I Miss 2012

I was 16, it was the last year of high school. My school had two different buildings in different parts of the city, the first had from kindergarten to the second year of high school while the other one was high school only so if you wanted to keep studying there you had to go to the other building during your last year. At first I hated it, I liked the other building and got used to it and the teachers, which save for one were all different in the other building. The neighborhood was pretty nice too so it was sad to go after two years studying there. I remember one afternoon in particular where the chemistry teacher had extra classes for those struggling with it, very few people showed up, then my mother came to pick me up and we went to a supermarket next to the school, it was a very pleasant afternoon.

The classes in the other building had a cram school style, so classrooms were larger and had no windows and we didn't have homework anymore. It felt like a prison for me initially, but I ended up getting used to it. Plus it was in a really nice street in the downtown area, which felt really cool and grown up.

I'm ashamed to say but I didn't study as hard as I should for the end year tests to get into university, so I had a lot of free time. I think I got into tumblr around this time, watched a few Ghibli films for the first time, got a 3DS, got into The Sound of Music, still had plans for what to post on my Deviantart page, etc.

I didn't had any friends other than my brother and this weird guy I ended up befriended in the first year who turned out to be a pain in the ass. But overall it was ok, I was a shy geeky teenager through and through and it felt nice. I was still depressed and anxious, but I had hope for the future.

I think it was the year where I finally grew into myself as a person, in the sense that I don't feel very different from who I was back then, save for the hope for the future. The next year I started college, which I also miss despite the fact it was the lowest point of my mental health by the end of it. I just miss going to classes, seeing the same faces everyday, going to lectures and events and being younger.

But as much as I look back with rose tinted glasses I know I completely wasted those years due to depression, I didn't live them up as I should have, so my teen years went to the trash and so will my early twenties once I turn 24 next month. I know my live won't ever be the way I want it so this feeling will only keep getting worst as I get older.

I Still Live

It's that time of the year where I start missing my teenage years, nevermind the fact that was the moment my life went to shit, the beginning of the end. And it makes me remember this blog, I haven't updated in a while so I figure I'd make a quick post.

I do have some life updates, I've started therapy again last year, my parents forced me but I enjoy it, the therapist is kind and friendly unlike the one from the past, and it's been good having her to talk about my issues. It took me some sessions to open up about my identity, I've been mostly working on other things. I've started dental treatment from scratch at the end of last year, I'm very hopeful that this time it will finally work. I started seeing a psychiatrist last month, I saw her briefly and she prescribed me some medicine for depression and anxiety, it's been both good and bad, I'm supposed to see her again soon.

I've lost a lot of weight too which is nice, I'm still not at my target weight but I'm doing great progress towards it. In bad news I'm still severely depressed and unsure about if I'm ever going to transition, lately I've been considering just getting rid of my facial & body hair, taking hormones to become slightly more feminine while presenting as male in public. I'm still addicted to daydreaming, and I keep perfecting my dream life to a point where I'm really pleased with it, my dream self even have a boyfriend now! And my fear of aging keeps getting worse, it becomes more and more evident that I won't be young forever and that scares me.

This is definitely more positive than the past few posts, and overall I do feel a tiny bit better, but I'm a work in progress.

I live

Haven't posted since July 2017, that's a new record for me. Things haven't really changed, if I were to put any effort in this post it would be just a repetition of the last few ones. I know because I just re-read my blog from the start, I haven't updated in ages and have been feeling nostalgic about my shitty teenage years so that happened.

My heart breaks for the girl I used to be, that naive girl with shitty english and writing that still had hope for the future and really thought her life was going to get better, her family would accept her, she'd get hot and live the life she wanted to live. I'm a thing. It's so depressing to see that girl lose hope post after post until she becomes what I am today. Not a girl anymore, not even a person really. A thing that happens to look like a person. I'm so sorry that our worst nightmare and all of our predictions for the future came true.

