Small happenings

A few weeks ago I had an assignment where I had to draw something using a object as a part of the drawing, so I got a round-ish rock and drew a sea turtle's head and limbs around it so it looked like it's shell. The teacher chose it among other three for all students to pick and make a creative two page ad with one of the drawings. A group used it for a transgender awareness ad, which was very sweet since and a bit funny since they have no idea I was the one who did it(teacher didn't told who drew the ones she picked) and that I'm trans, though they have little idea of who I am anyways since it's my first class with them.

Last night I went to bed after watching Rhapsody in August at around 23:40 and woke up suddenly at midnight. I never woke up this scared in my life, last time was when I was around 5 and had a nightmare a snake bit my neck. I remember very little on how I ended up sleeping, though I could remember a dream where I found a note saying something along the lines of "I left the house you're alone you should leave now".

I left the tv on discovery id so it was showing some crime show, and I'm still not sure if it was just me hallucinating from waking up so suddenly but this guy on the talking head part of the show had fully white eyes. I had no idea what was going on for a few minutes, I just looked at the tv and around me absolutely terrified, I never felt so scared before, I kept asking my brother what was going on because I had no idea what was going on.

A few minutes latter I figured out I slept and just woke up scared for some reason but I still went back to sleep scared something was going to happen, like a maniac in a costume would appear and kill everyone.

I should update my dream journal again, but I'm not sure I remember my username on the forum I used to post.

Lifestyle

I was just thinking about this now, so I want to write it down right away so I won't have this stuck in my head for the weekend. After paying attention to some people at college and taking a look at this reporter/book writer's instagram page. He's in his mid thirties and it got me thinking that his life now is sort of how I see some of my colleagues in the future. By then they will have traveled to so many places, worked on really great projects in amazing agencies, have fun with long-time friends, etc.

I wish I had that sort of lifestyle. Laid back, working with something creative like design, having friends from different groups for different activities and hobbies, traveling to new places, having all kinds of new life experiences.

Those people enjoy life, they get to do interesting things, meet interesting people, make memories, etc. I don't think I'll ever have that kind of life. I'll always be that person that speaks very little with everyone else at works (working somewhere shitty too), goes straight back home and never does anything fun. And by the time I'm in my mid thirties I will probably have achieved nothing, no friends, no travels, no life experiences.

It makes me sad I'll never have a youth to remember and will be even more depressed and jaded by the time I'm over 20. I'll envy that kind of people so much more because they will still be getting enjoyment out of life while I'll feel old and disgusting and regretful I didn't had a blast at college and it's been 15 years and I haven't evolved one bit.

Being young is the only thing I got going for me, I don't how I'll handle loosing that.

😢

College is back and my anxiety is getting hard to handle. I'll be in class and start thinking how my college experience is ending, missing the last few years and wishing I could have been able to live all that as myself. I get anxious about how busy this year is going to be too.

I know I can come back after transitioning but will not be the same thing, I've said this one hundred times but even if I don't ever speak with most people in my class I'm used to have them as classmates, hearing their drama and everything. I hate the feeling that's all over and that I'll regret not enjoying myself for the rest of my life.

Had something shitty happen where I intern, I was pretty much yelling and cursing in my head for nearly 2 hours straight by how angry that made me feel. I had one good thing happen a few days before so it feels things are just balancing out to be shitty again.

It's bizarre to think three years passed by so quickly, I try to remember which class I had in which semester and I keep mixing things up. Now changing subjects I just wish we could live in a extremely convincing lucid dream after dying, I could live out all the fantasies I have, the mundane, the impossible and the fantastical ones.

I'm tired of feeling negative emotions most of the time, to be so uncomfortable and miserable. I don't want to feel all this pain.

☾

I want to start this post with a apology to some of the people who's comments I never replied or replied wrong so you probably never got a notification. I didn't meant to be rude or ignore you guys, and I'm sorry that every time you come to my blog it's always the same bulshit.


I wish I had a social life. I'm a bit of a homebody but I can picture myself having fun going out with friends, even on clubs in few times. I always like to imagine what would be like to live in the United States or England or whatever but there's so much to do in my city.

I keep trying to imagine what is like to be a normal person that has friends and goes out and it's all so bizarre to me. Having multiple groups of friends, going to the museum or any new event, being known to people, travelling, etc. It all sounds exciting but so alien to me.

I have this short images on my mind of people having fun and being social and it makes me feel so shitty. It's like a nostalgia for something I haven't experienced, I try to build on those images to daydream but I have no life experience to back it up, so I just try to avoid those thoughts but it makes me so frustrated.

I wish I didn't had to worry about transitioning or anything related to being trans because that only makes it all so much complicated. I want to do all those things as myself, not as I am right now. I have zero social life experience as a teenager or adult and I'm 20 years old. I'll never have that life long tight group of friends when I'm older to meet and chat about new things and the good memories. I won't have candid pictures of me looking silly with my friends at a party or anything like that.

It feels so unfair to me, I wasn't like this from the start, I was a normal kid and now I'm completely destroyed by depression, anxiety and dysphoria. I was never a social butterfly but I could talk to people, make friends and enjoy life.

And things will only keep getting worst as I grow older. Before I was growing but no really getting "older", like I was going from 17 to 18. But now I'll go to 22, 23, 24, 28 , 34, etc. And the older I get the clearer it will be how fucked up I am.

Damn

I went to this event at my college that happened every year, they always have people taking pictures of everything going on so they can post on the event's facebook page. Unfortunately I ended up appearing in quite some pictures, and I look horrible in all of them.

I swear to god I don't really see myself looking that bad when I see my reflection. I've been gaining weight for a while now, and my face looks so round and weird. My mouth looks really weird, I think because of my teeth situation it looks like a old's person mouth, specially when I'm smiling.

I already hated my looks before, but after seeing those pictures I'm feeling like shit. I keep daydreaming about having my dream body, being a girl, enjoying college life, dating a cute guy, etc. And the worst is I know that's never happening.

Mirror

A few nights ago I was staring at myself in the mirror, and for a while I could not recognize myself. Everything felt floaty, it was like I was looking at another person and not my reflection. It kills any self confidence I could have to know that's how people see me.

I have two weeks of vacation left. It feels so good to be able to stay at home all day long, not having to worry about deadlines or having to deal with people. It sucks to know pretty much none of my dreams will ever come true, because most are impossible to begin with.

I'll probably never be happy ever, and of course my mother loves to say how happy I was as a kid, as if I didn't know. No one takes my depression seriously, they just pretend I never came out to them, that I asked for help. But of course I should just shrug it off and live my life according to them.

Another no-update

  I'm feeling neutral right now, I was feeling awful a couple of days ago, but I'm a little bit numb now. I wish I had something interesting to write here, but as usual nothing really happened. Each day I feel I'm becoming more aware of how I actually look, because most of the time I have the vivid mental image of my ideal self, and it's awful to realize how far I am from it.

  It's coming to a point where I'm barely recognizing myself in pictures or in front of a mirror. It makes me feel very anxious when I think that's who people see when they see me. There's no point interacting with people because it all feels false, because I can't speak my mind and act like myself.

 I had a minor injury a couple of days ago, stepped on a huge nail on the floor, probably the most exciting thing that happened in a long time. I'm terrified of needles but the tetanus shot doesn't hurt a thing, my arm is very sore from it though.