I used to feel so excited when I'd think about transitioning, but now I almost cannot picture myself doing that. I feel I've lost a good chunk of the small bit of hope I have to one day be happy about myself. Even if HRT does it's wonders some parts of my body will never change, and they will always show to everybody I'm transgender. I'll never be able to freely pick any cute women's shoe I want because my feet are awful. If I let my hands become very visible it will be clear to anyone those are the hands of a man.
Right now all I want is for my parents to allow me to quit college and stay at home. Then by the time I'm in my late 20s I'll decide if I can still live a little longer or should kill myself. I'm terrified of growing older, having to be a responsible adult, looking older and uglier, not being a young person anymore. I'll never be able to pay for a good lifestyle by myself, and I'll probably never get married anyway, so I'll have to depend on my family.
I don't even know what to write, I have lots of college things to do, but after this week my summer vacation starts.
