll be on of those weirdos that people whisper about at break time on their work,or when they go out with their friends.I'll probably be at home all the time,playing video games...
 Small update,my father said that he will be getting a therapist for me soon,but still talked about how most transwomen are prostitutes,and he doesn't believed when I said I stayed away from trans websites,he always thinks he's right and know if I'm lying or not,it's really annoying.

Just a rant with a update.
Hugs

Urgh

The new design sucks hard.God it looks so cold to write,too white.

Update

 How to start.My father wants to find me a therapist,but not the wonderful one I found,but still,he wants me to do something to loose my shyness first,so I can express myself better.He talked to me about transition one day in the car.He believes most transpeople are depressed because of the surgery,they can't have pleasure and some are so miserable they want to drag people to their suffering,comparing it with drug users.He says that he worries about me and don't want to put me in this world  like this.He said he talked to a hundred of doctors and all said is impossible to do hormones before 18.He lies a lot,I really doubt he really talked with doctors about that.My mother was so mean to me a Saturday morning,she even came to the point of saying that she would rather have the dog as a child,because she will not change her gender,but still she acts normal with me after that.

 My body hair is growing,I'm starting to have chest hair and hair in my back,is disgusting.I started participating in the Social Anxiety Support forums,and is pretty good.If you want to find me there my nickname is Smoothie.I've been escaping to my magical world again,imagining my life as female,or listening to the sound of music all day long.I just want to start hormones soon,I'm afraid that by 18 I will be too manly to pass.If I ever get to be life my father physically then I'm screwed.I look quite like him,my hands are thicker than most 16 year old,but still not as big as an adult's hand,but I still don't know how long they will stay this size.My worst nightmare is to be past 18,no hormones and looking extremely masculine,then I will have no hope to pass...

I supposed not to enter transwebsites,I'm trying my hard,my parents think I'm alienated,that if I stop seeing those things I will change my views,that life isn't just that.The worst is it seems they don't believe when I say I feel like that since young,maybe because I felt like a tomboyish girl I wasn't so flamboyant as most young transsexuals,but they probably will not understand.It makes me disgusted that they probably think I'm having a typical teen identity crisis,I know what I am A WOMAN.I always been the quite perfect son,but it seems like for my mother being trans just overwhelms it all.

I just wanted to post a update after a long time of absence.

Hugs