My plan of doing nothing with my life until I kill myself at my late 20s still stands, only I feel like I'll have to make it clear to my parents so they'll stop pestering about me getting a life. They'll probably never understand how they caused all of this, they thought I'd be a lost cause if I transitioned but look at me now.

Nothing much

Wow it's already the middle of the year, I hate how fast time goes by. But it's not like I have any plans for what to do with my life, I think I've come to the realization that even if I could live a pretty good life if I worked on myself and worked hard to become a functioning person and transition but that's not the life I want to live. Not transitioning is not the life I want to live either, don't get me wrong. The life from my dreams is the only life I want to live, safe for shorter fantasy-themed daydreams.

The closest thing to a goal I have right now is that I'm planning to live until my late twenties and then killing myself. I'll probably have not achieved nothing by then but I have media I want to consume and things I want to keep up. Some are artists I want to see grow and be happy. It sounds silly but they give me so much hapiness, to know they're hardworking and earnest kids that had so many dreams and achieved some of them.

It makes me happy knowing not everyone has to be a miserable piece of shit like me. At the same time I have a hard time believing life doesn't turn to shit once you get older, and that even in my dream life I'd be severely depressed as I grew older. Maybe I'm a bit jaded because that's what I see on my personal life with the people around me, relatives, coworkers, etc.

Still I would have liked to have a happy youth, travel, meet people, fall in love. Even if in my ideal life I'd get depressed at least I'd have real memories to things that actually happened to look back to, and by being famous maybe I'd get to live through people's memories and imagination for a long time after my death.

I'm in near constant emotional pain but every now and then I have a moment where I realize there's no espacing my life, that the life I dream so much about will never happen, and it kills me.

My Attitude is Whatever

I barely left the house for the past few months, it's kinda what I always wanted but at the same time I start freaking out about my future, I heard people will take in consideration how long you went without a job when they hire you.

I'm stuck in a fantasy world in my head where I'm my ideal self, I have a cute boyfriend and we live happily. It's a new guy this time around, a singer instead of an actor. He's younger than me too, that's a first. I don't think I'll write the name this time since this is embarrassing and pathetic as fuck.

There are times that life seems so real, like real life is the dream and that one is the reality. I almost feel at peace about everything because I think how it doesn't matter how pathetic and worthless my life is now, because it's not my real life. But then I snap out of it and feel like shit.

I'm tired of life and being in pain all the time. I want to fall asleep and never wake up.

May sorrow break these chains

I have nothing to report, I just keep noticing that if I don't keep my mind occupied I feel like shit, I get a glimpse of awareness that there's no escaping this, that this is my lot in life, no dreaming or wishing will change it. Death and the idea of nothingness after it scares me but I'm not sure if I can keep going like this.

I wish I could have life-like daydreams where I'd be able to fully live my daydreams, I think that would help keeping the pain away, but the end result would be the same. Me keeping miserable and doing nothing to fix my problems because I don't believe it's even worth trying.

 I'm mourning the life I know I'll never had, all the memories I'll never get to make, the emotions and sensations I can only dream about and the people I'll never meet. Truly living a normal life sounds like a outlandish fantasy to me.

A faraway place with the wind

I was just thinking of time passing, in the few pictures I have on my facebook there are a couple I took with my teachers in 2012 and it is so weird to think how in those pictures I was 16, soon to be 17, and now I'm 21. Ended up checking the facebook and instagram of this girl I met on a fanpage, she is a model, travels, has a boyfriend and seems to have a pretty nice life.

I've lost so many years, it kills me to know we're in 2017 already, I feel like I stopped in 2012/2013. I feel like a old loser. I'll graduate in a few weeks and I'm dreading it, I hate how I look, the last thing I want is to be in a social situation like that.

I don't want to lose more years, but I can't see myself in a better place, improving and learning to be happy. It doesn't matter if I transition or not, I'll be the same mediocre, miserable waste of space, never the person I wish I was. At this point I just want to be left alone to rot in my bedroom.