Time Passing

It started to weird me out that I'm 20 already, turning 21 at the end of the year. It's weird thinking people in their early twenties are my age now, not 5 years older. It's weird not being 15 or 17 anymore, back then in 10 years I'd be 25, now I'll be 30. I'm five years older than a 15 year old now, it's weird. I feel like the whole "having your life ahead of you" thing doesn't apply anymore, like any problems I had before were okay because I was only a teen, now I'm 20, 21, 22, 23, etc and I feel like I have to handle everything.

🌟 Happy Places 🌟

I had a "happy place" in my mind ever since I was little. Even though I was a happy child whenever I went to take a shower I would imagine this place, filled with mist and water stream sounds, dome shaped, the size of a small-medium bedroom. One half would be a lake with hot water and only very smooth and clean pebbles on the ground. The other half with be grassy with a tree at the right side and the left side would be covered in bamboo. A few animals like birds, squirrels and a panda would live on that side while I'd relax on the water all the time. To any outsider it would look like a large stone, and it could exist even in space or in case of the universe ending.

I always wanted to be able to go there to run away from my problems, not have to worry about anything, just enjoy the warm water and relaxing sounds to sleep, wake up sleepy only to go back to sleep over and over again.

Because of this I love the american version of Dark Water, I love the gloomy atmosphere, the always rainy cloudy sky, dry trees, dreary and gritty hallways and rooms that have a charm of their own. I can imagine myself and a woman as beautiful as Jennifer Connelly living in a place like that, working in a boring office job only to come to my boring-cozy apartment  to go online while looking at the window. Something about cold, dreary, monotonous, boring places like that attract me.

I'd love to just wake up the next day as a brand new person, a woman of course, and try to adapt to this new life, and this woman being a somewhat lonely person that live in a place like I mentioned sounds exciting. I think the loneliness of the whole thing is what attracted me, that I could live in a place like that all by myself, going trough a easy no-brainer routine and life would go on and I would barely pay attention to time passing. I already life inside my own head so I might as well do it in a more carefree life where I like how I look.

Of course I want a functional happy life in a exciting place ideally but a lot of times all I want is that depressive scenario to be able to relax and be myself. It would be better for me to have that as a life goal since that would be the most positive outcome of my life that way things are going.

Sometimes I wonder if people come across my blog by accident, read some of my stuff and feel down, like they get to take a look at my life at 14-15 when I still had hope and now is one depressed post after the other. Is it something they'll talk about in a AskReddit thread or in a Saturday night chat with their friends? I like to see how so many places in the world have checked my blog, it's the closest I'll ever get of my fantasy of being a moderately famous international actress. If I was pretty I'd definitely vlog about my non-transition. If only I didn't got fucked up by puberty, I'd have a slim build and a actual neck, but now I'm stocky and neckless and hairy with falling hair, super dry scaly skin and 10 shitty teeth.

I know It has nothing to do with the post but it just came up in my head, I ruined a semi-interesting post but I'm not feeling like waiting until tomorrow to post just a paragraph. But writing things out always makes me feel better. That's all for now.

Small happenings

A few weeks ago I had an assignment where I had to draw something using a object as a part of the drawing, so I got a round-ish rock and drew a sea turtle's head and limbs around it so it looked like it's shell. The teacher chose it among other three for all students to pick and make a creative two page ad with one of the drawings. A group used it for a transgender awareness ad, which was very sweet since and a bit funny since they have no idea I was the one who did it(teacher didn't told who drew the ones she picked) and that I'm trans, though they have little idea of who I am anyways since it's my first class with them.

Last night I went to bed after watching Rhapsody in August at around 23:40 and woke up suddenly at midnight. I never woke up this scared in my life, last time was when I was around 5 and had a nightmare a snake bit my neck. I remember very little on how I ended up sleeping, though I could remember a dream where I found a note saying something along the lines of "I left the house you're alone you should leave now".

I left the tv on discovery id so it was showing some crime show, and I'm still not sure if it was just me hallucinating from waking up so suddenly but this guy on the talking head part of the show had fully white eyes. I had no idea what was going on for a few minutes, I just looked at the tv and around me absolutely terrified, I never felt so scared before, I kept asking my brother what was going on because I had no idea what was going on.

A few minutes latter I figured out I slept and just woke up scared for some reason but I still went back to sleep scared something was going to happen, like a maniac in a costume would appear and kill everyone.

I should update my dream journal again, but I'm not sure I remember my username on the forum I used to post.