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I want to start this post with a apology to some of the people who's comments I never replied or replied wrong so you probably never got a notification. I didn't meant to be rude or ignore you guys, and I'm sorry that every time you come to my blog it's always the same bulshit.


I wish I had a social life. I'm a bit of a homebody but I can picture myself having fun going out with friends, even on clubs in few times. I always like to imagine what would be like to live in the United States or England or whatever but there's so much to do in my city.

I keep trying to imagine what is like to be a normal person that has friends and goes out and it's all so bizarre to me. Having multiple groups of friends, going to the museum or any new event, being known to people, travelling, etc. It all sounds exciting but so alien to me.

I have this short images on my mind of people having fun and being social and it makes me feel so shitty. It's like a nostalgia for something I haven't experienced, I try to build on those images to daydream but I have no life experience to back it up, so I just try to avoid those thoughts but it makes me so frustrated.

I wish I didn't had to worry about transitioning or anything related to being trans because that only makes it all so much complicated. I want to do all those things as myself, not as I am right now. I have zero social life experience as a teenager or adult and I'm 20 years old. I'll never have that life long tight group of friends when I'm older to meet and chat about new things and the good memories. I won't have candid pictures of me looking silly with my friends at a party or anything like that.

It feels so unfair to me, I wasn't like this from the start, I was a normal kid and now I'm completely destroyed by depression, anxiety and dysphoria. I was never a social butterfly but I could talk to people, make friends and enjoy life.

And things will only keep getting worst as I grow older. Before I was growing but no really getting "older", like I was going from 17 to 18. But now I'll go to 22, 23, 24, 28 , 34, etc. And the older I get the clearer it will be how fucked up I am.

Damn

I went to this event at my college that happened every year, they always have people taking pictures of everything going on so they can post on the event's facebook page. Unfortunately I ended up appearing in quite some pictures, and I look horrible in all of them.

I swear to god I don't really see myself looking that bad when I see my reflection. I've been gaining weight for a while now, and my face looks so round and weird. My mouth looks really weird, I think because of my teeth situation it looks like a old's person mouth, specially when I'm smiling.

I already hated my looks before, but after seeing those pictures I'm feeling like shit. I keep daydreaming about having my dream body, being a girl, enjoying college life, dating a cute guy, etc. And the worst is I know that's never happening.

Mirror

A few nights ago I was staring at myself in the mirror, and for a while I could not recognize myself. Everything felt floaty, it was like I was looking at another person and not my reflection. It kills any self confidence I could have to know that's how people see me.

I have two weeks of vacation left. It feels so good to be able to stay at home all day long, not having to worry about deadlines or having to deal with people. It sucks to know pretty much none of my dreams will ever come true, because most are impossible to begin with.

I'll probably never be happy ever, and of course my mother loves to say how happy I was as a kid, as if I didn't know. No one takes my depression seriously, they just pretend I never came out to them, that I asked for help. But of course I should just shrug it off and live my life according to them.

Another no-update

  I'm feeling neutral right now, I was feeling awful a couple of days ago, but I'm a little bit numb now. I wish I had something interesting to write here, but as usual nothing really happened. Each day I feel I'm becoming more aware of how I actually look, because most of the time I have the vivid mental image of my ideal self, and it's awful to realize how far I am from it.

  It's coming to a point where I'm barely recognizing myself in pictures or in front of a mirror. It makes me feel very anxious when I think that's who people see when they see me. There's no point interacting with people because it all feels false, because I can't speak my mind and act like myself.

 I had a minor injury a couple of days ago, stepped on a huge nail on the floor, probably the most exciting thing that happened in a long time. I'm terrified of needles but the tetanus shot doesn't hurt a thing, my arm is very sore from it though.

Progress

Nothing new to report, I made zero progress on pretty much everything, including transition. Each day I feel more hopeless about everything. I'm nearly numb about life in general, I daydream my time away and pretend there's nothing wrong. Just like I was in denial about growing up and going through puberty, now I'm in denial about growing older and having a shitty life. So I'll do nothing about it.

 The worst thing is that occasionally my depression bleeds through my daydreams, and it ruins my mood. It happened recently and now I'm having trouble to daydream about the fantasy life where something bad happened, and even daydream about other things as well. I hope this go away soon, my daydreams are one of the few good things I have.

  And even though I'm numb I'm also very anxious, usually late in the afternoon I'll start feeling jumpy, like I should be doing something, even if it's just walking around the house. I suddenly remember all my responsibilities, deadlines, etc and realize if I don't get out of this vicious cycle my life is going to be miserable.

  Things would be easier if I had my family's support, I'd be on HRT already, I wouldn't feel like I'll have to go through transition on my own.

 

Procrastination

  I had something I needed to do for college this afternoon, I haven't even started it yet. I'm waiting till latter to do it, but if I had started it earlier I would be finishing it by now. It's quite complicated, but not as complicated as I make it seem to be, I always get so anxious before doing a assignment or project for college, and instead of doing it right away I'll keep waiting the last minute to do it. I'm so sick of feeling stressed over college, I have this language test Sunday and it will ruin my weekend. I failed next time so I have to do it again, and I'm afraid I'll fail again.

  I'm feeling so anxious now, it's similar to when I'm laying watching tv at night, I feel this urge to walk around, and a nagging feeling that's something is wrong or is about to go really wrong soon.

Overwhelmed

  I feel tired and disgusting all the time, I don't see the point of trying to keep going. The bad feelings outweigh the good ones, I feel good for a few minutes only to few like crap for days. I'll never look like I want, I'll not have a fun job, a nice group of friends and a significant other. I know I'll never get satisfying results with HRT, the things I hate the most about myself will never change because of it, and there's no surgery to fix them. My hair keeps falling, I'll probably have old man hair in a few years. My skin looks disgusting, the dry patches keep growing and will probably take over my body, and not only that I'll age very badly since my skin is so dry.

  I don't know why I keep posting these. Today we had to do the simplest thing in class and I struggled to do it. It's always like this, I start panicking and won't calm down to try to understand it.