I Miss 2012

I was 16, it was the last year of high school. My school had two different buildings in different parts of the city, the first had from kindergarten to the second year of high school while the other one was high school only so if you wanted to keep studying there you had to go to the other building during your last year. At first I hated it, I liked the other building and got used to it and the teachers, which save for one were all different in the other building. The neighborhood was pretty nice too so it was sad to go after two years studying there. I remember one afternoon in particular where the chemistry teacher had extra classes for those struggling with it, very few people showed up, then my mother came to pick me up and we went to a supermarket next to the school, it was a very pleasant afternoon.

The classes in the other building had a cram school style, so classrooms were larger and had no windows and we didn't have homework anymore. It felt like a prison for me initially, but I ended up getting used to it. Plus it was in a really nice street in the downtown area, which felt really cool and grown up.

I'm ashamed to say but I didn't study as hard as I should for the end year tests to get into university, so I had a lot of free time. I think I got into tumblr around this time, watched a few Ghibli films for the first time, got a 3DS, got into The Sound of Music, still had plans for what to post on my Deviantart page, etc.

I didn't had any friends other than my brother and this weird guy I ended up befriended in the first year who turned out to be a pain in the ass. But overall it was ok, I was a shy geeky teenager through and through and it felt nice. I was still depressed and anxious, but I had hope for the future.

I think it was the year where I finally grew into myself as a person, in the sense that I don't feel very different from who I was back then, save for the hope for the future. The next year I started college, which I also miss despite the fact it was the lowest point of my mental health by the end of it. I just miss going to classes, seeing the same faces everyday, going to lectures and events and being younger.

But as much as I look back with rose tinted glasses I know I completely wasted those years due to depression, I didn't live them up as I should have, so my teen years went to the trash and so will my early twenties once I turn 24 next month. I know my live won't ever be the way I want it so this feeling will only keep getting worst as I get older.

I Still Live

It's that time of the year where I start missing my teenage years, nevermind the fact that was the moment my life went to shit, the beginning of the end. And it makes me remember this blog, I haven't updated in a while so I figure I'd make a quick post.

I do have some life updates, I've started therapy again last year, my parents forced me but I enjoy it, the therapist is kind and friendly unlike the one from the past, and it's been good having her to talk about my issues. It took me some sessions to open up about my identity, I've been mostly working on other things. I've started dental treatment from scratch at the end of last year, I'm very hopeful that this time it will finally work. I started seeing a psychiatrist last month, I saw her briefly and she prescribed me some medicine for depression and anxiety, it's been both good and bad, I'm supposed to see her again soon.

I've lost a lot of weight too which is nice, I'm still not at my target weight but I'm doing great progress towards it. In bad news I'm still severely depressed and unsure about if I'm ever going to transition, lately I've been considering just getting rid of my facial & body hair, taking hormones to become slightly more feminine while presenting as male in public. I'm still addicted to daydreaming, and I keep perfecting my dream life to a point where I'm really pleased with it, my dream self even have a boyfriend now! And my fear of aging keeps getting worse, it becomes more and more evident that I won't be young forever and that scares me.

This is definitely more positive than the past few posts, and overall I do feel a tiny bit better, but I'm a work in progress.